Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

[Valeska19]

I deeply respect your honesty. So tell me WHY it is so important to express to her your desire to have as little time together as possible...think hard on it my friend...

I have written and rewritten my response many times 25. The first came off like a novella, the 2nd time I sounded like I was complaining. Neither sounded very attractive.

Thank you for helping me realize I am angry... and that it is my anger that is fueling this desire to tell her.

And although I don't want the anger to consume me, I can't deny that it is there and will be for awhile.

It bothers me that the dynamic of my marriage was an unhealthy one. That it is because of the abuser/enabler duo that I can't be myself with her.

I know that I am to blame as much as her for creating this dynamic.. so it is my place to change it... but this whole new way of being dark and keeping things businesslike feels unnatural.

It's not how I treat loved ones. He!! it's not even how I treat strangers or people I dislike.

However it is what it needs to be now until I get healthy. I.. intellectually get it..and know that it is right and needs to happen... but my heart doesn't understand because it's always so willing to love.

And even though she has hurt me more than words can express... I still love her. And should God give us another chance one day... I know I could forgive her.

I know this because I want to forgive her now. I know this because when someone calls me out on my actions like you did in regards to the taxes, I look at myself and say:

1) That is not the Val I want to be
2) That is not how I want to treat my w

It's been a rough year but I feel I have grown. I rarely have any problems owning my half of my marital problems.. but sometimes... i just wish she would own her part.

I get it.. it's over. We're moving on.. but seriously.. she treated me poorly in alot of ways.

Ways that are still similar to this day.

And instead of that fueling my fire to say "Man.. I am SOO thankful I don't have x anymore or y fear"...

... I revert back to somehow blaming myself or expecting myself to change....

... or being mad at myself that I'm NOT better yet.

instead of just ACCEPTING it.

Accepting the fact that my w won't treat me with the same respect that I treat her. That she won't get past herself to think of me.

I get that we all have feelings that motivate our actions.. but I live by a moral code that we should always check our hearts and be accountable for them as well.

I live the DB life. I try to live the Christian life.

And I do my best not to fault my w or keep a score card because there are days I fall short....

.... honestly I get tired from time to time.

Some days it's hard to constantly look at myself.

so while I TRY to accept that my w also may have those difficulties.. some days it's hard to not have expectations of her.. because even though she says she feels she tries to handle this as best she can. I still feel like overall.. she is the same person.

And I am not..

If I have gained anything in the past year.. it has been self confidence and self worth.

I have surrounded myself with people who respect my feelings. They may not like me all the time, but they respect me.

My wife does not.

And honestly.. I wish she did. I wish she respected me enough to apologize. Not for the divorce, but for all the times she put me down, made fun of me, told me I wasn't good enough, gave me the silent treatment, punished me for being a "lipstick lesbian" and the list goes on and on.

But I can't make her. Only God can change her heart.

So whether it is because I am angry, or because I want her to change that fuels this desire... I will keep my thoughts to myself.

And I will have faith that IF I am ever to receive that apology from her... it will not be on MY terms.

It will be on GOD's terms. And only he will know when my heart is open to receive it. Only he will know when I have truly forgiven.

I need to continue to hand this over to him.

Thanks 25.. for helping me to remember that.

And yes.. I plan on GALing the Sh!t out of my summer...

... and that CAN INCLUDE slapping DueInMays husband around.