Hi, Well, I think the crazymaking may just come in different doses. His is particularly stong. His passive aggressiveness IS the crazymaking.
You may have done some crazymaking (like we all do), but as you said, their was nothing covert (passive)about it for you. When you were mad, you didn't need to find "under the radar" ways to express it, you just came out with it.
Tim's problem is he can't deal with his OWN feelings. When he feels ANYTHING......he does not feel safe letting it out, so it comes out in inappropriate or unexpected ways. This creates several scenarios. He can ALWAYS avoid his own feelings. He can project those onto someone else and make them deal with it. He confuses the issues so that by the time you have figured it out, he is safely out of the picture. You end up feeling sad and defeated, or at least confused. And spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out what went wrong!
"WHAT WORKED WHEN HE DIDN'T SEEM SO ANGRY?"
I think there in lies the trap.
HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY.
IT'S JUST THAT HE KEEPS IT HIDDEN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!
The trap is......that one would think that at any given moment he is NOT ANGRY. He is always angry.......about something. Maybe nothing to do with me, or the situation at the moment, but something, somewhere is causing him to feel pain.
If you dare to think ((((for even a moment)))) that he is okay....YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. AND he will use whatever is bothering him at that moment to goad you into a reaction, so that he can feel some sense of control.
IE: If SHE is out of control then it's not ME! I'm not the one with the problem, "They" are.
The "mail thing" didn't come out of the blue.
It was a build-up of uncertainty he started feeling.
1. She's quiet.(first alarm!fear,feelings he can't deal) 2. She's hesitating at the stairs.( that confirms it!) 3. She's not in the car yet??!! 4. We HAVE to get this dropped off and SHE"S UPSET!!(pressure) 5. Now she can't even park the car she is so uncertain! (((((((((((((((((((((((((BOOM)))))))))))))))))))))))))) Can't YOU EVEN MAIL THESE LETTERS WITHOUT UNCERTAINTY!!!!!!
I wish I could go and see what times he wasn't so angry. I will have to really examine this, to see if I can even think of any. That's why I never see it coming, because it rarely has to do with the situation at hand. It's almost always about SOMETHING ELSE.
I think T's comment that "I will pay for a few months and then you are on your own", meant that I(Trish) WOULD HAVE TO PAY for the therapy? NOT the other way to take that statement which was, "After a few months, YOU ARE OUTTA HERE AND I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU."
His kissing and touching and level communication after the blowup tells me that.
Betsey, I am dying to know what you would tell K after he would say something like: It's not my problem, it's yours so you better figure out why, because I'm fine." ????????
