I'm wondering if the dose of 5HTP that I took for depression is where the boost of energy came from. I need to read more about it and the reactions/side effects. As usual, I only slept for about four hours. This is so frustrating. Abandonment definitely causes PTSD.
Kimmerz, thanks for your thoughts on GAL. I tried yesterday to find a new activity through "Meetups" and after awhile I just started sobbing. I'm not ready. When I started looking in the "single parent" and "separated/divorced" categories it hit me that what I went through in my 20's I will be doing again at some point if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I so don't want to do that. When my H and I started dating and became serious I was so glad to be out of the dating scene and never wanted to go back. Now here I am at a time (age/circumstances) when that is least appealing. I will start incorporating activities that I was already doing (league golf and tennis) before BD. I started running again several months ago, but not consistently. I'm short on time and energy.
My H has been a little different than many MLCers. When I had a total breakdown on the phone with him on Friday he explained some things that I wanted clarification on and then said he wanted to get off the phone before his weekend is ruined. He doesn't like to hear or see me upset. He said this process has been really hard on him too. When I made the big mistake of ending with "I love you" he said I can't tell you what you want to hear right now. I told him that I wasn't wanting or expecting anything in return. What's the "right now" about? I sense that he really wants to continue exploring single life for awhile and doesn't want to deal with any guilt or interference from me. He does seem to care about my feelings. On some level he remembers that I am a good person and didn't deserve this, so it makes me wonder if all of this is about getting older and running out of time to see what's out there under the guise of my faults drove him away. Any thoughts on all of this? I know he needs space and I must give this to him. I must let him explore even though that evolves other women. It hurts a ton, but when i start thinking about it i immediately say somthing to myself to remember who I am. No one can take my place. If my H wants somebody different there is nothing I can do about that and it doesn't mean that something is wrong with me. The mantras that I wrote last night are posted and I will read them every day. One is "Change = Hope; Do the opposite of what comes naturally [when dealing with H]. Any suggestions? Now I will work on affirmations.
I will start chapter 2 of this thread later today.
