Somehow I keep gravitating to this thread. Like the term "reconciliation," I guess.
My H has not moved home. I don't want that yet. But we're getting closer as friends, and that's a big relief.
I'm giving myself permission to see what kind of R I want with this guy.
He's not able to LISTEN to me, to hear anything heartfelt from me, but he is being nicer and more supportive in general.
That's cool. Not the connection I want, but satisfying, after all our grief.
So we'll just see if he gets to be my main man again.
The real drag is that I whenever I'm with my H intimately, I imagine he's judging my comeliness, sexiness (and guitar skills) with a hyper-critical eye.
In his vicinity I can re-experience PANIC and PAIN so easily. He is still clueless about hurting my feelings.
So I still have to TURN AWAY FROM a lot of his remarks. Maybe they're just offhand. Maybe it's good he feels free enough to share things with me. I try to FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE and on my own magic and my own dreams.
But his years of combing the world for lusty babes took its toll on my trust. His lies. Should we leave them buried?
I'm feeling pretty chilly toward him, sexually.
I don't see him seeing ME as a goddess.
That's fine -- as long as we're just PALS.
But I've got to eventually FORGIVE him and LET GO and GO FORWARD, if we are working toward intimate partnership.
Thing is, there are some things he must do if he wants to be my lover.
What do I do with that?
I can't be demanding. I can't accuse or pout. I can't punish him for the past.
I am no longer depleted -- I've filled up my life.
But I am not "filled up" by my H. So it feels stale with him, and is beginning to be TOO BIG A CHORE to put my authentically sensitive, loving, vulnerable self ON ICE all the time so he can be comfortable.
We'll just see what happens.
I appreciate this forum. It helps me with my discipline.
