My WAW - Chat/Text Msg affair with her ex

[Dan1977]

Hello long lost friends, well I'm back after two years. Let me give a quick summary since I've first posted on here. Feb '10 I found out my wife had contacted her ex on Facebook and had a full blown emotional affair with him, maybe more. It went on and off again for a few months, then it stopped for a while about May time frame. I was going to counseling, trying not to lose my job and basically reading Michelle's book and doing whatever possible to save my marriage. We went back to Jamaica where we got married to try and rekindle our marriage. Seemed great at the time, good recovery for a few months...then she contacted him again Oct/Nov '10 and the EA was back on again.

EA #2 went on for about a month, same old stuff, she didn't love me, wasn't in love with me etc...I basically told her I wasn't ready to go through all that stresss again and told her I wanted the kids half. This somewhat woke her up I guess and she went to the Dr and they diagnosed her with depression. She started taking Celexa and she was a different person. Our marriage perked right up, she seemed happy again and completely at ease with us. She was still sleeping on the couch going on 2 1/2 + years at this time Jan 2011, but our marriage seemed to be getting back on track. I changed jobs in May 2011 so we could live closer to her family in Indianapolis and it was a good step up in my career. For the most part, our marriage seemed pretty good I thought throughout 2011. My wife decided to change drugs bc she said the Celexa wasn't helping her anymore. One Friday in end of March 2012, my wife was really short with me on the phone, called me a liar about some rediculous conversation when I wasn't lying and took the kids without tell me when or where she was going like she used to years ago. It seemed eerily familar about the way she used to act. I got suspicious because of the way she acted so I checked to phone records while she was gone for the weekend. There was that damn number again, her ex she swore she would never contact again. After about 1-1/2 years of silence between the two, she kept her word to not contact him and our marriage seemed better, although not perfect it was improving.

I seen the texts and a conversation between them on Facebook and it was about them sneaking around so I couldn't catch them. I immediately told her I was done with everything because I told myself I will not go through that pain and heartache again. The first time around I basically lost my job, was in the hospital for abnormally high blood pressure for a guy my age and was just at the end of the road. This time around, I'm less affected emotionally, almost feel dead inside about it all. I told her she is no longer my wife and she is dead to me. We have had some pretty severe fights about the whole thing and she's trying as hard as she can to apologize about everything that happened. She said it was a mistake, but my question to her is what if I had not caught her, would she have taken it further into a full blown EA/PA again? My question to her is why is she only willing to work on our marriage so much now after the threat of divorce? She has not slept in our bed for almost 4 years now, just like her parents did. I'm not ok with it, I'm not ok with her picking and choosing when she wants to be married to me. I don't want to go through life not knowing if she is going to start having an affair on me again.

I have not filed for divorce yet, but we just sold our house because the whole plan was to move closer to her family, buy a nice new house for the family, but those plans are all completely wrecked now. I told her I'm not buying a house with her and I just don't know how I could ever ever trust her again and how she could even prove to me she's being completely honest. How would I ever for sure know? We have two wonderful kids and I love them to death, but this isn't a marriage. I haven't been to a lawyer, but I would really like to go through mediation instead. I don't want to get totally taken advantage of in child support because I make all the money, she hasn't had to work ever and now that I'm done with the cheating, I don't think it's right if I get the shaft.

I really love my kids and hate that this is going on. My wife says she doesn't know how to be a wife because of the way her parents were, but she says she will try as hard as possible and do whatever it takes to keep the family together. She wanted to go to couples counseling but I feel it will just be a finger pointing session about all the things I do wrong in her eyes. I have totally shot down all her attempts because of how much I can't handle the cheating.

I'm just really struggling with the fact that I won't get to have my kids as much, half at best if I'm lucky. That bothers me so bad, and in their eyes I'm leaving them. They won't understand and they are the reason I've stuck with my so called wife all these years. Now I've basically got a month to get out of my house, and don't have a place to live. My wife found an apartment she plans to move into at the end of the month. Does anyone know if I can buy a house while still married and she not get half of the house once divorce is final? Can some kind of written agreement be made, because I really don't want to have to move myself and kids into an apartment.

I wish my story had a happy ending, but I don't see how I can go through life with all this cheating. My wife swears up and down she's not cheating and this guy means nothing to her, but even if it's just an EA, she's going outside the marriage with someone she obviously has an attachment to or she wouldn't risk everything. She has basically conceded since I'm not trying to work on us this time and has accepted that it's over. She agreed to mediation and said she has an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and claims she doesn't want either of us to get taken advantage of. The lawyer will ask her how much 401k money I have, pension, salary etc and she could really take me to the cleaners if she wanted. That just doesn't seem right or fair. I've pursued a rewarding career, been fairly successful and tried to be the best husband and father I know how. She on the other hand stayed home for 8 years, and after me trying to support her numerous career paths, hasn't done anything of any significance other than lie, sneak around and cheat on me, not sleep in our bed for 4 years etc... That is why I want to pursue mediation, I won't screw her over and offered to pay all her debt off so she can basically start fresh.

This all has been very depressing and unless by some miracle something happens to turn this ship around, my marriage is done.