Hey guys. I’m not ignoring you, I promise. I’ve just been crazy busy. I’ve been exhausted by everything lately too. And I’ve been processing everything you all have been saying. I’ll go from the earliest and work to the latest.
ESN:
Yes, I understand the denial is his business, and therein lies my frustration: I can’t do anything about it. Some people find lack of responsibility freeing. It stresses me out. I know that’s my thing. I’m working on it. I can’t imagine I can do anything about it. If I could do something, I would have done it.
And actually, I think you’re on point about going alone to MC b/c he did sound uncomfortable with the idea when I told him they suggested I go alone (and yes, 25, I think it’s because he’s paranoid and batchit crazy). I knew he would be too. Like we’re going to come up with some conspiracy or something. This is very, very typical though process for H. I doubt I’ll go alone again, and I discussed it with my IC. She said that was unusual for them to suggest that when they know I’m doing IC too, so the receptionist probably didn’t realize I’m being seen for both. So that probably won’t happen again.
Fig:
I get a lot of your post, and yet there’s a lot I don’t get. I get your point about trying to look at the positives instead of the negatives. I get that I can’t be my own therapist or my H’s. I don’t see how you think I’ve turned this into a competition. It’s more of a learned helplessness. Any path I take, it’s f*cked up. I can either not ask questions, in which case I drive myself crazy (and, FWIW, I bought the “NOT just friends” book and while it’s been difficult to read in some ways, it’s comforting in knowing that my reactions are very, VERY typical) which means I lose; OR, I ask questions, and drive H crazy and clams up, in which case, I LOSE.
So yeah, either way, F*CKED. How is that a competition?
And no, I don’t think the T was disappointed in me. I actually got the impression he felt very sorry for me when I relayed to him the panic attack I had that Friday night when we were supposed to go out with friends. And I don’t think I mentioned it, but he said, “well, I think by now, H should have figured out that you are at a point of zero tolerance. He cannot be doing this kind of crap any more”.
And the big problem I think it happening (and I apologize if I’m psychologizing this…) is that HE doesn’t even know who he is! He’s having a big, fat MLC at 29. I let him be who he was this summer and you know who that was? Someone who didn’t leave the house, ate nothing but chicken wings and ice cream, let the house fall to pieces and didn’t ever sleep.
He could barely function without me. And the kicker? He was so GD depressed, he barely remembers it (and if he does remember it, he’s too embarrassed by it to admit it).
I had a professor my freshman year in college once tell us, “none of you are truly ‘living’ right now in your lives. You’re simply ‘existing’. You don’t have the money, the resources, or the life experience to really ‘live’. You simply eat, sleep, and go to school. You will ‘live’ later”. I feel like that’s where he is right now. He’s just “existing”. He’s functioning too poorly for me to classify it as “living”. At this point, I would also lump myself into that category.
In reference to your question about the family members, I suppose I put him those scenarios because they are real stories with which I am familiar. Not some anecdotal tale I heard through the grapevine. Real things that I’ve witnessed. Is that a problem? Are there other specific stories to which you are referring? And the worst case scenarios are just the most poignant stories I can think of. I’m sure I can come up with some less potent cases, but I’m trying to make a point in my writing.
Ken:
I’m glad to hear from you. I’m sorry things have been rough for you lately. Yes, I’m super negative right now about H. It is getting harder and harder each day to be positive about him in any way. Yes, I see the bright spots, and I know he’s trying, but it’s like him wanting me to save money. While I’m sure if I went from saving nothing every month to $100, he would acknowledge it’s a step in the right direction, but he would still be irked that it’s not $750 a month, which is what he wants. I just want him to be better. Now. Yesterday.
And I’m so angry still (and it comes and bites me in the face so unexpectedly sometimes) that I am just fuming with him on a regular basis and not for any daily transgressions. Add those on top and I’m really pissed.
Case in point: he has decided that he does not want to get a house right now, or in the foreseeable future. Wants to just stay in the apt.
I’m sorry, I didn’t sign up for that. Super pissed. I picked this apt under the notion that we would be here for 4 months ONLY. There were a lot of things I overlooked that I really REALLY disliked thinking “it’s only 4 months. I can handle that for 4 months”.
His solution is to just find another apartment. Oh. Great. Another apartment. For who knows how long? Apparently as long as HE wants. And who’s going to pack everything up? Lord knows it’s not going to be him. So once again, it would be on my shoulders to do, which would also make it the 5th…. That’s right 5th… move for me in 12 months (house to Dad, Dad to work suburb, work suburb to house, house to temp apt, temp apt to permanent apt).
I would not have left my house had I known this was what I was signing up for.
But I digress….
Yes, I’m fully aware that my presence manipulates his behavior in a session. One of the many reasons I wish he would go into IC again. And yeah, he definitely shuts down. Remember, that’s his MO. When the going gets tough, he gives up.
I want so badly for him to be a fighter. He talks the talk, but he doesn’t walk the walk.
I know I can’t push him. At the same time, his lack of decisions or rate of growth is not fast enough for other things that need to happen. I don’t think we would have the apt vs. house situation if he could get his psych sh!t together.
Really the only way I was able to tolerate him “doing his own thing” and not pushing was to not be around. Do I really need to move out again for him to get the wake up call that he needs to stop d!cking around and take this seriously? B/c it seems that he’s forgotten everything I thought he had learned from last summer.
Here comes another family comparison, Fig. My mother is a mess. I love her, but she’s a hot mess. Her apartment is filthy. She never knows where anything is. Unless she has very explicit instructions on how to do something, she can’t figure out novel processes (I literally had to write her an instruction booklet for taking care of D over girl’s weekend, which she was so thankful for). I really can only handle my mother is small doses. I love her, but she drives me nuts.
I’m to the point where I feel like this about H. I can only tolerate him in short doses. If we exchange simple pleasantries, hang out for a couple hours, and not need to talk about anything of actual substance, we’re fine. But then when it comes to actual life things, he makes me want to pull my hair out. Does anyone hold on to pain thinking that it will prepare them for the next time they’re in pain? I feel like we’ve discussed this. I feel like I am naturally a very trusting person. Honestly, people have to d!ck me over SEVERAL times before I finally go “ok, done. You can’t be in my life anymore”. But I have done it. I feel like I have to conduct myself like this with H’s family especially. Anything that comes out of my mouth has a subtext of “be careful how you phrase this because you know this will probably come back to haunt you”.
And now I feel like this with H. I feel like I constantly have to watch my back because he just keeps f*cking me. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go. I feel like as soon as I let my guard down and “forgive and forget” he’ll screw me again. Ken, I cannot stop thanking you enough for your male POV. It does help me bring things back into perspective about how becoming a father is hard. I feel like I can sort of relate to his fears of being like his father (I fear becoming like my mother, who was unorganized and screamed a LOT). I try to praise him a lot for being such a good father (which he is), and give him lots of opportunities to do good Daddy duties (it’s become a Saturday tradition to stroll her around the mall while I’m at IC). She is clearly really bonded to him. He’s doing great on the Daddy job.
Wish he would put that much effort into our M.
Arguably he could be showing his love for me via his daddy-ness. But I think in this case they are mutually exclusive.
25:
Lord, I feel like I’m living on a commitment rollercoaster. He hasn’t said he “doesn’t” want to work on things. A few weeks ago he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be in the M anymore or not, and that’s when I called his bluff and walked out of the MC session. He hasn’t really said that since. He’s also not made any major declarations of love lately either. So…. Who knows.
I feel like his moods change as a direct result of what I say/do. I don’t feel like he has any real position on his own in this matter. He thinks he does, but it always changes depending on how I’ve treated him THAT DAY. It’s highly correlated.
Historically, it’s hard to pinpoint a specific pattern (like a monthly thing). I’ve figured out his daily routine (when he does and doesn’t like to engage), but not really any other time frame (like, I figured out for me, I’m chronically miserable in the spring).
But I agree, it appears he WANTS to be better, even if his actions are lacking currently.
My favorite joke: “How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it has to want to change”.
So the shear fact that he want to be better is encouraging. But at this point, talk is cheap.
Man, I’d love to get some space and healing time too. Honestly, I’d love to go into an inpatient setting where I do therapy all day, every day, other people take care of my laundry, my meals, and my free time, and I just get better.
But that would also require someone to do something about my job, my child, my dog, my daily responsibilities. And clearly, H can’t do that currently, so …..
Hey, small victory though, people. Yesterday was the first weekend day since I found those emails that I did NOT have a migraine. Score.
