My waw left mid march, I did every thing opposite of the 180 rule. She filed we now have attorneys. She felt neglected, that I didn't love her, or find her attractive. We have been together 22 years. She asked me to go to counseling a few years ago I didn't want to. I have been in counseling for 6 weeks on my own. A few things that are kinda strange. We married in 90 and divorced 2 years later. Stayed together after a brief split. Had 2 kids remarried the 17 years ago.
Whats weird is that she wants counseling after divorce, she wears her ring, wants our bed. Has recently been around the house not much but some. I gave her a kiss on cheek and touched hand and she didn't seem to like the closeness of the kiss once was good but the hand touching she seems to like,
I made her mad last Friday and when I saw her she wasn't wearing ring. Later I asked and she said you made me mad. I was confused cause she is divorcing me so I was puzzled by the fact she took it off for that.
One of the main rules I break is calling her. I have been trying not to. Yesterday my daughter stayed at waw apartment, I texted and said could I come get her and take her to school. She said yes, That was the first time I was allowed over there. I didnt go in but I was allowed to get her. Later I called to thank her for the gesture. I said it would be nice if by July we all could go to a pool and sit in lounge chairs.(that is something we have always done vacations etc..) Her response was that would be fantastic. I was very surprised by that. Later in conversation I said maybe in a few weeks we could split a dream dinners packe. (dream dinners is a place where you prepare several meals on stations and bag each meal. usually about 20) I said I would go and make it and her response was I'll go. I was again shocked. She has had limited interaction with me. I decided top buy the DB,DR books today and really focus on the 180 Today was the 1st time I did not call or text. about 11 am got a call and she asked how my night with our daughter was. I explained I made a nice meal she did some homework bla blah. But the deal is she asked. She has been so adamenet about her space and freedom and not wanting to share. I was again like hmm ok. Later at like 130 she texted and asked about the cat. She has been gone 6 weeks and that was the first time she spoke about cat.
Couple hours later she called and said she had her 1st mediation appointment and thought our divorce will be easier without spending to much, I wish she would stop everything and let us be a family but. weird. She'll do counseling after divorce. Its like she wants to shed the old divorce and ? She has been adament about us not being a couple. I know she is not seeing anyone. anyway folks thats my story..
Well I did not call her this morning. Again she contacted me about 11 am. We talked a bit, she left things on porch then told me she had. I think she is wearing her ring again and doesn't want me to see it. I saw her vehicle at the nail salon and told I had, "full disclosure" didn't want her to think I was spying. Anyway she said she hadn't told the gal she was divorcing. So that tells me she had ring on. I took the conversation to far and missed the signal to stop. It registered after words. Dang it. Now I know. Small steps. She is still very adamant about divorce. It's like a weight will be off her shoulders or something. I will be my own guy and her own person. She said she will call tomorrow. I said maybe next week we could have a light lunch. I expressed no need for answer today just to think about it. Maybe was the answer
I wish the moderators would move this post to newcomers I might get more feedback. Thanks
yesterday was good. We had a couple conversations. I noticed in our second talk it was going poorly and she about done. The Q to pull back was there and I said I did not want to leave the talk on a negative She said me either. I asked about something personal and she responded. Then I said have a nice weekend. Very genuinely and she said softly thanks. She is sharing more with me and I told her I appreciate. That I know her freedom is important that sharing really means allot. I said I would respect her time this weekend with girl freinds and not call or text. This is a test to see if I can. Maybe a lunch is in my future. I know she is enjoying my talks. I need to keep them breif. And genuine. I did hire a coach. my goals. Listen for the Q and respond accurately, wait for her to contact me, be available always. The coach seemed to think what ever I am doing is working because of the changes. I need allot of patience. And then some more patience. This is going to be a long haul.
I wanted to add that I am a big picture guy. I can see the future and say lets hit these marks. I have had great sucess with that. My W is the day to day person. I am not as good at the day to day stuff. That is the main reason I am on here. I have been staying very busy not trying to dwell. But you all know the deal. Its not easy.
She is asking for SPACE, give it to her. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
I am at day three no contact. I have two more. I am curious if she will contact me or ? She really is not a game player. I know she is having a great time. With her friends. This week of work will be short for her. She should be in good spirits. I have to quit stressing and thinking. I have been busy but shoot it's hard. I suspect she will play a little hard to get, to see if I bother her. She knows I want lunch and may see how bad I do. Meaning I wanted it Wednesday or Thursday. She may want to see if I can keep up the no contact. It is getting easier. This is going to be a long journey. Patience, work hard on myself, get a life.
I know she is missing me. I also know she is hurt. I will let her come to me. I need to be real gentle, and keep talks simple and short in duration.
Well I met my new CPA today. My waw gets the old one. She is a bit older and wanted to know why I was there. I am surprised at how candid I was with her. In the end I told her my goals are to be the best friend to my W and not to expect anything other than that. She said you will be surprised if you can keep that up. I could tell she was talking from a previous hurt spot. I asked if she divorced, Yes was the answer. My goal: to be gentle and non judgmental, to be extra kind with her hurt feelings. When she is ready she will start her own process. And to be the best me that I can, All will fall in line if I stay positive and strong>
Well I made it all through weekend of no contact. Talked today. Unfortunately I had a complete breakdown. So much for patience! I did have a heart to heart, and she came over, I had a gift I wasnt sure I was going to give but since I cried I figured what the heck. First time I was aloud a kiss on lips. Man that was great. A simple kiss but she did it. Back to my goals tomorrow, I do suppose being genuine is one of my goals because it does seem to have an effect. Just not so often.
