DBing while settling finances

[needgrace]

Thanks for dropping in HIW. How are you deciding to handle it? ((( ))))

[Valeska19]

Your thoughts? I guess I am confused Cadet as to what I would be accomplishing by not being cooperative.

There is a difference between being cooperative and doing HER work.

Forgive me NG, but I can't remember if you are legally married.

IF SO, then SHE can get all the answers to anything she needs.

Maybe she should have thought about getting her ducks a little more in a row BEFORE SHE LEFT.

I know it seems cold, but Cadet is right... she needs to grow up on her own. She needs to do this alone.

She wants you to help her as her spouse....

.... but she chose to leave.

I don't think there has been a single case of a WAS NOT cake-eating slightly.


You need to stop that.

... And as hard as it may feel... allowing her to feel what it is to TRULY be on her own (both good and bad) is the loving thing to do..

..for both of you.

((( )))

[needgrace]

Thank you, Val.

As always, you give me a lot to think about. We are legally married, which is sad, because if we D and things change later, we can not currently get married again in California. (although, to be honest, this brutal D and settlement process has made me wonder about marrying ever again.. )

From the questions W asked, I think she is trying to file in the state she is in now, which has a 6 months residency requirement to file (she has only lived there 2 weeks!) and at present, I don't think it allows gay and lesbian couples married in other states to D. I'm assuming that I let her figure that out on her own?

Any advice on how I tell her that I am not helping?

[Valeska19]

Well there are lots of ways to go about it.

One - you can ignore her.

Two - You can email her and say that you are really busy so if she needs to get the info, she needs to find another way.

Three - This seems to be a popular response on the board.

"W - I accept that you want this D. I do not. I will not stop you in filing, but I will not aide you in anyway during this process".

Yes - You're wife will most likely get angry and ANY of those responses.

Get used to it. She is all about her... anything that is not about her will upset her.

Also - Give yourself time to process everything. Start initiating the 48 hr rule to all responses.

((( )))

[needgrace]

Thank you Val and Cadet.

You make a lot of sense. Thank you for helping me get it.

I need to let her feel what it is like to be on her own.

I will use #3.

btw, I just picked up a book on codependency at the library.. thanks for the lesson today

[Cadet]

Yes I agree with Val, she did a better job of explaining it to you.

NG this is hard stuff, it makes no sense.
That is why DB works.
It is counterintuitive and not what most people would choose to do in most normal relationships.

You are no longer in a normal relationship.
So you can no longer think that way.
Sorry, but she is now the enenmy.
That is why you need to detach.
It is hard to think of someone you love so much as being the enenmy, but it can be done.

You take your love, pack it up and put it away.
Then maybe in the future you can take it out and look at it again.
Not right now.

Oh library is a great place!
Find out about interlibrary loans.
You can get every book you need to read for free.

I can also suggest Susan B Anderson, A Journey from abandonment to healing. There is also a link for a website for this book for inner child test, but you will need to find it yourself. Try google.

[needgrace]

Thanks again Cadet and Val for all your wisdom and support.

The other concern I thought of last night was the financial settlement, which we agreed to via email (nothing signed.)

If W gets angry with me about not providing her with the information (my drivers license, my place of birth, and mortgage info) do I take the risk of her reopening the settlement and asking for more?

(I am in a much better financial position than she is due to investments, etc which I had pre-marriage, which should be separate property, but I would rather not re-open that conversation)

Thank you.

[Kimmerz]

Hi Grace!

Thanks for posting on my thread! Im glad to know that some things that I've posted has helped you. It helps to read others posts. I know it does me.

So I've just read through yours, and it's helped me. Your WAW sounds like my WAH. And yes we LBS go through a PTSD of sorts. It's horrible, and I feel for you! I know, I really know how it is.

I agree with Val and Cadet. Time to set boundaries and stick to them. Warning: This is when they get really pissy! Especially if you've been rather accomodating through the relationship... like I always was. This is a good 180 because you need to stand firm and not allow the cake eating. Now that a year has passed for me post bomb, I can look back at my boundary setting and find it comical. I wanted to choke XH at the time, but Im telling you it's funny.

Remember this, which is the hardest part. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU... IT'S ALL ABOUT HER RIGHT NOW. It's so hard to remember this as they point the finger at you and all your faults, at the same time take up with another person. Dealing with the rejection is so hard.

[needgrace]

Thank you, Kimmerz, for stopping in and for looking into my sitch. I appreciate your input and am planning on letting my W know that I will not help her with the D.

I expect that my W will get mad but I also know that it is a boundary that I need to set for me.

She has made all the decisions the last few months... to not go to therapy, to separate, to not talk about things, to start a new relationship, to move out of state, to file... with no concern about how I might feel or how any of it impacts me.

and yet, I was willing to go against that which I believe in, our M, to not upset her.

yes, you all are right, i need to 180.

it gets confusing though, when to act "as if" I am fine no matter what and when to stand up for the M.

recently, she told me that she advised a friend to go to therapy with her husband...

wth...why did she not go to therapy for our M then?!?!?!

she admits that we both reacted too much once the sitch started... and that pushed things further and further along...and yet she won't even slow it down...to stop and think for a minute.

she barrels ahead with the OW and D.

why the apparent CONTRADICTIONS? is that MLC?

[Valeska19]

WAS contradict themselves. They are on the own emotional rollercoaster as well.

It's always easier to give advice then to take it.

And best not to mind read either. Trust me.. it will drive you crazy.

When it comes to acting as if.. vs.. standing up for your marriage. It is not a "one of the other" deal.

You can totally do both.

Standing up for your marriage shows strength.

Not allowing this pain to paralyze your growth and happiness is showing strength.

And being a strong, confident woman is very attractive.