I guess I can be here now 2

[25yearsmlc]

May,

First, how are YOU doing today? Hope you are getting some rest, if not physically then at least taking a mental break.

In line with Ken's comments (and hopefully not redundantly)

about men and fatherhood, I wanted to add an observation...

I may have said this earlier, if so, I apologize.

But it must be odd for a guy to see a baby IN HIS bed with HIS wife, sometimes nursing very "intimately".

Most men are cognitively aware enough to know that feeling "jealousy" is too weird to admit, which adds another little weird dynamic.

The dad is also supposed to be PROUD and HAPPY about this joyous occasion...and oh, btw, no sex for 6 weeks, at a minimum. And your w is exhausted...if you are really lucky, only SHE will be that tired and cranky, but if not, you both will be...ENJOY!

Forgive me if this sounds like TMI, but I recall my h being VERY interested in watching me nurse our son. At first, He was moved by it, and that really touched me. BUT he also openly joked -- (with a big grain of truth to it, I'm sure)-- that he felt son was "hogging" me...and then I was a bit annoyed w/him but tried to see it from his POV. Yes it was an adjustment for him too.

Add to that (& what Ken was saying,)

and all the protective parts that go with being a man today, all the burdens, if you will, of being the hunter and gatherer and killer if need be, followed by the expectation that He can ALSO be the tender lover...

good grief, it must be just as confusing for them as it is for us.
I think A lot is expected of a man today.

***I saw a play that articulated this perfectly so if you win the lottery and have the time, etc...(maybe find the Cliff notes!)

The play is called "Big Love" (NO it's not the TV show and has nothing to do with the LDS or polygamy)

it's by Charles Mee...

Describes what it's like and how it FEELS to be a Man OR woman today...

May, See if you relate to any of this or can think of someone who would... I sure did, and so did my h

The mother to be character talked about how pulled she will feel(s) as a mom to be, but she deeply fears living the life of HER "victim" mother, too...

and she craves being a "modern happy fulfilled' woman" (like the commercials say we can be, all at the same time...)

While also being a sexy satisfied & satisfying lover, AND, like or not,

still feeling the maternal terror so many feel just before bringing a new life into our world and maybe losing our own, in some form...subordinating our needs to our child's, our children, our h's...losing ourselves...

I cried when I heard the actress saying this... I KNEW it had to be written by a woman. Alas, it was not.

Then the monologue of what it is to be a man, with those comments above--was acted out by my son. (Yes He's an actor).

The two men fought to the death in the play, and it was hard to watch...yet we expect men to kill or die for us when there's a noise in the night. Ever think of what a scary burden that must be on a man? I rarely do and that's something Inee to remind myself of...

In the play the battle ends in the death of one and then the victor IMMEDIATELY made passionate, TENDER love to his wife...and later, holds and nurtures the baby.

That's a LOT to expect of a man today...especially a new father and a young man. Your h isn't much older than my son, actually...(OMG I just aged myself big time)

So many of our roles conflict... Ironic, but in effect it was my SON, and the show he was in, that taught me more about men - and articulated how I felt as a woman, more than anyone or anything else I've experienced in a LONG time...

Go figure.


The OTHER thing I wanted to ask you was about your h's behavior. I recently attended a seminar on depression for my clients -

Point is, some of their patterns apply to us and our "real" lives.

So, what is your h saying his "position" is lately, towards the m, the baby and life? It's fine if you are not sure b/c his words vary, that's expected atm. HE isn't sure...

tough to make choices when some big ticket items are not known. But what I'm interested in is how his confusion and deep depression (and yours)

creates change in the dynamic and how often it does this. That's a lot of upheaval in one's life, chronically.

HOW often do his moods or stated emotions or "positions" change?

And, when he changes his position or emotionally changes, do his actions show it first OR his words? Can you tell?

When I reached puberty, I suddenly found myself waking up one day a month feeling REALLY down...I'd "look" around at my life and ALWAYS found a situational reason or cause for my unhappiness. Took me a few years (and overcoming my feminist resistance) to admit that I was affected by hormones.

I had to learn to recognize that and control it as best I can.. Same goes for adults who lack the insight into why they feel sad and it's harder for men in the sense that they cannot point to an overt hormonal condition.

At least your h knows he comes from people with a genetic predisposition to create upheaval and crisis in their lives...and to hold grudges. And he IS open to getting help, or he SAYS he is...

Even if his actions don't always follow I think at some level he does WANT to be better. That matters.

He sure sounds depressed and he sounds so confused too. I'd love to see HIM get some space to heal and feel and see what HE goes.

I'd love to see YOU get some space and healing time too.

You may be able to give that to yourself...do you see how?