Kimmerz, you described exactly what I go through on a daily basis. One minute I'm reading posts on this thread and I'm reminded that this is not all my fault and the outcome is out of my control. The next minute I feel terribly guilty for reasons I always state (should have gone back to work, been less controlling). I feel like I killed my marriage and my H's love for me. Now he's dating and showing other women the attention that I am so desperate for. This pain is unbearable. I want to take action, because that is my nature. I am praying for patience and asking God to work on me and my H. With growth I feel certain we can have the marriage of our dreams. I've made big changes with the biggest being my new job. My H doesn't believe the changes will last. This is where I just have to trust in God to give me opportunities to demonstrate to my H that I am different and I continue to work on being the best that I can be. I will no longer point this out to my H or look for ways to show him (contolling and manipulative). If the changes in me are now a permanent part of who I am then it will become clear to him, naturally, during any future interactions we have. Gradually, I hope that he will trust these changes and believe that I made them to better myself and not to get him back. Until he trusts me he will not believe that he can be happy if he comes back home. Even then it may be too late. My H knows and has said that I am a great person and a great mom. He could never accuse me of neglecting our family or home. He knows that I am loyal, faithful, honest, etc. I take care of myself and am athletic. My H also knows that I love him and that he can trust that love to be unwavering. Someone new might be younger and exciting, but what I have given to my H and my marriage all of these years is so much more than that. However, if my H is really looking to unburden himself from family life there is nothing I can do about that. Maybe he will be happier or maybe he won't. I just know that no matter what I am going to continue to be the person that I've always been, with improvements of course, and that I am someone he can trust with his heart.
