Well once again I'm up at my usual time. I need to get more sleep. I was awakened this time by a dream. I dreamt that I caught the possible OM near my W's house. I confronted him about whether or not he was involved with my W. He said yes. I asked him if he was having sex with my wife. He said yes. Then I woke up. And now I can't close my eyes without seeing them together.
Maybe this has something to do with something I recently found out. It fits with what one of you told me not too long ago. That WAW will try to make me look bad just to justify what she is doing. And it make sense why her friend was afraid to leave us alone and looked at me with fear on her face. W has told people that I sexually abused or assulted her. That I forced her to have sex. There was one instance long ago that we ML when she was not quite ready. I hope you will know what I mean without me getting too specific. There was no crying or anger of telling me to stop. But I knew that she was sore. I felt bad and said I was so sorry for not taking the time she needed. I did say that I felt like I raped her. But I didn't.
I had to stop at her house to get D's laundry to take to her. The more I thought about what she has been telling her supporters, the more I knew I had to talk to her about it. When I got there I loaded the clothes and then I told her I had something to say. I told her to sit down. That I wasn't there to fight but to say somethng to her. She tried to talk but I told her just to listen. She finally did. I said to her rape is an act of violence not love. That that night I did not do that to her to deleberately hurt her or cause her pain, I was ML to her because I loved her. Again I told her I was sorry it happened the way that it did. I asked when I said that I felt like I raped her would I actually know what that felt like. I said I have never raped anyone and certainly would never rape her. That I loved her and would never hurt her physically. I told her that I felt bad that she had to assassinate my integrity to justify to herself and others why she is doing what she is doing. And I left. She had tears in her eyes but said nothing.
Why am I putting myself though this? It's just going to escalate into war. Maybe I should just take the settlement we agreed on and divorce her. It's what she wants. For me to be the one to do it. I know she will be saving face than. I will be giving up 200 K instead of 1.2 mill. Financially it would be the smart thing for me to do. If it goes to court I will lose my farm. But I love her. I can make more money. I don't care about the money. I want my wife back. What do I do?
