where the wind blows.. nobody knows...

[BFloat]

to answer a few first..

thanks for continuing to read my posts to see where the road lead me..

SS - yes.. you are right. when i said "i deserve" H may have felt blamed. could i have said it better? probably. lol. but at the time, i said what i felt. i do feel as though i deserve to be treated better. and i didn't mean to give an ultimatum but that i didn't want to be the only one putting in the effort to end up getting hurt again. although now i feel that attending the weekend and the post sessions have really helped me find some peace and more insight.

Ad - if you can go to RV.. do it!!

April - vegas? june?? lol

ok.. RV post session #2.

H and i still attending. we are not doing the daily dialogue. kinda difficult when you're separated and not living in the same house. but, we did manage to do 3. not bad.

this week we did an exercise to discover some of our personality traits. we had to answer how we were at home and not at work. and what that showed was oftentimes, we are completely different people. we also did a values vs. ideals list. we were asked to name some of our values. and then to think about how much effort we had put into those values in the past 6 months. and lo and behold.. what did we discover?? that although we placed such high value on certain things.. we didn't necessarily put effort into it. why is that?? something to think about.

H and i are getting along. i think it's mainly because we haven't really discussed anything that would cause conflict. have to wait for the post session that deals w/ conflicting resolution before we touch that. lol.

something i thought about lately. in the beginning, i tried to dress myself up.. played w/ makeup.. wore perfume.. don't get me wrong.. i do enjoy doing those things. but it started feeling inauthentic because it's not realistic for me to do that everyday. i am a cargo pants and tee shirt sort of girl. i like my MEC sling bag.. messy hair.. mickey earrings.. i am perfectly.. imperfect. and what i've come to realize is that there is nothing wrong with that. i smell like clean soap rather than givenchy. but i feel authentic to who i am.

yes i do want H to be attracted to me. but what good does it do if he's attracted to something that i am not able to maintain?

also noticed that these days.. when H gets frustrated w/ the kids etc.. i no longer feel the need to jump in and try to smooth things over. because i feel.. only he can make that decision to find happiness in this life that we have. nothing i can say or do will convince him.

love is a choice. i choose to be here. that is my decision.

lol. this post sounds like it's all over the place. it's late.. i'm trying to catch up.