Betsey, Hi, email or bb is fine with me. The bb seems faster, but I find it a whole lot easier to write on email, the screen is bigger. I could really use some help here.....the frustration I feel is getting the better of me and tears seem to be just below the surface. "Quiets" observation that T is baiting me seems to dead on. I had a particularly tough morning and the only thing good that came from it was intense thinking about what the hell is going on and what he is doing to me! (try as I might to take responsibility for my reactions, by the time I figure out what's going on, the bombs have dropped, the village is burned and the army has marched on to the next battlefield!)
I know I keep forgetting to "remember" the crazy making gene is predominant in him. I NEVER see it coming!!
I would almost have to be hyper vigilant and make myself crazy to be listening to each statement for the underlying anger.
I know I keep going over these examples of his behavior as if with a microscope, looking for the answer, well I guess that's because I am hoping it will occasionally pay off.
Yesterday it did, or rather today after I came home I got some divine intervention and it led me to some info on passive aggressiveness. If you would indulge me one more example this one came with a BIG lesson.
Yesterday morning: I had not slept the night before (the Bigfoot people upstairs). It was one of those sleeps where you wake up and just get back to sleep and then get woken up again. This went on ALL night!!! It would have been better to have just stayed awake! I have done than many times and never have a huge problem with it. Probably the mother gene in me!
Anyways, I "got up" about 8 am,( usual time for me) and T was as usual already up (6) and typing out in the living room....Aside from being sleepy I was perfectly okay.....we had even ML when we couldn't sleep. Without saying much, I made us breakfast, I made oatmeal and read a bit of the paper, then without saying anything I just went and took a shower and started dressing for work. Tim jumped up and said he's be ready in 15... me: okay.9 it is. him: ready to go in 15. him ( at the door putting on his rings and stuff) "you seem kinda quiet this morning." me: yeah,guess I am, I'm tired, I didn't sleep well, those people upstairs kept me up all night. him: me too.....they were pounding all morning! him: okay why don't you go down and start the car, I'm right behind you. me: okay (out the door I go..slowly walking down the stairs IN HEELS carrying a HEAVY bag.) me: get to car, put bag in back seat, my jacket on hook when.....Tim comes out the outside door. him: "we have to drop off rent check and mail.......pull up here and back up here." me: "hmmmm?? where? wait what do you want me...." him: jumps out of car, comes around, yells through window:"Do you think you could at least mail these!!" and tosses the mail at me through the window. me: "Of course I can", rolling down window, I pull car into slot by rental office. him: gets in car, slams door, grabs mail out of my hand, "Do you think you can mange this!!" me: "Of course I can I am not a moron. I am a fully functioning adult, and quite capable. him: "so what is it!!? what's the problem now!!?? C'mon we might as well get it over with!!" him: "what is all this reluctance!!!!, at the door, at the stairs, not starting the car...." me: "I am not reluctant. I don't appreciate your throwing the mail at me. I was only trying to understand where you wanted me to park. I am quite capable of driving and making a decision about where to go for myself."
At about this point he started yelling how he didn't have a lot of time left in his life and doesn't want to waste it on me. He's tired of having to worry about how Trish feels and having to stop "deal'" with it all the time. How it drags him down and maybe I (Trish) just shouldn't be here..... He is going to insist on third party intervention (counseling) for me and he will even pay for it ( for a few months) then you are on your own!
me: "I completely agree. I already have someone who lives in a nearby community and I will set it up immediately." Quiet for about 1 minute. Starts in on how he doesn't even have an address for where I work!, or a phone number!. I hand him a paper with this info on it.(I had written up that morning.) me: "What I AM upset about, is the way you threw the mail and were yelling at me. " him: "I do NOT believe it, you are always putting it on ME".
I again say nothing ELSE is wrong. "That" is it. I am upset with him throwing the mail." again he refuses, says, it must be that time of the month?????
me: why can't it be what it is? I am upset with how you reacted to me in the parking lot." him:" Look in the mirror and keep telling yourself that! Better yet get third party help!!" me: "I feel so frustrated." him: "Frustrated? good, that's good." me: "I am frustrated that you refuse to listen to me when I tell you what my true feelings are. You want it to be something else! and it's not. Maybe you're just going to have to accept that THAT is what I am really upset about." him: "Don't tell me what I have to accept." me: " When you do....... him: "Oh, there you go again putting it all back on me!!!" me: "When you behave....." him: yelling louder! " I want to get away from you so badly!! can you tell!!??" me: calmly: "yes, I can tell that, well we're here and you will be away from me all day." him: "I hope this doesn't affect me personally at work!! (as we pull up) me: "yeah, me too." him: "Don't bother picking me up, I'll find a another way home". Slams the car door with his foot and stomps off (this with a hurt back??).
Now it took me the better part of the morning to sort this out, but I knew almost immediately this is not about me, this is going on inside of him. My problem is I never see it coming, and I am sure now I never will.
I knew he had no "other way" home and he would probably call me at the most inopportune minute, so I took the initiative. I left him a message saying if he still wanted me to pick him up I was fine with that or if he had another way home, that's great too. I will be here for the next hour, then I was leaving.( 2 pm.) He didn't call. So I called his office an hour later ( He can't see who is calling so he would answer.) Said he didn't get my message, he did...... He checks messages constantly!! ( passive aggressive). Come, come pick him up, oh, and by the way pick up his prescription on the way over......click.
I got the script (35 minutes!! in line) and then called him and said I would be there in 2 minutes. He said he's be right down.
He came down and acted all calm and said he wanted to go check out the pool???!!!!! on campus (we did) and then to get an oil change (we did) and then he suggested we eat out. How did I feel about that?? Yes, I said, I was very tired and that would be great.....after going into the restaurant!!, he decided he didn't want to eat there, how about we go home and have pizza. Fine with me. Off we go. Oh yeah, and he wants to check on the car rental place for "His" trip. To see shark lady in Pittsburgh on the 14/15/16th.Then changes his mind, "Oh,never mind, I'll call the rental place from home."( Trying and succeeding in making me feel left out).
Now the weird thing is he is all normal and "acting" it all evening. But the anger is just below the surface. He made several behind the back comments and when I called him on them and said they were passive aggressive and hurt, he started to get all angry again. Yelled at me and then told me to just shut up. Then later: Gets into bed kisses me goodnight (I was fake sleeping). I wake up and he holds my hand.?? Another big kiss goodnight. Then he "spoons" me in the morning. He knows I particularly love this. Well, I drive him to work this morning.He kisses me goodbye and I CAN"T WAIT TO BE AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!
I come home, get on Internet and find sights about passive aggressiveness.
BINGO. BOY OH BOY what a mother lode of info. Describes him to a tea.
The thing is HE was mad OR MORE LIKELY feeling guilty and every time I am "quiet" he thinks I am upset about something.( The affairs) This makes him mad because now he thinks he has to "deal" with it and he DOES not want to "deal" with it. The thing that makes him feel guilty and makes me sad. So when his question of," why are you so quiet?" gets an answer that he doesn't believe, because he thinks I am being quiet because I am hurt about the affairs.......he then thinks hmmmm......she's hesitating on the stairs, and with the car and with the mail and that makes him madder!! Then when I tell him what IS making me mad, of course he still doesn't believe it because he STILL feels guilty! Then when he has nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, he starts looking for OTHER reasons to blame so we don't have to deal with the feelings ( that time of the month, you need third party help....etc.) and when THAT!!! doesn't work.......Then he has to run away!!
Trouble is we now live together. No more retreating to the condo. Nowhere to go except to work! So he TELLS me he wants to get away....and then he literally gets away at work.
Then when I pick him up, he acts all happy, like HE had a great day...the "problem" was all mine...not his...... But there is still that tension because now he is being a liar...about himself and..he is not expressing his feelings and he doesn't want to hear mine!
