"Trigger Happy" The name of my new thread if I could just figure out how to do it!!
I feel stuck.Uncertain. Sad. I am sure there are lessons but I'm not gettin' it.
I can't seem to get past alot of "triggers". They seem to be coming at me left and right!
A comment like: "Oh, she reminds me of..."(some woman he had a date with last year) When he sees an anchor woman on tv. What am I suppose to say to that???? I said: "Oh, what reminds you of her? H: "Well, she looks like her."
When he said it again the next night, about ANOTHER woman from last year...I said nothing. (I know He could feel the tension coming from me, my sighs and fidgeting, silence.) He finally changed the channel two minutes before the end of the show! I thought long and hard about this and so when at the next commercial when I saw another woman who looked like this woman, I said: "Oh, she looks like an older version of so and so".
H: "yeah, there you go!..." ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? WTF?????
Okay, so she looks like a lot of people...so what....what am I suppose to do with this??
Is he trying to get a reaction? Is he sooo insensitive he doesn't realize he is putting salt in a very open wound, comparing her to a pretty woman on tv while he's in bed with me!? Is this a test? (my least likely version) Is he being cruel?
Are these reactions on my part due to my insecurity or his insensitivity?
I don't know if using the "stop" thought approach is good in this instance.
How can if figure this out, if I stop thinking about it?
I am feeling just very sad.
I am beginning to think he is has just continued on with me out of a FEAR of feeling guilty. Not that he FEELS guilty, but rather that he doesn't WANT to feel guilty.
He doesn't want to deal with my feelings OR HIS for that matter! He just wants me to pretend that I am happy so HE won't feel guilty. He doesn't care if I am happy, he just doesn't want to SEE my unhappiness.
I think he believes he's "making the most" out of the situation right now, but would rather be sharing his time and experiences with someone else if he could.
I have this feeling that I am not really wanted here. That although it's okay, he's having a nice enough time at the moment..and can tolerate me as long as there are no problems, that actually he would rather it be with----fill in the blank--.
There is always a sense of disappointment in all our activities, eminating from him. A sense of his feeling some anger, disillusionment, and acting distant. Somehow not fully participating and happy to be with me.
I use to chalk this up to "that's the way he is"....never fully happy.......but I am not so sure anymore.
