Not sure where to start, Part 2

[wishing, hoping]

Venting:

Okay the itinerary H sent me said he was supposed to fly home yesterday and be home last night. He still is not here and no calls no nothing. I have two children who are wondering where their daddy is. So either he itinerary changed and he never sent me the update or else he left the airport and drove two hours to see OW. I was hoping our discussion last week about him being around on the weekends to see the kids would have hit home more but I guess I was wrong.

H is surely sick as someone with cancer to avoid his own children to be with OW. The man I married would never have acted this way. I just feel so hopeless. I know it has nothing to do with me but again H clearly intends to miss another soccer game. I can detach easily when it comes to myself but I find it infuriating when he behaves this way with the kids.

[wishing, hoping]

So H is home now. He was here when I got home from S's soccer game. He told me about his trip to London and he seemed really excited to tell me the stories. I listened, didn't interrupt, asked questions and validated. He talked to me for quite some time. I gave him 100% of my focus.

He seemed tired so I left him to snuggle with the kids for a bit. I decided to take Leni's advice and make the home really homey and bake a chocolate cake. I am also making sausage so the house really smells good and comfy right now.

OW called him while I was making dinner. I could tell by his tone of voice and his hushed tones. He didn't talk to long. All I can think of now is "great. Now there is no reason to hide it so he can't flaunt it in my face." But I keep trying to remember to act "as if" and I am the real thing not the fantasy.

It is hard to know what is the line between validating and showing him I can be kind and gentle without pursuing. It's such a fine line. Any encouraging words are welcome!!!

[hopingandpraying]

You are doing a great job!!! I admire your strength and perseverance!

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks H&P. It's hard to hear him being tender and loving to her when not that long ago he was that way to me. Now it's all business most of the time. He just regards me as someone platonic. I don't know how to get him to see menin a romantic light again. It's quite defeating.

[hopingandpraying]

I wish I could help you there. I'm sure it is horrible to hear him talking to her like that. My heart would break if my H was being so open about it.

Don't feel defeated! Know in your heart that you are better than that fantasy that he is having! That's what I have to keep telling myself about my H and his gf. I know what the OW looks like and other things about her and I still can't understand how he is picking her over me and all we've been through, but I know in my heart and mind that I am better than her and he just likes the rush that he is feeling with her!

You are really doing a great job! Stay strong...maybe he'll come around and if not, you will be that much stronger. I don't like when people say that to me, but it is true!

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks again. I keep telling myself that I represent reality and that is what he is running from.

I just now noticed that he has moved his clothes into the spare bedroom. So I guess he will start sleeping in there now. That hurts. It hurts really bad. I don't know how I can ever get this back again. He is just so done. I am feeling so discouraged.

[BklynMom]

Trust me I know how bad it hurts. I know it hurts more than you could have ever imagined. Write a list of all the wonderful things in your life.
1. You have healthy beautiful kids.
2. You have a roof over your head
....

All the stories on these boards of R occur after numerous years. I did not want to hear that it could take a couple years when I first came here so I sent a date for myself. That I would "fake it, till I make it" until a certain date and after that date I would freak out on H and tell the a&& off. I keep pushing off that date. Maybe one day it will come but its not today.

I am glad to hear you have a coach. Keep calling they help your motivation a lot. Focus on yourself and your kids.

I used to be super cheap but now I spend money to make my life easier and to have hobbies. I have had someone clean our apartment every couple of weeks, which I never would have done before bomb but it makes my life easier. I spend money on yoga and guitar lessons. I even buy the fancy yoga gear they sell at the studio. Be good to yourself.

Get your hair done. Be the woman you always wanted to be. This other woman has nothing on you. Dont make her more important than she is.

[wishing, hoping]

You are right. How much can they possibly know about each other when they see each other on the weekends for a few months? That is what is attractive. They don't know each other. It just hurts how we were just so meant to be and now he is throwing it all away.

H did say he may regret his decision in a year. He can't really miss me because I am always here and I think when he looks at me he just feels guilt and shame. I guess I should start by making him feel comfortable around me and be friends. Maybe from being friends the spark will come back?

I need to call my coach and get more pointers.

[NLW]

H did say he may regret his decision in a year. He can't really miss me because I am always here and I think when he looks at me he just feels guilt and shame. I guess I should start by making him feel comfortable around me and be friends. Maybe from being friends the spark will come back?

I need to call my coach and get more pointers.

w&h,
Your last few posts are describing my H's patterns exactly, so I know how this hurts.

Substitute 'soccer' for 'football' on Sat and you have my H missing his son's game - he was literally across the road at another oval watching his 'teammates' play a Z -grade game in preference to watching his own boy.
Only goes to show they are suffering from a definable mental condition.

I know how you feel about the guilt and shame we evoke in our H's - it's such a problem. Why would they want to be around us when we just make them feel bad?
I wish I knew the answer; I'm hoping that time and consistent niceness will have some impact.
But, like you I am having worries about the fine line between acting 'as if' /validating/friendship and pursuing.

I'll keep watching your posts to see how things go for you - keep reporting and try to keep up all the good work you are doing.

These OWs are just a fantasy; time is on our side.

[wishing, hoping]

I know the OW is just a fantasy. But then I second guess myself and think that maybe he is in love with her. Maybe he wants to marry her. I am empowering her and I need to stop. I just can't understand it. The man I married would never have done this. He is truly sick. Truly messed up in the head. I just need to let him take his journey I guess. One of these days he is going to need a friend. His family sure won't be there for him. They never have been. OW has no idea what demons he has lurking and how many skeletons are in his closet. I know and I love him anyway.