Okay, well, since I haven't packed away all my Halloween stuff, I'm donning my shark costume. Since you asked me to dance, I'm going to let you lead, fishy friend. I will just ask more questions.
But before I do, I see some things that were true last year. And I think you are on to something about what is bothering him. If I had to wager, the book would be my suspicion.
Trish, last year it was the lawsuit. I think you've mentioned a few times that T does NOT handle extreme stress well. In the past, he's been able to stick his head in the sand, give you more of the same behavior, expect you to "wait on him, hand and foot" AND take care of the kids and everything else that needs the attention he does not want to give.
Uh, may I point out that you are very different now?
You have learned to ask for what you want, my friend. And I think in many ways, your behavior is speaking even when you are not verbalizing. Before I get too far, I would like to add that I don't think this is a negative thing, Trish.
Before, you would have sat silently in the background and accepted whatever he had to give you. Even when it made you miserable. The new Trish is willing to take a swing at the bat and express her feelings and fears.
And I suspect that he doesn't quite know what to do with this. The fact is, you're solution focused now and none of this seems to be a deal breaker for you. Or him. And he hasn't figured this out... yet.
Yes, I do recognize a lot of myself in him. (Sad to say.) If I were him and doing this tango with you, I think I would be asking for your support and help and for your understanding.
If I was able to post to him, I'd tell him to take a stress management class and figure out what the rest of the world does to deal with big stress!
But since you're the big variable in your M, I can't do that.
Here come the questions:
1. What can you do to show him that you are there for him? Does he need to hear something specific that would eliminate this need to jab at you?
2. Has he responded well to more physical affection when under this sort of stress? If so, can you show more of it?
3. Go back to when you 2 were just reconciling. You had the lawsuit looming over your head... what worked then? We both know the stress on both of you was astronomical. Yet you managed to step through quite a few landmines to move past it.
4. Is there something specific he needs to see from you or hear from you that you are just fine in your own transition? That you are excited about your new job? That you are looking forward to meeting new people (and possibly reassuring him for the zillionth time that you have chosen him over other men?)? That you are looking forward to taking this new path WITH him without needing him?
I dunno... if my memory serves me well, T doesn't like being needed when he is stressed out?
I've done my twirl, and I haven't landed on my butt from this costume. This song has ended, so I'm letting you decide if we need to sit the next dance out or we're going to give it another whirl!
You're a fabulous dancer, BTW.
Hugs!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
cycler28 if it were me it would be the deadline <<The book is a major stressor right now...He has only 10 days until deadline for 1/4 of the book to be to the editor, he needs about 100 pages >> I feel like this when I am over worked
Not having a good time of it here. In fact every moment this is getting harder and harder. As I type, H is on the cell phone( MY CELL PHONE) with his Attorney/OW. Going over the case. He didn't want to call her during non business hours.....for fear she think he was coming on to her, but never the less, he did. And when she did'nt recognize the number?? He just said "oh, it was one of his many cell phones!!", not " It's my wife's phone. "
UGH!!!!!!!!! Now I am sitting here trying to be calm and cool but I am absolutely exploding inside. Last night I found an old condom in his wallet! It fell out when I went to get some cards for a transaction we were trying to do. He claims he forgot all about it being there. What a horrible twenty four hours this has been. Now to top it off my D21 doesn't want to drive all the way down here for T day because of the stress and I can't blame her!! She doesn't know what's going on, she is just upset with us in general. I don't think I can stand this...I feel like running away! Any where but here!!!!!!!!!!! I just typeda long email to H and want to send it soooooo bad........it( the email) sounds so reasonable but I feel so out of control.
Dear Tim,
By the time I get up the nerve to send this it, will proabably be too late. It won't mattr anymore.
On some level you must realize that your continued involvement with her has, and continues to cause me much distress.
For you to be so insensitive to my feelings seems beyond cruel and down right vindictive.
For you to expect me to put up with your continuing relationship with her seems beyond reason. You expect me to trust you implicitly, when you have at your own admission pursued a realtionship with her. Yes, you pursued that. You invited HER out, You invited her to your club, You invited her for drinks, You invited her to dinner. You were the one who stated your interest in her, your attraction to her. You are the one who keeps emailing and chatting with her sharing this case, which lets put a face on it, is a big part of your life right now.
She has been allowed to penetrate our lives, with your full permission.
You dated other women, you purchased birth control, you continued online relationships, all without my knowledge, and you hid an emotional relationship that you fostered over several years.
Now you ask that I trust you and give you the benefit of the doubt.
In my mind I may have given the benefit of the doubt entirely too much. So much so that you are now insensitive to my feelings and expect me to only consider your position.
You would like so very much to say that I am just insecure, uncertain and demanding.
I have been anything but, and for that I have paid dearly with a husband who is so used to taking me for granted he does not consider my feelings...at all.
You are a prime candidiate for an affair.
You have allowed yourself to go outside the marriage before. You have no respect or consideration for what you did to me or to our marriage. You have never apologized or tried to make up, let alone discuss your behavior.
You have in fact contnued to engage in a relationship with someone you claimed to want to be physical with, in the past.
You two have a great issue to share and I have allowed you all the time and the energy you need to devote to that without so much as a whisper of complaint about what it takes away from "Us".
I have listened and encouraged, I have commissurated and tried to help whenever and wherever I possibly could. Even to the point of sitting there while you email her while we are in bed together!
I have defended you and always will. I can never be your lawyer.
I am your wife. The one who cooks your food, cleans the house, runs the errands, rubs your feet, irons your shirts and gets you soap for the shower!! Brings you your laxative and checks your urine!!
This is far from the romantic fantasy I am sure you have rolling around in your head.
A capable, energetic, accomplished attorney. Who appears compassionate, empathetic, understanding, intelligent and attractive. Who can fend for herself if need be, but can satisfy you whenever you want.
The reality is probably quite different.
Do you think with her, she will always do things your way?
What's she like when she has the flu?
What happens when she wants you to do something for HER?
When she works late constantly and doesn't want to go where you want to.
How many times will she cook your dinner, or do your laundry?
Or never get her back rubbed, but you want her to rub yours?
How does she like being ignored for long periods of time?
Does she like to eat out alot because you never do.Or even have friends?
Does she care about your children?
Everyone comes with their own baggage and issues, and I am sure she has hers.
You see, It's very easy to be your friend on line.
It requires a few minutes each day and you never have to deal with your bad moods, sore back, sad feelings, or anger.
The day to day reality.
The bills, the chores, the mortgage, the kids, the plumber, the taxes.
Your fantasy is afterall, just not all that real.
I wanted to be able to share more with you.
The private times The funny jokes. Fun events, new friends, new places, new adventures. Our growing family, a soft place to land at the end of the day. Holding hands while we sleep.
But you think her so inviting.
I guess the fact that you want me to trust you is insane.
You don't want trust.
You want permission.
Carte Blanche to do whatever, wherever you want.
You don't want me to say NO, I object.
"No, I don't want you to do that."
You want to have the freedom from having to care about anyone else.
The thing is,
I want you to care at least as much about my feelings as you do about yours....or hers.....
Cycler ....I’m sorry, I only know about your sitch what you’ve written on this last thread. But I feel you’re in a lot of turmoil right now, and I wanted to quote something back to you:
“He has been very forthcoming about her and there were many nights we were in bed together while he emailed her something, he always showed me what it was. In fact about two months ago he tried to dismiss her, but found it too difficult to involve a new lawyer this far into the proceedings. No other lawyer would take it on so late in the case without involving her! They appear to have a completly professional relationship and she knows I am here with him and that we are reconcilled.”
Now while more may have happened that I don’t know about, this doesn’t sound like someone who is involved in an affair with said lady. Nor does calling her infront of you.
As for the e-mail – I wouldn’t send it. Your feelings about the relationship in general are, methinks, an entirely separate aspect. By mixing up your feelings about your relationship together with the accusations about the lawyer, you are enabling him to take the focus entirely off the former and onto the later ….. making you “the bad guy” because he is “completely innocent” with regards to the lawyer. Which, lets face it, he very well might be.
Take a deep breath, and take it from a Former OW – I’m not getting “affair vibes” from what you told us.
The other stuff, yes, very valid, and very worthy of discussion … but maybe not tonight, but when you've calmed down a bit. Hang in there, we’re here.
Thanks I needed that.....breathing deeply as instructed.
I keep getting sucked into these interactions he has going on!!. You are so right about separating the issues. He would do exactly as you described, blame me and take the focus off where it truely belongs. I know they are not having an affair now but, but they were seriously flirting with it at one point.
Also big issue for me is this suit is going to go on for quite a while and she is doing everything she can to endear herself to him!!! It is maddening. I am trying to look at this as though "She can have him! Welcome to him, he is not such a prize!! Extremely difficult to live with and she wouldn't know what she was getting herself in for!!"
All true, but never the less it still hurts. thanks again, Trish
Hi Trish - I'm glad you found breathing space. Ellie, Betsey and Pen have saved me from a LOT of trouble, you are in very good hands. I know I'm quite shameless about airing all and sundry here, but it has helped
that T does NOT handle extreme stress well. In the past, he's been able to stick his head in the sand, give you more of the same behavior, expect you to "wait on him, hand and foot" AND take care of the kids and everything else that needs the attention he does not want to give.
Bets 
