Thank you all for your word of encouragement. It rained again, so no field work today. Have been trying to stay busy here at home. Always something to do if I feel like it. I'm feeling very lonely tonight. I need a good cry. But the tears won't come. Maybe I'm getting better. I am really missing my W tonight.
Aprilt, I look forward to the day that I will feel that peace you speak of. It seems so far away from me. Its been such a long time since I've been relaxed and happy.
Labug,its hurts to think that she maybe wanted something different for her life for all those years. I hope she finds herself. And I hope when she does that I can be a part of her life once again. Until then I wait and watch.
Sandi, I so appreciate your views from the other side. I look back to your old posts often. You remind me of my good other sex friend. She will from time to time play devils advocate and look at thing from W point of view. Even when she knows it might hurt, she makes me think. Please continue to check on me. It helps to here of success sometimes.You are very wise.
Tomorrow I plan on going to the lake. My sister will be there. She has been very important in my struggle. I know she checks on this blog once in awhile. If your here Sis, a big thank you. You have been here for me many times and quite literally saved me.
To all who check on me from time to time, a big thank you also. Its helps so much to hear from you all. If you haven't stopped by for awhile, do so. I need all the support I can get. I may be slow sometimes, but I will always get back to you.
"Sandi, I so appreciate your views from the other side. I look back to your old posts often. You remind me of my good other sex friend. She will from time to time play devils advocate and look at thing from W point of view. Even when she knows it might hurt, she makes me think."
Thanks, I appreciate that very much!
The DB method is designed for the spouse that wants the M to work. The one who doesn't care if the M will last, isn't going to be working the DB methods. It's got to be difficult not knowing how the other one thinks about what you're doing. I guess that's why I keep hanging around giving my 2 cents.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well once again I'm up at my usual time. I need to get more sleep. I was awakened this time by a dream. I dreamt that I caught the possible OM near my W's house. I confronted him about whether or not he was involved with my W. He said yes. I asked him if he was having sex with my wife. He said yes. Then I woke up. And now I can't close my eyes without seeing them together.
Maybe this has something to do with something I recently found out. It fits with what one of you told me not too long ago. That WAW will try to make me look bad just to justify what she is doing. And it make sense why her friend was afraid to leave us alone and looked at me with fear on her face. W has told people that I sexually abused or assulted her. That I forced her to have sex. There was one instance long ago that we ML when she was not quite ready. I hope you will know what I mean without me getting too specific. There was no crying or anger of telling me to stop. But I knew that she was sore. I felt bad and said I was so sorry for not taking the time she needed. I did say that I felt like I raped her. But I didn't.
I had to stop at her house to get D's laundry to take to her. The more I thought about what she has been telling her supporters, the more I knew I had to talk to her about it. When I got there I loaded the clothes and then I told her I had something to say. I told her to sit down. That I wasn't there to fight but to say somethng to her. She tried to talk but I told her just to listen. She finally did. I said to her rape is an act of violence not love. That that night I did not do that to her to deleberately hurt her or cause her pain, I was ML to her because I loved her. Again I told her I was sorry it happened the way that it did. I asked when I said that I felt like I raped her would I actually know what that felt like. I said I have never raped anyone and certainly would never rape her. That I loved her and would never hurt her physically. I told her that I felt bad that she had to assassinate my integrity to justify to herself and others why she is doing what she is doing. And I left. She had tears in her eyes but said nothing.
Why am I putting myself though this? It's just going to escalate into war. Maybe I should just take the settlement we agreed on and divorce her. It's what she wants. For me to be the one to do it. I know she will be saving face than. I will be giving up 200 K instead of 1.2 mill. Financially it would be the smart thing for me to do. If it goes to court I will lose my farm. But I love her. I can make more money. I don't care about the money. I want my wife back. What do I do?
I know you're in a lot of pain and this is very difficult but have you noticed you keep doing the opposite of what DB and other posters here suggest?
She cried, do you think that's because you engendered warm feelings in her or because you dredged up something painful from the past? And it was in an effort to make you feel better about something you feel guilt about. I'm not saying you deserve to feel guilty but that you do, and maybe it's time to forgive yourself.
This is about becoming a better person and controlling impulses is a part of that. When you want to talk to her, control that impulse. Wait 48hrs, Yes, wait at least 48hrs. WE all think we have amazingly wonderful, insightful things to say that are going to make our S see the light.
That is true...almost never.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Farmer, IMHO you did a good job expressing regret and apoligizing to your W regarding that sexual incident. Now that you've said it to her, you have to let it go in yourself. She may or may not forgive you, but you must believe you meant it and will make every effort that it will never happen again, whether with your W if you R or with someone else.
I understand that you are willing to lose the farm for your W, yet don't want to if you don't have to. Perhaps an option is to provide your W with a SA and the 200K settlement, but leave it at legally separated, rather than D. Let D play out on it's own time, if your sitch goes that way, even if you are the one to pay for the paperwork.
I suggest that you never use the word "rape" while having a conversation with her. If I understand what you wrote, you are the one who used the word, not her, and it just becomes a blown up version of what really happened.
It's like she's not in her right mind and you can't be saying things like this b/c it just gives her more ammunition to use.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi everybody, yes im still here. I have been extremely busy, which is good. I havent had much time to think about W or what she is doing. Im feeling stronger all the time. I know life will go on with or without her. I dont even remember when I head from her last. Although I havent posted, I do read others posts each night. I find much insight in them. I still havent a clue what she wants or will do next, but I dont dwell on it has much. I find that im venting less to others. I must be getting better. Im being very dark because i feei it is what she wants . But dont get me wrong, i still love her and miss her terriblely. I still pray daily for her return. I havent iost sight of that.
Well I no longer have to wait for the other shoe to drop. W texted yesterday that she wanted to talk. She and our sons came over. She said after sunday she decided she wants the divorce. Sunday we were moving D out of her apartment. I knew it would be tense. I tried to be nice. At one time I gently touched her arm and asked.how she was. But she was not having any of that. She was angry and mean spirited. D wanted us all to go to lunch. I told.her I just coudnt be.around her mom, it was just too hard. This sunday we move her into her new place and im dreading it. But I will be dealing with stbx W for tne rest of my or her life. Better find.a.way to do it. Anyway, back to yesterday. I once again found myself crying and pleading for one more.chance. Sorry dbers. She still has that power over me . I hate that. But I still love even after all.this ordeal. How powerful love can be. It was a long day with some tears, numbness, and at times peace. I ask you all for your prayers and cotinued support. These things will become so important has time goes by.
well, we say here that it ain't over 'til it's over...
Even IF the two of you D, there's evidence that people who D remarry...
Just keep on the path of DB. Dark as possible, GAL, improving yourself through 180s and otherwise...
Just keep becoming a better you... and no matter what happens, you... will be better...
If your W wants the D, the best advice is to let her do all the leg work... only do what you need to do, when you need to do it... if you fight it, it will likely only make it worse...
For example: Any time you are asked for a response with a due date, respond... but only by the due date... and keep everything regarding the D in the hands of the Ls... none of that should be discussed between the two of you if possible.
Good to hear from you again KD. I dont have much time to reply, got to go to work. Yesterday W and I moved D into a new apartment. It went well. W was civil. But no talk was made of divorce. Tuesday, if you read my post, she came and told me whe was going through with the divorce. The papers have been ready for some time. I have heard nothing. No sign of papers, no contact from lawyer, nothing. I dont get it. Is W jacking me around yet again. What? Do one of you out there know the drill? How will papers come? W was still wearing ring. One thing I noticed was her new hairdo. Second shade of hair on bottom. Is this normal for a 50 year old. Looks like MLC to me.
