Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

I could speculate what the new BF gives XW, but it doesn't really matter does it.

Yes. Things are still very raw from the divorce. My brain just swirls from one problem to the next. I have stretches of days where I'm OK. I have stretches where I'm pretty down. I have very few days where I'm just even.

I've been very conscious of my stress. I'll wake up in the morning or be watching something, doing something or reading and a bad thought comes into my head and I can feel my whole body seize up. There are times where it feels like I'm not breathing.

Strange.

Other thoughts. I may never be comfortable around XW. If not, I'll accept that. I see now why divorced parents move away from their kids. It'd be so much better if I could just start over somewhere else.

I still wonder if it's like a poker game. I still feel like I don't have a good hand -- my house is smaller, I have to work all the time to make ends meet, I'm not dating anyone even though that was my choice in January. So I don't want to play. When I get a stronger hand I'll have more confidence and it won't hurt to see her. Even though I know it's wrong, I have this feeling I'm "losing" the divorce.

This is such a mental challenge.

I was at my Monday night workout class -- which I won't go to again until July because I'm booked umpiring every Monday except Memorial Day in May and June -- when I just thought about how good it's going to feel when I'm finally over this. That gave me some peace.

Hey, sorry about the weight comment. I see it hit some people in sore spots. Years and years ago, XW told me she didn't want to be like her mom -- very overweight and opinionated -- and if I saw that she was I was to tell her.

When she had our first daughter, we ran together until she got down to a size 2. Then she got back to a 4 after our second daughter. She always seemed happier when she was in shape. When she gained all her weight I tried to help -- but by then she was against everything I said.

One of the things she said before I moved out was that "she wanted to be fat."

Now, three years later, D13 tells me about XW's on again, off again efforts to lose weight. D13 says she's going to work out with XW this summer.

It's her life. I remember after D13 was born, that summer when we were running together was one of my favorite summers ever.

I was very thin growing up and I look awful when I'm overweight. I look awful though when I'm too thin. My workout routine is one thing I am pretty happy with. It was just interesting how my first GF and my XW are with people exactly the opposite of me.

The weekend with the girls went well. We didn't do much Friday night. Saturday D13 had a band performance during the day. So D9 and I picked up a friend and went to the children's museum. Then I took them to a fundraiser at a country club. It was actually cheaper to take them to the fundraiser ($50 for 4 people) than to go to a regular restaurant. I let them stay up late.

Sunday, D9 was on the verge of a meltdown for some reason in the morning. I waited it out and we made it to church. We ate after, went to the YMCA for an hour (D13 and I rode stationary bikes and walked on the track) while D9 tried to get on the YMCA computers.

Then home to relax.

There are lots of good things happening for me. The finances for the summer are in good shape because of the umpiring. I'm meeting with the local college for grad school on Thursday. Three fourths of my life are in good shape -- I have a fitness plan that is working, I have a financial plan that is difficult but doable and I have a career plan. Now, it's just the social plan. For as much as I get out and as many friends as I have, the truth of the matter is I'd trade it in a second for someone. I like dinner at home and movies on the couch.