WAW roomate is telling me she is moving out..

[~ kd ~]

OK, so she still wants to sell and move to separate homes...

Is this the first house she or you guys have ever sold?

I'm going to pretend I don't find a little humour in the garbage disposal thing... it sounds like she's fixing up the house like she'd LIKE the house... only to sell it... as she was upset that the garbage disposal didn't fit... shouldn't be her problem since the house is to be sold...

Has the house been assessed?

Has the option of you staying there and her moving (with an SA or other agreement to split the asset) been discussed?

[hangten]

I am still waiting for any papers. No separation agreement no D papers. My w has had the option to serve me the D papers since January. As we have been legally separated for a year. I found that out after speaking with a lawyer last week. I will not file. That will make it easy of my w. I have discussed it with my w about me staying in the house. My w does not want me to have it with out her. (even if I could afford it) This is my w dream house. Our first house together. We bought this house from my SIL. Originally I wanted a smaller house more with a more manageable mortgage. My kids love the house. It is all they have known.

[hangten]

I want my w to discuss custody issues first then we can discuss property.

[hangten]

Yesterday my s stayed home from school. My s has been complaining to me about the kids at school. My w decided my s should change school back in Sept. I did not fight my w on that. My s has been complaining to me and telling me that he wants to go back to his old school. I listen to what my s says and try to give him some suggestions like tell the teacher. My s is in Grade 4 he seems to be made fun of and my s does not seem to have any friends to lean on for support. I talked to my w last night and said that my s may not want to go to school because of how he feels at school. My w responded defensively I told him to suck it up. My said that she told him to not cry in front of the other kids. I told my w I disagree with that approach. I asked my w if she heard what she was saying. My w said that he has been saying this for months. I told my w that I will send his teacher an email to explain how my s is feeling. I want another set of eyes on the s. My w was very defensive when I was speaking to her about our s. I hope My w can put down her wall.

[hangten]

I had a tough weekend. My w has been fighting or just arguing that she needed to her own taxes this year. Turns out she needs the info on my tax return just as I need her info. Our forms are still united. I have been saying that for months. Not protesting just stating the facts. Anyways my w seemed to soften. I told her I need to know the date for separation. My w told me it was November 2010. I told my w since I did the taxes last year and you agreed I left it as married. My w said that she told her L that was the date. I told her with the Govt.they do not know I will put the date as 1/1/2011. My w said ok. I told her we need to do child custody payments since we are separated. My w again did not know. I was stressed out I have been doing the taxes all sunday afternoon. I got frustrated and I told my w that I will take it to someone as I am too stressed out and it is a little more complicated than being married. My w was clearly frustrated. Questions about this and that. I felt overwhelmed and told my w that I have always done the best I can financially. I let my w know that I never felt that my w had my back. I never heard that I was doing a good job. I always hear that I didn't do that and this. I told my w that I need to have someone tell me that I am not a screw up. That I am doing good. My w did not know what to say and she went to the other room and cried. My w said that she was crying at her choices. My w would not elaborate.

I let my take our taxes over to her SIL house. BIL did our taxes. He spent a few hours. but figured it out. This was a tough night. but the text it will be easier.



My BIL ended up helping with our taxes.

[hangten]

On Monday a friend at work suggest that I text my w and say I wanted to take Tuesday off and have a discussion about our sitch with out the kids.

H- Do you think you can work from home tomorrow so that we can come to a resolution on what to do with the kids?

w- Was in a meeting so couldn't respond...I have to look at my calender for tomorrow..

H- Whatever works for u? we need to work this out

w- I know...Just talked with BIL and together we owe less than you thought

H- I don't really care about the taxes.. it stresses me out... I want to discuss custody with you

w- ok we will talk tonight after they are in bed.

H- I would prefer during the day not at night ... we both get cranky at night...with out the kids present

w- I understand.. Its hard to be off.. I'm so busy...Trying to think of what else to do

H- So am I ...I want an end to this stalemate

w- ok



My w took the day off on Tuesday. I did too I had some errands to do banking and paying for kids hockey next year. We started our negotiations and feelings talk at 10:30am. we did not finish til 3:00 pm. We both worked out a separation agreement together. We both were very emotional. My w said that she thinks what if she is making a mistake. I said if you feel you need to do this I will abide by your decision. I broke the DB rule...I told my w that I still care and love her. My w says that she knows and can see how the kids respond to me now. My w says that she always wanted that. I told my w that I don't want what we had. That was too stressful. My w agreed. I told my w that I do not know what the future holds.

We kinda of completed a separation agreement. My w seemed to stop and just talk to me. No longer was she speaking at me. We were re-learning what each of us were doing the past year. My w said that she will send me a copy. I still don't have it. I don't think she will give it to me. We discussed selling the house. what property she wanted. My w never gave a date. My w stopped and say that she is not sure she wants to go through with this...My w will miss the kids...but she can't live with me. I agreed with her I could not live with the way I was.
My w thanked me for suggesting to take the day off. My w said that she needed this. I agreed with her. I hope I can build off of this.

My w still wants to go through with this. We cut through the tension. I think we can have a good friendship. I want more. It will have to take time. It may even have to go through separation. Maybe even selling the house. I will cross the bridge when we get there. I am not so scared of the future..nor do I know what to expect.

[AlwaysTrying]

Hangten, I just caught up on your sitch. Thanks for sharing. Your W is having second thoughts. That is great.

It also seems clear that she needs some space. She sees changes in you that she wants, but she is resentful that you didn't make these changes sooner. Time and space are needed to overcome the resentment, everyone seems to say.

Living in the same house isn't working, at least not the way you're doing it. Is it not ok to say, "W, you're wondering if we're making a mistake. Maybe we should try some counseling to explore that feeling a little. I understand that it is hard for you to be around me and I think that is something we should talk about. I think you need more space and I think a counselor can help us figure out how to do that."?

Do you understand what pushed you apart in the first place? This is what I picked up - you were unavailable and always working or on the computer. You had a temper and were not always great with the kids. Your wife resented that you weren't helping out around the house. You allowed your wife to disrespect you and treat you like a doormat.

Guys, is it allowed to say, "For the last year, I've been working to change the things that pushed us apart so that we could have a happy marriage going forward if we can get past the pain and resentment. I've made positive changes and I know you've noticed them, but I don't think I understand well enough the other issues that continue to bother you. I'd like it if we could talk to someone so that I can understand those issues better. I also think we may need to give ourselves more space to let the pain and resentment start to heal and I think talking to a counselor will help me to understand how to do that. Whether we remain married or not, these things will help our relationship with each other and with our kids and are worth talking about."

It sounds to me like you have a confused WAW, hangten, and not one that is firmly resolved. She says she wants that D, but the saying is don't believe what they say and less than half of what they do.

I think she wishes she didn't want to D you.

[hangten]

I came home saturday morning after my s hockey practice. My w was downstairs de cluttering and she seemed in a aggrivated mood. I walked down the stairs in to a hornet nest. My w had dry walled over a piece of drywall with no support and it will crack after it dries. I mentioned this to her and she flipped out that she wants out of the house. She wants to sell it in april. I am sorry that you feel that way and she escalated the anger. I told her that she is being pressured by the people on your BB I reached for it. I did not touch my w but she fell over a box to get the BB. I told my w i could not be here any more. My w yelled and screamed at me in fornt of the kids. I asked her to look at the kids. My w lashed out at me and punched me and siad I made her do it. I told her I will call the cops and get you out. I was ashamed at how I said that. I don't wnat her out. My w ended up scratching my hand to get me from calling the cops. I think my stalling is really getting my w to be hating me more. I need to change tactics and sell the house. That way my w will not be angry at me. I should have called the cops.

[MrBond]

Here's a newsflash for you.

Your W will be mad at you regardless of what you do. It has stopped being about her and now you concentrate on you. If you don't want to sell the house, then don't. She doesn't have to be there. You don't have to listen to everything she says. Her anger is within her. She's lashing out at you because you're an easy target. She can't possibly look inwards to see that she has issues, so she looks for the closest thing to blame. That's you.

Yes you should have called the cops. But when she does that again, look her DEAD in the eye and tell her that she will not assault you again. And that she will pack her bags and leave at that moment. If not then you will call the police. Have your cut documented somehow.

In your W's state of mind, don't be surprised if she manages to flip it around on you.

[hangten]

yeah my w tried to flip it on me. I took pictures of the brusies and cuts from her nails. This happened in front of the kids. My s told my w that she was making stuff up cause he saw her hit me. My w imediately backtracked. She has been very tearful since that sunday morning. I refuse to console her. My w apologised and tried to insinutate that I was abusive in the past. I remember that incident and she was insinuating. I heard and listen to what she said i did not agree she was rewriting history.

Since sunday morning. I have decide to sell the house. I will give my w what she wants. My w plans to move back with MIL. I feel sorry for her. My w will not be left alone. I got rid of the piano today. I have a real estate agent coming tomorrow. I just want this tension to abate. If it means selling the house so be it. I want no more reasons for her to blame me. I fell if she has nothing else to BIt about than I hope she will look in the mirror.