I've been doing some real soul searching, as I know you know.
I have asked myself what is it I really need to get past all this?
What is it that I am trying to get from him? Most importantly, why do I want it?
Honestly, I seem to want and need sooo much. I wondered how much was realistic to expect.
There's that awfull word.......expectations.
If I can remember to go on without expectations!! That would be so much healthier.
I made a list of what I wanted. Then I had to figure out how to get it!
What I came up with was, that I don't think I'm gonna get it!
Not that I don't want it bad enough or derserve it.
But maybe, just maybe I don't really need it. I think maybe God already knew, I DON'T NEED it to continue on my journey.
Getting it isn't going to give Tim what he needs to heal, or me either.
The reason is..... because it's not what HE NEEDS to give.
I had to come to why isn't he giving me what I want? Why is it he was refusing to even discuss this??? What is it HE NEEDS?
He can't give me what I need, if he doesn't understand what he did and why he did it. And he doesn't. Not yet. Not fully. He knows what he did was stupid. He knows what he did was all wrong. He also knows it was not what he wanted, he just doesn't know how else to express that, except in his own way. Which is to move on. Move forward. Make progress. Not focus on what he can't change but to do what he knows is right, right now.
God will have to heal him in his own time...not mine.
So,let's say he did give me all these answers and reassurances.....What is that giving Tim??? Is that helping him to become a better husband??? I don't think so, it gives ME something, but it doesn't make him aware of SQWAT!
It is focusing on ME...and I am beginning to see that what he needs to do, to see what he's done, is focus on HIM!!!!
To think about why he did what he did and what he wants to do about it.
So what I came to was, there is more than one way to arrive at the same outcome.
I think I had constructed a model in my head that said: He must explain, he must apologize, he must try and make me happy". One where we NEED to talk about the past, about what led to his decisions, hoping to avoid the same path...........but what I was really trying to do was CONTROL THE OUTCOME!!!!!
WE CANNOT CONTROL THE OUTCOME. He could explain things for a MILLION years and I will not like it any better or feel any better about what happened, I will not forget it any more, or think any less about it!!
It won't change what happened. I cannot change what happened.
What I truely wanted was to understand why he did it.
I think I know why....and it didn't make it any better either!! Soooooooo......
Strangely enough...... I think that will do it for me.
There are no gaurantees in life.
He can't promise what he's going to do in the future, he may make mistakes, he may screw up. He may bad decision. And so might I!!
He's a human being. And none of us come with instructions or guarantees.
The other thing I realized when questioning myself was that the thing I struggled with MOST was: Why hadn't I seen this, why wasn't I able to do something to prevent it. Again a control issue.
Some wise person once said to me was:
"Once we let go of the belief that we could of or should have done something different to prevent or stop our spouses MLC, or A or whatever, we start to focus on ourselves and discover our own meaning of life and why we are here. Nothing we could have done would have prevented our spouses MLC or A. It need to happen for them. For their growth."
For the longest time I have been holding myself responsible for what happened.I know that may seem silly, but I did. I played the "if only" game with myself. If only I had done this, if only I had done that........
How arrogant of me to think I had that kind of control.
God knows best what anyone "NEEDS".
Tim NEEDS to go through this to become the person he needs to become and I need to go through this to become the person I need to become. Pain and all.
If things were always easy we wouldn't grow. I needed to grow up. I needed to be more aware. I needed to take stock. I really!! needed to trust God more. I needed a bazillion things!!!
Your question that you suggested I ask Tim: "What do you need from me that shows I am 100% committed to this realtionship?" ...............is sheer inspiration.
It makes me want to cry. I have never asked him that and feel that I have let him down in ways that he has never expressed to me either.
I am terrified of the answer. But one great thing is I know I have you and God in my corner. Maybe this will get the thermostat moving up.
Oh, Trish, I didn't mean to bring tears to your eyes?
I was actually going to respond to everyone in e-mail today, but I got bonked on the head this morning with some clarity, and figured it would be a waste not to share those limited milliseconds of brilliance with my friends.
Seriously, I have done NO work today! I might decide to do one small task just to make sure I can go home feeling as though I contributed to the overall financial stability of my employer...
But since I have some time to spare before I get started on that 2 minute task, I'm back.
If it makes you feel better, I have done the "If only I had done..." game myself. I don't think you were being arrogant? But someone who was desperate for answers on how she came to arrive at such an unpleasant destination? And one game I think we all play until we realize that this absolutely MUST play out in order for all of us to be in a better place?
I think your post was nothing short of brilliant.
I do know that the more I live in the moment, the less I feel I need to have the things I think I need in order to move forward. I believe I hear a voice inside my head (hoping it's our friend, God) saying, "Trish, don't worry! I've got this all under control. Trust me!"
Believe me, He says those words to me all the time.
I told N the other day that before our split, I used to pray to God to bring me a man who could love me with all his heart. I really and truly did not allow for the possibility that it would not be my H. And look how hard I fought it? All I can say now is "Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see your work in progress. You've been answering my prayers all along, and I realize that no path to that outcome was going to be without immense pain. But you brought me to it, and you've brought me through it. Thank you."
And thank YOU for being one of my loyal friends.
Hugs and lots of love,
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Trish - I can see so many similarities in our musings ... Really need to focus on my report today, but I'm bookmarking your thread, there be wisdom here.
"Trigger Happy" The name of my new thread if I could just figure out how to do it!!
I feel stuck.Uncertain. Sad. I am sure there are lessons but I'm not gettin' it.
I can't seem to get past alot of "triggers". They seem to be coming at me left and right!
A comment like: "Oh, she reminds me of..."(some woman he had a date with last year) When he sees an anchor woman on tv. What am I suppose to say to that???? I said: "Oh, what reminds you of her? H: "Well, she looks like her."
When he said it again the next night, about ANOTHER woman from last year...I said nothing. (I know He could feel the tension coming from me, my sighs and fidgeting, silence.) He finally changed the channel two minutes before the end of the show! I thought long and hard about this and so when at the next commercial when I saw another woman who looked like this woman, I said: "Oh, she looks like an older version of so and so".
H: "yeah, there you go!..." ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? WTF?????
Okay, so she looks like a lot of people...so what....what am I suppose to do with this??
Is he trying to get a reaction? Is he sooo insensitive he doesn't realize he is putting salt in a very open wound, comparing her to a pretty woman on tv while he's in bed with me!? Is this a test? (my least likely version) Is he being cruel?
Are these reactions on my part due to my insecurity or his insensitivity?
I don't know if using the "stop" thought approach is good in this instance.
How can if figure this out, if I stop thinking about it?
I am feeling just very sad.
I am beginning to think he is has just continued on with me out of a FEAR of feeling guilty. Not that he FEELS guilty, but rather that he doesn't WANT to feel guilty.
He doesn't want to deal with my feelings OR HIS for that matter! He just wants me to pretend that I am happy so HE won't feel guilty. He doesn't care if I am happy, he just doesn't want to SEE my unhappiness.
I think he believes he's "making the most" out of the situation right now, but would rather be sharing his time and experiences with someone else if he could.
I have this feeling that I am not really wanted here. That although it's okay, he's having a nice enough time at the moment..and can tolerate me as long as there are no problems, that actually he would rather it be with----fill in the blank--.
There is always a sense of disappointment in all our activities, eminating from him. A sense of his feeling some anger, disillusionment, and acting distant. Somehow not fully participating and happy to be with me.
I use to chalk this up to "that's the way he is"....never fully happy.......but I am not so sure anymore.
Quote: I have this feeling that I am not really wanted here. That although it's okay, he's having a nice enough time at the moment..and can tolerate me as long as there are no problems, that actually he would rather it be with----fill in the blank--.
So the question is, why ISN'T he with all these other women?????
WASs seem to be quite happy to confide a lot of details about the OW with their own Ss for some reason. Using us like a confidant. H told me that OW 1 was the most compatable W in bed that he had ever experienced. Boy, was I peased to hear that!!!
Yet this same W gave him the old heave ho!
Look on the bright side - if he told you NOTHING about these wonem, you might feel he was keeping everything from you. Would you? What would you actually like him to do? Not mention anything about them ever? You could see his willingness to share with you as trusting you with his confidences.
Just some thoughts.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I'm busy chasing my naked D7 around, but I want to give you a hug (((((Trish))))) and remind us both where we started together a year ago.
Shall I remind you that this dynamic is something a crazymaker does when he needs something from you? What does he need, Trish? If he was reverting to the past behavior, he would get a reaction, which would make you do what? And he would get what from that?
You got angry and he would then do what???
What purpose did his anger serve? And because he allowed himself to use his anger to blame you for making him do that, he could escape culpability in his mind because you provoked him.
So let's short circuit this dynamic. What is triggering HIS fears?
Let me reassure you, my friend, that this isn't about you. It's about him. Remember me? Betsey? It takes one to know one. And your H and I aren't too different...
Back to the drawing board. Shall I pretend I'm a shark again and we can dance this one through so you get some answers?
Hugs my dear friend.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
As always I am reminded what a blessing you guys are!
Well, I've been giving alot of thought to your replys. When I first read them, I was just relieved that there was something more to consider!
"Why ISN'T he with other women??" I know that is a big question for me.
He has said many times in our history together that " He believes God brought us together. That I am the woman he is suppose to be with." But I think that is his catholic upbringing speaking. He says this, almost like HE can't really figure it out!
He certainly could have called it quits MANY, MANY times, but I think it's because he's found a way to have his cake and eat it too! He could have a family, but not be responsible on a day to day basis, not have to deal with the everyday junk, but have access to the fun times, and of course to me...The little wife waiting patiently at home ready to love him and give him sex whenever he wanted it!
I guess I am just beginning to believe that it's because:
1. He wants to TRY and stay close to his kids and without me,that isn't going to happen. 2. I am sure he realizes, even more so after his forays last summer, no one else would put up with him like I do! NO ONE would do things for him like I do waiting on him and adapting to his moods, and letting him have his way on most everything we do. 3. He probably can't bring himself to be sexually open with anyone else. (He is on anti-depressants, cholestrol medicine, migraine meds, etc. and I know he is concerned about ED.....has a stash of viagra that he got while we were seperated.) 4. He doesn't really want to have to invest emotionally in any kind of relationship. (Let's face it, a relationship takes work! and he is not intertested in having to work at ANY relationship! Not his kids, not his mother, or brother, not me,very much, and so certainly not a stranger who would come into a relationship with some expectation that there would be something reciprocal.( At first it must be exciting to tell your story to someone else, but then after a while you have to care about THEM back....you have to have some interest in THEM...not just yourself, right?) 5. He wants to write( massive time consuming, event eliminator, sleep scheduling goal! and teach, also time consuming )and do things only HIS schedule. 6. He has high cholestrol so he doesn't like to eat out,(a dating nessessity ) 7. He doesn't like to spend money on people who won't be around much.( again dating) 8. He has screws in his feet, so he doesn't participate in much outdoor activity (also not good for dating). 8. He doesn't drink, he doesn't have any buddies or groups he hangs around with. 9. He is very picky about socializing with others, he demands that people be intelligent or they just are not interesting for him. Therefore his social circle would iunclude Doctors, lawyers, other professionals who WORK!! and don't have alot of time for socializing!!
My point is, not too many women would put up with this, they would want to have a partner who is at least somewhat intertested in doing something togther that SHE might like to do... Fortunately, I love to workout, I love the beach, I love solitude, I love politics and reading a good book...I love gourmet cooking and I love to travel, even at a moments notice, I am comfortable with fundraisiers, and benefits so we can socialize at these rather impersonal gatherings
and.....I adore our children, so keeping involved with them is always on my proirity list, if they want me for anything. Except for the kids not a pretty picture, huh. I am almost embarrased at how are relationship seems so lopsided.....UGH. I am ashamed at myself for putting up with alot I should not have. LivN, what you said about how they share details with spouses made me feel so much better ...You're right, I want him to tell me things, it's just such a weird position to be in!! Wanting to know but being hurt by what I then know.
I think he WAS testing the waters with those comments! I mean, if I react to THOSE kind of innocuous statements what would I do with some bigger revelation?!
Betsey! I love your visuals!! D7 naked and running around, haha! I know your plate is always full, but someday you will look back and these will be such precious memories. I know we have come far, I find it almost surreal, for both of us.
last year at this time, never in a million years would I have thought I would be here where I am and with T!
You of course are right...he needs something from me, but I struggle with what that is.
I don't think he is reverting to past behavior. I honestly don't. I don't think he is persuing any relationships here, now. If he was my only reaction, would be to leave immediately. I wouldn't even give him a chance. I don't think HE realizes that, he probably believes he could talk me into anything!
Good question...if I got angry, what would he do? gotta think about that one for a bit.
In fact I think I need to digest your whole post because it is at the heart of what I am stuggling with.....
So I am stopping to go for a run and think some more..
As always you get right to it and I sooooo need that...
Just want U to know I'm gleaning strength and healing from your posts.
I really appreciate your thoughtful self-analysis. I cannot quite clear up my own muddy pond right now, but your stillness shows me how it might be done.
So happy for the wonderful company. It really throws me a rope.
My H has behaved exactly as yours does. Has a bulging fanny pack full of sea salt. At least I'm no longer begging to see what's in it.
Wow. You rock!
Cheers and love and birds overhead enjoying the wind.
Okay, so Betsey, If I am following this: He wants me to get him angry so he'll have a reason to......blow up?? I think I see where you are going.... He is unhappy about something. If he makes me angry, then he can "show up and throw up" all over me, and then blame me that he got angry.
All because he is NOT dealing with SOMETHING?? Feeling something and wants to expode about it but can't...??
Possible ideas: He is worried about my starting my new job?? (Possible attractive men in the firm(construction firm) and I will not be able to wait on him hand and foot now that I will be busy??) He HAS mentioned SEVERAL times how I will be "busy" once I start and how I won't be able to wait hand and foot on him.
OR:
The book is a major stressor right now...He has only 10 days until deadline for 1/4 of the book to be to the editor, he needs about 100 pages, along with work, he may be concerned about bitting off more than he can chew?
QUOTE:
"What purpose did his anger serve??"
It got my sympathy? It got my co-operation? It got me to take responsibility for how he is feeling instead of him being to blame? So that if something does go wrong, it's my fault????
How's that??
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU( sigh of relief) It is about him.
Okay, I really think you are onto something. But how to short circuit this dynamic is <<<<KEY>>>>
You and he can be alike, thank goodness for me, because you see right through him!! HAHA But I must say, although you share the dynamic, your growth, compassion and self awareness is remarkable.Something he should aspire to!!
So if you wouldn't mind....put on your shark fin and let's TANGO!! I could use the help. Big hug! Trish
...You're right, I want him to tell me things, it's just such a weird position to be in!! Wanting to know but being hurt by what I then know. 