My Story/Mixed Messages...

[2012sf]

heartbrokeinsd,

Thanks for telling me you think I am doing good. I feel like I am doing terrible. I read everywhere how to do this and it seems like I muscle through it for a few days and then it all falls apart and I do everything wrong and completely undo every good thing I had done. I have really got to buckle down and get consistent and stop messing up my hard work. It always seems like a good idea to ask one more question, look for one more answer, and in reality I am pushing him farther away and angering him more and more.

[2012sf]

I-Care,

It's hard to be in this spot. I wish so bad I could get him to want to at least work on it with me. I know if he would make that decision, he would be on the path to us fixing things and I have no doubt we could fix our problems, I just can't get him to open up to the possibility at all. He did finally call and he is going to see an Individual Counselor on his own, and he told me he got the name of a marriage counselor. Which sounds positive, but he says he is doing it because of how we keep getting into these drawn out discussions about our relationship that go in circles about the same things over and over again. To him it is divorce counseling, it is all about a better divorced relationship. I don't know if I have much hope it will do any good for the marriage part of things with the way he is looking at it.

[2012sf]

Journaling--After he brought the kids back home tonight, he was cooled down much more and he told me he doesn't like fighting with me and doesn't want to fight with me. He looked better and I could see the calmer demeanor. So guess I did good telling him to take them and stepping back. It wasn't really progress on our marriage, but if I hadn't done that and let him leave, he would have been really mad and I don't want to provoke him into trying to get legal separation stuff and visitation type things going. I know if I can keep him coming and going from the house frequently without us fighting, that is better than nothing.

So after that I took the kids shopping for a few summer things they needed. When we got home, I texted him a picture of what we bought and had the kids call and tell him about everything and thank him for it all. I got on the phone after they were done and talked for a minute or so and told him a few things about the evening and that we had fun, but missed him. It was a good talk, but I know it was pursueing behavior. I'm trying to extend friendship though, and use the words of affirmation. He liked it.

And I texted him later and told him thank you from me for being there for us even though we were having problems and sorting everything out. I am truly grateful he is the type of guy he is. He hasn't changed a single thing financially, and keeps saying he won't until I am through school, in a new job, and we are ready together to do it. I control our joint account, and he has his check deposited right into it. We've set up a separate one for him and I give him a check for his expenses and he takes care of that account, but I know I could be in a much worse financial situation than we are in right now. Anyway, I was honest about what I told him and just wanted to make sure he knew I appreciated that and that our kids are lucky they are taken care of like they are. I felt like it was also good and I think it went a little ways towards further healing from Saturday afternoons debacle.

[2012sf]

I know tomorrow the kids are in school all day and I probably won't hear a peep out of him until afternoon when they get out. He will still avoid me for a bit. I have to truly keep not texting, pressuring, let him continue to have his space, and then make tomorrow evening a good time for us all. I've told myself I need to act like divorce isn't even on the table, quit asking questions that have to do with the relationship or the future, concentrate on the house and the projects I have going in it, and be positive, accepting, and a girl he wants to be around when I get the chance to be around him.

I am really coming to the realization this is real, it is very serious, he is going to actually go through with this unless I stay the course and stick with doing something different and not losing my mind and re-asking questions that I already know the answers to. I need to make positive progress and build on it, not just make positive progress and then mess it completely up, have to do repair work to get any of that back and then repeat the cycle over and over again. All I am doing is confirming in his mind that the changes aren't real and he won't want to come back to life here with all this craziness going on.

This is so hard. But I feel like I am seeing what I need to do. The hard part is doing it and sticking to it. And being lonely. I have lots of friends and family, but it just isn't the same as when you are with your husband and that connection. And it is so hard to see that decisive action in his face and feel the distance that he has put between us to shield from any work on the marriage. I can so see that he has truly signed out and he is here because he is a good Dad and he is responsible for us and he won't just leave us hanging. I am really hurting that I have lost him so much though. I need to stick to the divorce busting for a long time and let the positives build and try to break into the zone where he is letting his guard down with me more.

[heartbrokeinsd]

i know the feeling. always one more question. at least you are making it a couple days in between! i can't seem to do that anymore. there's so much going on and my mind is goin nuts. keep working at it. i heard somwhere if you do something for 14 days it becomes a habit. thats my goal. no R talk for 14 days. look at your small victories. a couple days is better than a couple minutes

[2012sf]

So far so good today. No real interactions, but at least no bad interactions. I have done good about doing my own thing and not stressing over him all day today too. Now it gets to the part where I know he will contact me at any point because the kids are almost out of school, so we'll see how that goes. I have a prenatal ultrasound in the morning too, and he always goes to those with me, so I know that will be in the agenda. I need to really have my A game on and I hope he is relaxed and not already stressed when I see him. I don't stand a chance when he is like that because then I know he will either initiate relationship talk which deteriorates fast, or he will leave quickly because he just isn't happy being around us. (me)
This daily emotional rollercoaster is rough.

I think I am seeing tinges of MLC behavior too, but it is hard to tell. And that scares me, because I know that will be a lot more to deal with and harder to get through than we just need to work out our issues. He hasn't done anything that blatantly falls into the MLC category for sure, because he has always been this type of personality that is a little all over the place, but he seems like some of the tendencies are there. I think I have really thrown him for a loop with how I responded to all of this. He told me Sunday he doesn't know how someone could have another person treat them like he has for the last 3 and a half months and still be trying to fix things. I just replied I truly loved him and walking away has never crossed my mind and I don't plan on entertaining that as an option. I have really done good with fixing a lot of the things he had complained about, my appearance is great. He actually told me he thought in about 2 months after I had the baby I would look like I did in high school, which was a huge compliment. I am trying hard to be a woman a guy would be crazy to walk away from, and I guess it is confusing him just enough to make things hard. And it makes him mad a little, I feel, because he had this all figured out and didn't expect at all for me to throw a wrench in things like I have. I just hope it is enough. I hope he holds out long enough to get a different perspective. He is so stubborn, for the lack of a better word, and I am afraid that he will bulldoze ahead and not even process everything until he has destroyed it all. I have no doubt in my head he will regret this. No doubt. But this day to day emotional rollercoaster is really hard to deal with.

[I-Care]

2012sf-- I am in your exact spot. Although I am male. Anyway. My goals are to be as gentle as possible let her contact me, and not be judgmental. Last week dialogue was good for us. I finally by the end said lets end conversations positively. I cannot give much advice. But patience and more patience seems to be an underlying point in the healing process. I also am attaching the More nuggets of wisdom http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=794106&page=1

It has several scenarios that may be useful to you. I have gone through numerous and cut and paste the points I think are similar to mine. When I feel as though I need some inspiration I look through that document and see that my goals are just fine and that patience is what is needed. I have 6 full pages of things to keep me from dwelling. This might help you.

[2012sf]

Journaling--He texted and came over after the kids got out of school as expected. I stayed busy and he wanted to take our son to play ball at the park. I said great and ran some errands I needed to run with my daughter and we met back up at a restaurant to all have dinner together. It was good, we had positive interactions, I just feel like I initiate most of the talk and he really doesn't volunteer much or loosen up much. He never asks anything about me or seems interested in me. I feel so invisible sometimes. It is hard to deal with, he is usually a very outgoing guy. I know it is being around me that is causing it. I'm not sure how else to keep it light and get the atmosphere to change though. He had to go to work, so he left from the restaurant and we'll probably text tonight to figure out a meeting time to go to the appointment in the morning.

Right now, I feel sad and upset. Even though it was all on the surface fine, it just feels so empty. I don't think I am talking too much or acting strange with him, I feel pretty normal, but he is definitely not able to relax and be normal with me around like I am hoping for. I hope it is still fall-out from Saturdays big mess-up and he is going to keep relaxing. I know it definitely has drilled into my head not to let Saturday happen again! These are getting harder to come back from, and I'm afraid he will really start not being around me at all if it keeps happening.

Tomorrow morning we will go to the prenatal appointment, and then tomorrow night it is family night at my son's school, so we were going to go to the book fair and then eat somewhere kid friendly with them before my husband goes to work again.

[2012sf]

Up this morning getting ready for the prenatal appointment and drive. I've been reading a lot of other people's situations and trying to find pieces to take out and apply to mine. It's hard finding one that seems to mirror the amount of contact we have with the way he is so set on divorce though. Anyone know of one that sounds familiar to mine?

I am trying to think of some light interesting conversation we can have on the way over. I feel like I just ask him about work, his stuff going on and don't have much to talk about on my side. Not that he really asks or seems to care a lot. We talk about the kids and joint things, but I know I need to appear more out there and like I am something different than just a housewife sitting around the house. I'm not, I have a lot of activity going on, it's just not very exciting stuff. Or something he would care about talking about. lol My biggest project right now is the nursery. Again, kid related, and he helps with moving stuff when I need it, but not really interesting to him to talk to me about.

I know a lot of this is his attitude when we are together. He has that wall up and it makes me uncomfortable. He is not that kind of guy normally. He is usually a big cut-up, talking, into whatever, and this formal guy that doesn't make eye contact as much and doesn't initiate any topics is just really throwing me for a loop. I'm starting to get scared that if I don't bridge that somehow, he is going to get worse and just say he doesn't want to be around me and wants to arrange kid drop off and thats that. Feeling pretty discouraged right now. And I know I'll have two times today to spend around him, so I need to get it together. A discouraged girl isn't going to be the kind of girl he is going to think about being around.

[scaredsilly]

patience, patience. i know periods of silence can be deafening but you don't have to fill the gaps. the more you do, the less he has to. i've found the more i try to fill the silence, the more i say things i should not.
just my two cents worth. good luck!