Okay, so here's the thing..
after all my wandering, musing, this afternoon.

It basically comes down to two things.

I keep getting smacked with reminders.

Everywhere I go. Everything I do. There are nasty little suprises.
I don't mean I go looking for them, and it's not like I read meaning into ordinary things...I mean I keep getting confronted with evidence of past relationships!!
I look in a box for the stapler....I find old pictures of an OW...from back when I didn't even know there was an OW!

Today, I find receipt for $3100 "Raymond Weil" ladies watch 2 1/2 years after he bought it in Jan 2001.
We had been so poor that during that time, he didn't pay any bills, no mortgage, no food bills...nothing for xmas for any of us.Not that we agreed on this, he just up and one day said I didn't appreciate him and he would not pay for anything..... This was the FIRST time he stopped speaking to me for three months and said I needed to "learn to fend for myself" ( We had BOTH lost our jobs in september, he buys the watch in january).

His mother has been poor and illiterate her whole life and he hates her, same for his sister. So he did not give it to either of them. He did not give it to either of our daughters (18 and 23 at the time)In fact he wouldn't even help them with school costs at the time.. And he certainly didn't give it to me. Although the month AFTER he bought it, was when we reconcilled????????????
With him saying it wasn't him that stopped speaking.....

So bottom line.
I recover from one hurt only to be faced with another.
If I mention any of this, each time, he wants to just act like it never happened and the only thing he says is let's not live in the past!

2nd thing.
I am getting over all the past relationships. I am hurt and still smarting, but for the most part coping. I'm having less reactions than in the last few weeks.
But his on going relationship with "shark lady" is literally tearing me apart.

Problem 1:
She is a divorce attorney FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!
and a GESTALT THERAPIST.
If anyone knows how to push buttons and trash a relationship it's HER.

I don't stand a chance.

He is continuing this fantasy in his head with her.....

The other night he said he had to call her to discuss the case....okay fair enough.
him: I don't WANT to call her after "office hours" because she may think I am coming on to her, but I can't call her from work."
me: "so call her at 9 tommorow morning from home."
him: "what and let her get pissed at me for calling during office hours?"
?????????????????????

HE SAYS HE IS NOT A PAYING CUSTOMER(SHE TOOK THE CASE ON RETAINER) and that means he has to be nice to her.

Okay so he calls her with me in the room.
Uses """""MY""""""cell phone with my permission( his was dead).
When she answered I went into the other room, anticipating this will be a lengthy call.....

she: "Oh, I didn't recognize the number....."
him: "Oh, it's just one of my MANY??? cell phones..."
Me from the other room:
me: " why don't you tell her it's mine?"
........talk, talk, talk, 35 minutes later:

she: "you sound sooooo tired, you poor thing"
he: "well yeah, I am..."
she: "how's your back? .....and your feet"
she: " are you eating alright?"
she: "oh, tell me all about your new book!"
she: " How are ALL your classes going"
yada yada yada.............
after 45 minutes of this I cannot stand another minute.....



I grab my keys and give as neutral a face as I can and practically FLY out the door.....saying "I'll be back in 20 minutes"

This case is no where near settled.
They are going to have to continue working closely.
This is creating a huge BONDING between them due to the massive amount of personal data involved.

They are already going to be spending at least two days together in mid-december back in our old hometown, depositioning witnesses....
Together...just the two of them and the hostile witnesses.

He may even have to be there a whole week...the WEEK BEFORE XMAS!!!!!!

Am I being totally insecure?
is this just a hopeless situation.....beyond any hope