Good luck with the C today. It *is* hard. There are no shortcuts, and the only way to the other side is through it.
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I can be a bit overbearing with the kids, they have to eat this, not watch that, etc. I have totally stepped back and allowed him to do what he wants with them. Although they are eating more happy meals than I would choose at least he is now taking a much more active role with them.
Ya know, this is a great time in your kids' lives to address this kind of stuff. Lucky you! Some stuff you might want to put on the table for discussion:
1. Have a meeting with H to get on board with a parenting plan. I think all families should have one anyway. Agree on the boundaries, make concessions where you can and come up with strategies in getting him to be your ally with the kids rather than an enemy. Don't get too caught up in the little details, but use this as a blueprint from which to operate. Whatever you adopt with him, make sure it works for both of you and then back each other up. If they learn early on that you are going to enforce what their dad says, he will do the same for you. So the important thing is to get a system that works for the entire family and back each other up no matter what.
2. I have teenagers (as well as nieces and nephews), so this is a path I've traveled and continue to travel. While it is clear that kids need boundaries, rules and parents who are not friends first, your job is to help your kids learn how to make good choices. The good news is that your kids are young enough to do this. And you might win these skirmishes by controlling them now while they are young, but you might lose the war in the long run. So learn how to navigate them with success. Face it, nobody wants to be controlled!
Kids like having choices... so if your goal to win the war is to get them to eat at least 2 servings of fruits and veggies at dinner, give them choices between them. They have a say in the process, but you're still getting what you know is best for them in the big picture.
The same with TV or other extra curricular events. Tie those rewards to expectations... for example, it is not unreasonable to ask your 4 year old to set and clear the table and pick up toys before dinner. Reward them with a half hour of activity they enjoy... "You can choose either a half hour of watching TV (again, building choices in programs that are acceptable), or a video game, or coloring with me if you get your chores done."
This is the kind of behavior that prevents the nagging and baggage that comes with nagging, and rather than address the negative behavior, you are building up and supporting positive reinforcement for cooperating. I can tell you from personal experience that it works. It's not rocket science to adopt a pattern of rewarding behavior that is positive. They learn they have choices in the mix.
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One of his main complaints is how messy I kept our house, and I have been really good about keeping it warm and inviting when he comes over. He did comment on it today, I said "thanks".
Great! Now get those kids to help you clean up too... you are not the boss in charge of mess all by yourself.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey
