"Touchy Stuff" might just need a posting all it's own....
How to handle the touchy areas.
So many of us struggle with this....
When and HOW seem to take on more importance.(wording, tone, attitude, Gosh right down to the setting we are in!) to say things, when to approach a subject. IF we should even bring it up at all as in "Picking your battles".
I too, use the slight "procrastination method", JJ. Put off talking about things a bit if it seems too hot of an arena..but I think for me that is just plain avoidance....a lack of confidence.
Your comment about: A little talk can go along way.... we underestimate this. Planting seeds.......instead of full frontal assault. They really do hear so much more than we ever give credit to, we really need to stop underestimating our spouses.
They might just need TIME to assimilate all the stuff we are saying, that's why we don't get a thought out response
Why DO WE expect them to come up with immediate answers just because we want them? Do you ever get put on the spot like that?...Having to come up with the "perfect" response for someone else? I bet it left you feeling a bit resentful!
We need to consider them inrealtion to OUR expectations...no one is here on this earth soley to provide for OUR expectations....why do we expect SOOOO much frok our spouses????
Somewhere I read, that when faced with an issue that you want your spouse to be sensitive to YOU on, ask the question in the following way:
"If YOU were ME.........is there anything I should be concerned about?"
It's called "empathetic response." It rather forces them to put themselves in your shoes.
Now they may not answer....in fact they most likely WON'T! Because this causes them to have to ACTUALLY think. Not react, but think, and think from OUR standpopint, not their own.
This is something they in all likelyhood have not done much of if any at all!! But it WILL get them to thinking.
NOW, you MUST be careful to not use this very much at all..otherwise it loses it impact and they end up being resentful that you want them to do your thinking for you.
(Can you imagine if you were always asking, "What do YOU think?" how irritated they would get!!!!)
I also find that I avoid touchy area's. This is a "more of the same" response for me and I absolutely loathe myself for doing it. I feel I must be the queen of avoidance.
Even my spouse has noticed and commented that when there is something I want to avoid....my voice drops to an inaudible level, my words run together and he says I sound almost childlike! He would actually prefer that I come out with a clear tone and more direct tone!!!! Shockers, Huh!!
They don't always want us to be meek and mild. Stand up for yourself in a non threatening kind of way.
We all need to really examine what we do to avoid those touchy area....and more importantly the reasoning behind our avoidance.
If it is fear.........
MUST we overcome the fear?
Are we afraid of the response? Of hearing something we don't want to know? Or not knowing how to respond back? Fear of doing the "wrong" thing? Making our spouse feel something? Their reaction?
What good are we to ourselves or to our loved one if we are not honest with ourselves about what we are truely feeling and then measuring that against what we want...the goal we are trying to acheive?
Instead of looking to measure our responses based on our loved one....let us measure ourselves.
Ask yourself,you, the person who knows inside of you: What do you want?
Clarity? comfort? control? certainty? reassurance? security? an expression of love? guilt? rejection? reprimands? punishment?....What EXACTLT are we looking to elicit by our comments????
Look at THAT first and then ask yourself if trying to discuss a "touchy subject" is what YOU want to do.
You might just find that you really don't want what you thought you did....or you can find another way to get it!
