Hoping my marriage can be saved :(

[Maggie3]

Journaling

I literally feel like I am going to have a heart attack with all the anxiety I am having today. I don't know why I am so anxious the last 2 days.

H is at our house doing yard work and I am at my part time job. I slept at a friend's house last night so he could go to our house early this morning without us seeing each other. I left the house in a rush last night- but before I left I remembered to grab all of my self help books and DB/DR and bring them in my car so my H wouldn't see them (after I saw a post where someone mentioned their H finding them).

I really miss doing yard work on weekends with my H. I find it funny the things I miss with him not around. I can't say I loved doing yard work in the past, so I wonder why it is one of the things I really miss. Maybe because I enjoyed being active with him. I also really wanted to plant a garden this year. Last year we did veggies in pots. I don't feel like I could plant a garden alone (H has the green thumb, not me) and I also wonder if it is a good idea since we will need to sell our house if we do D.

I went out with friends last night. Some knew what is going on, some didn't and some I could tell knew but didn't ask (especially since they asked me tons of questions but none about my H and nobody mentioned his name or the fact he wasn't there once). One of my friends and his wife are newly pregnant. I'm very happy for them but I also felt so jealous I hate feeling jealous when I should only feel happy for them.

The other day I was thinking I didn't want to do MC with my H if he only wanted me to find closure. Today I think I DO want to do it regardless, otherwise how will he see any of my 180s? Plus hopefully it will slow down any proceedings towards a D. Wish I had a crystal ball....