The Climb - Thread #6

[25yearsmlc]

Just to clarify he has to be tougher with her, I don't think me and Starsky disagree on that.

I just think there's a very important distinction between tough and rough.

I'm failing to see it, and that wasn't even the point I was trying to make. I'm trying to get him to not project NEEDINESS, and to do the ol' emotional jui-jitsu on her and take away her ability to use the threat of divorce as leverage on him all the time. "I agree with you, this isn't working for me either" is almost always a great play. It validates HER feelings, while letting her know he's not willing to just sit there and be "Plan B" anymore.


Starsky

I fully agree with Starsky;s post here^^^. GB, hey, this might just be semantics you are insisting upon- but the distinction between "rough and tough" is quite lost on me in this context. ALSO

I don't know if what You and your w have, is what Navy wants in his m b/c, for one thing He and she have kids, so some of your life style would be more difficult logistically, AND perhaps morally ** as a parent, not judging you as fellow adults--(but I do maintain you play w/fire, and will get burned more than you already have), but that aspect of OPs in the marriage of yours is not a topic for this place and if I recall right, you are NOT open to changing that anyhow...)

Back to this situation--GB, You know there are those other dynamics to your m that would not fit theirs or what he's said HE wants...

so, we all have to be mindful of over projecting our lives/visions into others'...and don't think I haven't done it too...I have too.

I guess what there IS agreement on, is that Navy must be stronger with her and in that regard,

I specifically mean for you Navy, to show her that you will be fine with or without her. Plan on nights out, then go on them...without inviting her...

DB says you can offer/invite with no expectations - but at this point I would not mention her coming UNLESS she asked, and then seem perplexed...


Let's get real...
You've wanted to show her your changes, and your deep abiding love for her, the past 3 years. I get that. I think you've done that. I commend you for it.

Sure, You can remind her of it if you feel it still bears repeating-but make sure you remind her of your efforts and that you HAVE PROVED it (and any open hearted woman or reasonable person would know this by now).

But to me, the main thing she has to realize, which she does NOT yet know,

is that you are a fine, lovable/loving man who deserves better treatment--

AND that you WILL GET BETTER TREATMENT

whether from her or someone else, b/c Navy, there are women out there who want to love and be loved.

I'm so sorry to say this but,

Evidently, Your w is NOT one of them, (when it comes to YOU), at least for now...and what's worse, is that she shows no signs of wanting to love or be loved by you.


Maybe you won't find someone OR recon with her...That's fine too, b/c the

one thing for sure that is worse than being alone....is wishing you were.


Seems to me the removal of an actively negative woman from your life, would be an improvement and you'd be happier. And that's the realistic worst case scenario for you.

Your "loss" would be that of hope. And I know that hurts but seems to me you really do overlook the possibility of having MORE HOPE W/HER.... by

dropping the rope,

than by still banging your head against the wall "trying" to please the unpleasable.

ISn't it clear by now she does NOT WANT to be happy AND OR does not know how?

And that's NOT your fault - but she wants it to be...(God I hope you attend that EE workshop...I cannot exaggerate it's influence on me and my life. My senior rater had a blast asking me about it...long story but a fun happy one...)

But then you can open your eyes to the wonderful person you are and the life you COULD create, possibly with HER...

I attended it decades ago, to address the issues I had from my screwy childhood and not wanting it to affect my marriage or my work (mostly career issues at the time, but I can see how it might spill over or block my happiness and THAT stinks for everyone )

ANYHOW, when I returned, h picked me up at the airport& he said he noticed an INSTANT change in my demeanor. That I looked "so serene" to him...weeks later, I had maintained the growth and processed it more and it deepened as I finally let some important lessons sink in....

h is NOT the workshop type of guy but dang it, HE went 3 months after me. He wanted "in" on it. When he returned from it (Which he attended without me, btw)...he said I'd given him the "Best gift [he'd] ever gotten"...and later on, we went together. It bonded us more deeply than anything else, except having children. It was THAT profound...but she stay stuck forever. POint is at least you won't be and you can get some clarity about your life path.

You're not here on Earth to suffer or pay for someone elses debts. Life is a gift. Enjoy it my friend.

In sum, Navy, I believe with all my heart that

Your w won't change without a dramatic intervention of some sort, (or an affair on either side) or something substantially big on your end.

So, if that's true, What are YOU going to do?

OR will you keep waiting for "it" to happen?

Remember, she's content (well, she's NOT "content" but I mean she's willing)

to live like this til the kids leave the house OR longer...OR til you get so fed up that you leave OR

until you have an affair she caused but she can then validate her long suffering beliefs that SHE is the victim and YOU are the victimizer...


Navy, do you believe, down deep, that you are a man another woman could love?

Did you date much before w?

I know you are in good shape, and I uniforms flatter all men...but are you --attractive? You clearly are smart and into being a dad. Those are very attractive traits...so
So, what is up with this insecurity of yours that I sense? Is it just fear of the unknown of bad past experiences? IF it's the latter, maybe you dated other high maintenance or nasty or unhealthy women..

in which case you can learn Not to do that again...

She's not the only one affected by childhood events for God's sake. Well I'm rambling now but I hope you

Keep us posted buddy. And hang in there, things WILL get better for you.

How are those children of yours?