Hey Horse I agree with Rick. IMHO letting an I Love You slip while she was in a time of crisis isn't that big of a backslide. She already knows you love her, I think the DB principle is that when they hear us say it, it's implied we want to hear it back which stresses them out/makes them pull away. Don't sweat it and keep your chin up just try not to do it going forward. Good luck!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Thanks guys. I did do some more back sliding just a few days ago when I found out W was on new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug (lexapro this time) which shocked me because she hated taking Zoloft (she was only off of it for a month) because of the side effects. W informed me that her anxiety was just too intense for her to deal with. So instead leaving it at that...I start inquiring what is the problem (you'd think I'd learn to leave well enough alone)...which of course starts an arguement and then following the pattern she gives me the same stereotypical WAW stuff again ("I want out", "I hate being here", "I don't like you", "There is nothing you can do", etc.,etc.). The day after our fight we go to counseling with a new therapist (thank God I scheduled an appointment ahead of time and no I don't think her anxiety issues flaring up a day before the appointment was a coincidence). He seems pretty good, very systematic and solutions oriented with a good success rate (about 95%). Except he wants us to work on "homework assignments" within the month. Both my W and myself are expected to go on dates and talk about nothing but ourselves (specifically if I set up the date to do an activity that I know my W loves I'm supposed to be completely focused on her). This sound a bit pushy to me...on the positive side he said if the initial assigment doesn't work he'll have us try other experiments. What do you guys think about this? I'm really thinking about paying the $$ for a DB coach...has anyone attempted just the one session or should I go for broke and sign up for the 3 session?
Why are you getting involved in and getting yourself worked up over her medication? You created friction, let it become and argument, and fed her justification for wanting out. Sorry, but if she's an adult and has a doctor prescribing for her, the extent of your involvement in that should probably just be feeling good that she's making an effort to manage her healthcare.
Again, why have an opinion of her anxiety issues flaring before a therapy appointment? You sound very involved in her head. If analyzing her behavior is helping you to understand her and where she's coming from, such as if that understanding makes you more patient with potential outbursts the day before therapy, that's probably helpful. The way it was written sounded a little more condescending than compassionate - maybe I read too much into your words?
IMHO it sounds like you need to focus on the DB solution-oriented system. Try something for a while - a couple of weeks, not just one incident, and take note of whether it draws her closer or pushes her away. Sounds like your we-love-you in the moment that she was having difficulty was sweet, unrehearsed - did you find any backlash or negative effect from it? Sounds like your inquiries into her mental state or challenges of her medical decisions would have a negative effect. Watch how she responds to your 180s and if going darker doesn't sound like the right thing, try what you think is right. See if it works and if so keep doing it.
If your assignment sounds pushy why not ask W if it sounds like something she would like to try or if she thinks it sounds too pushy.
Hang in there!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I've had one conseling session with a coach...very constructive and worth the money. And I think we are making progress...my W is finally opening up with some truthful information (I hope). My W confessed to having an affair (really, surprise, surprise...not!...though I was virtually certain she was having an affair knowing for certain made it hurt a lot more). Then she said she wanted an apartment (I also predicted that one), but I convinced her to stay for the sake of our D's (2 yrs and 5 yrs) but only if we opened up the marriage (polyamory was something I thought about when I wanted an affair but didn't about 2 yrs ago...thinking a thought is quite a bit different then actually acting it out...obviously my W doesn't have this problem). We created some ground rules for the open marriage that we both could agree with...though I don't believe she will follow through on them since see 1. she didn't follow through on her vows when we got married and 2. she refused to write the rules down and sign off on them (W didn't want to be "locked into anything"...hmm why agree to any obligation why not do whatever we "feel" like? Obviously a sense of honor, duty, and shame is something my W doesn't have much in abundance) 3. she has been lying for months about the affair why would I believe she would follow through on anything. Now I know that she is a victim of sibling incest and I'm certain that, that experience has completely warped her sense of normal sexuality and intimacy but...she is in nearly constant state of denial about what happened to her and it is up to her to confront her perceptions of reality. But how will she ever do that since she is the least introspective person I have ever met? Nothing much more to add here I just hope she doesn't emotionally scar our kids any more then she has (we had our discussion about the affair while my oldest D was in the next room despite my objections and despite that my D was getting visibly upset). I know it is next to impossible for me to think of my W other then a cold hearted, incredibly selfish, s%ut but...I am trying. And believe it or not I did forgive her for having an affair but...the incredible amount of lying...not just yet.
There has been some progress since my last post. My W did apologize for lying to me but didn't apologize for the affair itself. It is a start, and to be honest the lying made me more upset then the affair itself(what H or W hasn't fanastized about an affair?)so I'm greatly relieved and appreciative about the apology. However, as Michelle Weiner-Davis has warned in her Divorce Remedy book...once you know about the affair and you really want to save your marriage you will find that your emotional response about the affair will be getting in the way of your best efforts. For example, I snapped at my wife a couple of weeks ago for not saying "good night" to me and we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since. As Jody (my DB coach) has recommeded...if any of you out there are going through a similar experience - find a safe place somewhere where you can cry, scream, throw things, whatever, without upsetting your spouse and/or children. It is simply almost impossible to hold in the negative emotions indefinitely. Right now I'm just trying to be a good friend to my wife. And as John Gottman (psychologist specializing in marriages...look him up he is good) states (and so does Michelle) that being a good friend to your troubled spouse is the best thing to do. Oh and lots of space and a godlike amount of patience (something I'm not very good at but I'm getting better)!
What I have been dreading for months finally happened during marriage counseling (MC) this week - my W announced that she is "done" with our marriage. In fact, that morning prior to MC my W put a deposit on a apartment. This has been one hell of an month - find out she has been having an affair early in the month, we start sleeping in separate rooms in the middle of the month, and now she wants out of the house entirely (sometime in the middle of May). As one would guess I'm a wreck right now - just too much grief...way too much. You would think she would spread the blows out a little better...man I feel like crap (and our 9th anniversary is coming up in early May, right after my daughters birthday...how nice). I feel worse for the kids, they are so little, how are they going to get through this if I'm a mess? Only recourse I have is to keep on GAL and try my best to be her calm, helpful friend and father of her children. I'll probably head over to my parents this weekend to grieve and try to put my self together for the long road ahead. Only bright side is she says she is done with the OM...may be I can believe that, I don't know? I know most of you folks are going through the same thing...heaven help us.
I'm sorry to hear about your latest developments, Horse. I'm in a similar situation in that my W wants out and is planning on getting her own apartment starting June 1st. We have been separated for the last two weeks, me living in our new home which we took possession of April 15th and her staying at our condo which she has to be out of at the end of May. Our 9yr anniversary is May 24th so I feel your pain We also did the separate bedrooms thing for a week and to be honest I'm much happier being in my own place right now. It is hard not seeing her everyday but at the same time the distance does lessen the pain to some extent. Hang in there, like everyone here says, time is your friend.
Yeah. I'm starting to feel a little better about the separation. I'm still terrified for my children but I've been reading a book recommended by our MC - The Truth About Children and Divorce by Robert Emery. Apparently the devasting effects that children can experience during divorce that can propagate throughout their lives can be mitigated; IF the parents minimize conflict and work to have joint custody under a peaceful and respectful environment as possible. A very tall order indeed, but my W and I have promised to keep this as amicable as possible and, though I still love her I've promised to be her friend and to be a good parenting partner. I'm not advocating divorce here...I just believe that I can accomplish two things - 1. By being calm, decent, and being a responsible dad this separation hopefully won't be that horrible for my kids. 2. If I can be a loving, kind, cheerful friend to my wife she just might realize that life with me isn't so unbearable and that she will come back. That's my hope! Best of luck to you too Hoser.
Oh I forgot to mention...to all you folks out there who are having a very hard time keeping your cool - it can be done. As Michelle states in DR and what other have posted here: find a place and time to vent, cry, and cool down. Here are some examples that I've experienced recently: For weeping - I've found a place in our basement that is very private. For cooling down - my wife has a bad habit of stripping down right in front(most of her cloths are still in my room) of me even though she knows how much I love her and how attracted to her I am. She did this to me yesterday and I nearly let her have it with a self rightous rant. But I went to the computer room, checked my email, and the weather, and managed to control my temper. I realized I needed to talk to her in a respectful manner...I went to her room and in a very friendly way, requested that she not strip in front of me any more because she knows how I feel about her. To my amazement she immediately apologized (she rarely apologizes for anything) and said that she would make a conscious effort not to "tease" me (we haven't had sex in over 2 months, plus I'm working out all the time so my sex drive is going through the roof) like that again. I can be a real hot head and a real ranting jerk sometimes...so folks...if I can do it you can to!
It was hard seeing my W's intended apartment for the first time yesterday. W told me that lease signing is in a week and that she plans on being moved in completely within a maximum of three weeks. Good grief this is going way too fast for me! I know that we wouldn't reconsile until after she moved out...but...boy this is hard to contemplate. At least I'm past the weepy stage of this separation (though I'm sure it will come back). Now I'm dealing primarily with anger and resentment and trying to go through DR last resort technique. I'm thinking about throwing in a new 180 - getting rid of the terms of endearment e.g. "hon", "bebez", etc. and just calling my W by first name...man that will be hard. Any advice from the more experienced crowd who has gone through WAS and a move-out of W/H? Thanks.
We also did the separate bedrooms thing for a week and to be honest I'm much happier being in my own place right now. It is hard not seeing her everyday but at the same time the distance does lessen the pain to some extent. Hang in there, like everyone here says, time is your friend.