Soooo, it's been quite a while since I posted last. I was hoping I could get some feedback on something. I don't know how many here will remember my particular situation. Long story short, My wife is Chinese. She became a US Citizen about 6 or 7 years ago. We have two children - a boy now 12, and a daughter now 4-1/2. During/After a family trip to China to visit her parents in Summer, 2009 she 're-connected' with an ex-boyfriend (still in China) who we ran into as part of a group dinner with some of her old high school friends who we met maybe 2 days before we came back to the US. The EA started in July/August '09. I discovered excessive phone bills, e-mails of them proclaiming themselves "soul mates", sexual e-mails, plans to leave their spouses (and children) so they could "be" together, and the list goes on...
She moved out in February, 2010 to an apartment a mile away from our home and wanted to take both kids with her. I didn't want her to take neither child, my son refused to go with her, and I eventually capitulated and stopped fighting her intent to take our daughter with her (which she did). In summer, 2010 she went to China with our daughter - ostensibly to see her parents. I was fearful she might not come back, but she did, so I remained hopeful that she'd come out of her 'spell', but she eventually filed for divorce in September, 2011.
A part of me is torn because I still keep hope that things could somehow miraculously turn around for the better. Another part of me accepts the reality of the situation. The rest of me is still somewhat confused that she would do something like this (to me...to our kids as well, but especially to our son for various reasons)
What I am hoping for feedback on is this:
My wife and daughter just returned from another three week trip to China. These days I don't stress or get all paranoid about the ex-boyfriend because...well...it is what it is... The only thing I truly care about at this point is keeping my kids as stable as possible. However, a conversation with my daughter today gave me serious pause about the whole thing.
We were having a casual conversation today (however one defines 'casual' for a 40 year old dad talking to his 4-year old daughter.) Anyhow, without prompting, my daughter starts talking about staying with her grandparents in China. So, I asked her some random questions, and she gave me some random answers. At one point she mentions how she, my wife, and my wife's parents all slept at "JiuJiu's House". "JiuJiu" is Chinese for uncle (i.e. my wife's brother) So, I asked her a couple of questions about it and then she randomly says, "Me and my mommy sleep at ShuShu's house too. Not YeYe and NaiNai...only me and my mommy!"
"ShuShu" is Chinese for brother, and "YeYe/NaiNai" mean grandma/grandpa.
I thought she had just mixed up 'Uncle' with 'Brother', and that she was referring to my wife's brother (her uncle), but just used the wrong word. However, when I probed, she was very insistent that "Noooo!!! ShuShu's house!! Not JiuJiu's house!!" At that point I became somewhat suspicious, but didn't want to bother her so I just let it go.
This evening we were at home together (Just me and my two kids. My wife is still in the apartment, and was there sleeping cause of jet lag from the trip). Before she moved out, and was constantly talking to the guy in China, there was a period where I installed network monitoring software on our WiFi network and had snooped through many, many e-mails between my wife and the ex-boyfriend. I saved a bunch of the e-mails, including a picture of the guy as well.
In any case, I decided to [casually] show my daughter some old family pictures from past China trips on my laptop, and interspersed the one picture of the guy in there as well. When I got to my wife's brother's picture I simply pointed to the picture and casually asked my daughter:
Me: "Oh. Who is that guy?"
Daughter: "That's "JiuJiu!".
I scanned through a bunch more pictures, got to the ex-boyfriend's pic, and casually ask:
Me: "Who is this guy?"
Daughter (pauses for a moment): "That's ShuShu!"
Me: "Ohhh. How many times did you and mommy and YeYe/NaiNai (grandma/grandpa) sleep at JiuJiu's (Uncle's) house?"
Daughter: "Lot's of them!!"
Me: "Really? How many times did you and mommy and YeYe/NaiNai sleep at ShuShu's house then??"
Daughter: "Noooo! NOT YeYe and NaiNai!! Only me and my mommy sleep at ShuShu's house!!"
Me: "Okay, okay. Sorry! How many times did you and mommy sleep at ShuShu's house then?"
Daughter (matter-of-factly and without hesitation): "Just one time."
My [hopefully obvious] question is this:
Assuming what my daughter said is factual (pictures don't lie right?) what in God's name would my wife be accomplishing by taking our daughter to sleep over at the guy's house?!?!
Dude had his own family, and has two kids of his own.
To me, it is irrational (and damaging to our daughter] to expose her to the ex-boyfriend in this manner. I don’t think culture can explain this one away. What kind of reasonable [still married] woman would think, “Okay daughter, while we’re in China for the next couple of weeks, you and I (and no one else) are going to spend the night at “ShuShu’s house.” How could she think that's a reasonable thing to do?
What kind of behavior is my wife modeling by doing this to our daughter? How is a 4-year old girl supposed to process this information/experience? How is she supposed to know the difference between right and wrong when her mom takes her to spend the night at some guy’s house who my daughter has never met before…all the way on the other side of the world in China, who she has simply been told is her “ShuShu. What does a little girl do with that kind of experience when it happens to her when she is only 4-years old???
If my wife was that determined to spend the night with the guy she should have left my daughter at home with her grandparents (my wife’s parents). It's as simple as that.
It's one thing to get divorced and then introduce my daughter to the guy.
It's altogether immoral and irrational (any way you slice it) to take her half way across the world to spend the night at some strange guy's house...who just happened to be my wife's affair partner...who also just happens to have two kids of his own...instead of simply leaving her at home with her own grandparents.
