I've been doing some real soul searching, as I know you know.
I have asked myself what is it I really need to get past all this?
What is it that I am trying to get from him? Most importantly, why do I want it?
Honestly, I seem to want and need sooo much. I wondered how much was realistic to expect.
There's that awfull word.......expectations.
If I can remember to go on without expectations!! That would be so much healthier.
I made a list of what I wanted. Then I had to figure out how to get it!
What I came up with was, that I don't think I'm gonna get it!
Not that I don't want it bad enough or derserve it.
But maybe, just maybe I don't really need it. I think maybe God already knew, I DON'T NEED it to continue on my journey.
Getting it isn't going to give Tim what he needs to heal, or me either.
The reason is..... because it's not what HE NEEDS to give.
I had to come to why isn't he giving me what I want? Why is it he was refusing to even discuss this??? What is it HE NEEDS?
He can't give me what I need, if he doesn't understand what he did and why he did it. And he doesn't. Not yet. Not fully. He knows what he did was stupid. He knows what he did was all wrong. He also knows it was not what he wanted, he just doesn't know how else to express that, except in his own way. Which is to move on. Move forward. Make progress. Not focus on what he can't change but to do what he knows is right, right now.
God will have to heal him in his own time...not mine.
So,let's say he did give me all these answers and reassurances.....What is that giving Tim??? Is that helping him to become a better husband??? I don't think so, it gives ME something, but it doesn't make him aware of SQWAT!
It is focusing on ME...and I am beginning to see that what he needs to do, to see what he's done, is focus on HIM!!!!
To think about why he did what he did and what he wants to do about it.
So what I came to was, there is more than one way to arrive at the same outcome.
I think I had constructed a model in my head that said: He must explain, he must apologize, he must try and make me happy". One where we NEED to talk about the past, about what led to his decisions, hoping to avoid the same path...........but what I was really trying to do was CONTROL THE OUTCOME!!!!!
WE CANNOT CONTROL THE OUTCOME. He could explain things for a MILLION years and I will not like it any better or feel any better about what happened, I will not forget it any more, or think any less about it!!
It won't change what happened. I cannot change what happened.
What I truely wanted was to understand why he did it.
I think I know why....and it didn't make it any better either!! Soooooooo......
Strangely enough...... I think that will do it for me.
There are no gaurantees in life.
He can't promise what he's going to do in the future, he may make mistakes, he may screw up. He may bad decision. And so might I!!
He's a human being. And none of us come with instructions or guarantees.
The other thing I realized when questioning myself was that the thing I struggled with MOST was: Why hadn't I seen this, why wasn't I able to do something to prevent it. Again a control issue.
Some wise person once said to me was:
"Once we let go of the belief that we could of or should have done something different to prevent or stop our spouses MLC, or A or whatever, we start to focus on ourselves and discover our own meaning of life and why we are here. Nothing we could have done would have prevented our spouses MLC or A. It need to happen for them. For their growth."
For the longest time I have been holding myself responsible for what happened.I know that may seem silly, but I did. I played the "if only" game with myself. If only I had done this, if only I had done that........
How arrogant of me to think I had that kind of control.
God knows best what anyone "NEEDS".
Tim NEEDS to go through this to become the person he needs to become and I need to go through this to become the person I need to become. Pain and all.
If things were always easy we wouldn't grow. I needed to grow up. I needed to be more aware. I needed to take stock. I really!! needed to trust God more. I needed a bazillion things!!!
Your question that you suggested I ask Tim: "What do you need from me that shows I am 100% committed to this realtionship?" ...............is sheer inspiration.
It makes me want to cry. I have never asked him that and feel that I have let him down in ways that he has never expressed to me either.
I am terrified of the answer. But one great thing is I know I have you and God in my corner. Maybe this will get the thermostat moving up.
