My Story/Mixed Messages...

[2012sf]

I know tomorrow the kids are in school all day and I probably won't hear a peep out of him until afternoon when they get out. He will still avoid me for a bit. I have to truly keep not texting, pressuring, let him continue to have his space, and then make tomorrow evening a good time for us all. I've told myself I need to act like divorce isn't even on the table, quit asking questions that have to do with the relationship or the future, concentrate on the house and the projects I have going in it, and be positive, accepting, and a girl he wants to be around when I get the chance to be around him.

I am really coming to the realization this is real, it is very serious, he is going to actually go through with this unless I stay the course and stick with doing something different and not losing my mind and re-asking questions that I already know the answers to. I need to make positive progress and build on it, not just make positive progress and then mess it completely up, have to do repair work to get any of that back and then repeat the cycle over and over again. All I am doing is confirming in his mind that the changes aren't real and he won't want to come back to life here with all this craziness going on.

This is so hard. But I feel like I am seeing what I need to do. The hard part is doing it and sticking to it. And being lonely. I have lots of friends and family, but it just isn't the same as when you are with your husband and that connection. And it is so hard to see that decisive action in his face and feel the distance that he has put between us to shield from any work on the marriage. I can so see that he has truly signed out and he is here because he is a good Dad and he is responsible for us and he won't just leave us hanging. I am really hurting that I have lost him so much though. I need to stick to the divorce busting for a long time and let the positives build and try to break into the zone where he is letting his guard down with me more.