I don't want to pry, but has H actually given you an explanation AT ALL of why he suddenly disappeared from your life and then just as suddenly reappeared?? So there was no OW, no old GF, no sex... so what - he took a mystery vacation?
I don't know if insisteing on SOME kind of reason, now or at any later stage, is the recommended route. Maybe you should just proceed on the assumption that he has had some kind of A (EA, PA, whatever), and start with dbing your butt off, as if? Anyone?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Sorry for disappearing, I guess I needed to lick my wounds, and face my fears!
But one thing I did realize...at least for me right now...staying off the bb is not good...I end up feeling further alienated...
I really need some support.
JJ....
I'm not hearing how others are handling the problem with the double edged sword... any takers??
Livinlearn and Dragonflie: Next issue.....My H did an abrupt dissappearing act on August 12 and did not resurface until November 9-13 when in a very unexpected turn of events he wanted to spend a fourteen hour day with me that then turned into a weekend!
There was emotional, spiritual and physical reconnection at that time....
I had written several letters immediately before this happened and thought that my expresssion of my understanding of what he had been going through was what prompted his reappearance and there was a revealing in the hotel room, that weekend, that he had indeed been an emotional wreck, he was in counceling, he loved me and he definitely was planning on our future together. Also a statement was made that there had been no one else (PA) during his abscence and I believed him. So to answer your question ...Yes, other people's spouses have done like yours and just up and left.
BUT....
I haven't gotten any further, DIRECT explanation of what he was thinking during that time and I find this to be a bit tough to deal with.
I know there was a lot of guilt about losing his job, there was uncertainty about our finances, the kids, the house, about lawsuits that were in the offing and also in the mix are his long term health issues, he's really not liking middle age...he hates the wrinkles, the grey hair, the breakdown of his physical abilities that he always prided himself on, the decline of his relationships with his children.....I just have had to be patient and hope that at some point he will open up even more...but I'm beginning to think he doesn't believe he owes me an explaination for that time, almost like he thinks I already know! or that there doesn't even needs to be one!
I am trying to concentrate on now.
Let the past go.
But there were consequences to what he did and he will not FULLY acknowledge them. Example: the kids are all very uncertain about his reliability. Their relationships are just so-so and he knows this. Our finances are in the @#$% as they say...We are about to file bankruptcy...which was okay with me but lately (the last week) he is beginning to blame ME!(My lack of good solid employment for the last 10 years, I stayed home and raised the kids until they were in high school, and then I only had low paying jobs.)
I sought out legal help during his time out and now the lawyer has brought up many issues I had never thought about that are making this bankruptcy a little suspect....fear he just wants to get out from under, but he swears it's to give us a new start.
So Livnlearn I agree with you that a sesion with a councelor to try and clarify some of what went on in Dragonflies H absence makes sense.
Isn't it funny how we almost feel more comfortable with the negative?? Like we're used to it...We know what to DO with that!...But the positive is regarded as suspisious!! LOL
Thank you for telling me that these hard times come fewer and farther apart. I needed to know that.
I think you are right, they do come farther apart it's just that we get in our comfort zone and don't realize it. We start taking the good for granted.
So maybe that's one of my lessons here, DON'T take the good times so for granted.
Quote: I'm not hearing how others are handling the problem with the double edged sword... any takers??
(I've started to respond to this about 4 times already, and am trying to keep the length down, so I'll just hit on a few things at this time!)
Maybe one of the most helpful things for me is remembering that "Unless they're deaf, they heard you the first time!". It's almost like "seed-planting". It might take some time for what you're saying to really sink in.
On the touchy stuff to talk about, I've had to try to turn my "curse" of procrastination into a "gift". Not really putting off the talks, but more of delaying the time frame in which things need to be resolved. I think that there comes a time in most of these situations when we see things are digressing, and we're ready for a "time-out". "Defensive" responses from either party is usually a good signal.
For us, "brief" works best. Otherwise, it becomes too overwhelming, gets put-off for too long, and then gets out of hand.
When it comes to feelings getting hurt, it works better for us to let the small wounds heal first before inflicting any more damage. For us, a medium hug, and maybe a small kiss, with no words, helps get the healing process started faster. Even if we're still mad at each other!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
No, L&L, not really. He has said some vague things like "this was the last straw"... we spoke for several days after he left about working things out, then he decided not to. He told me things that would have to change, I agreed, then he decided it would not work anyway.
As for the 2 months he was gone, I have no idea what he was doing, but he says he did not go out with anyone or anything like that. He said he called an old gf but she didnt return his calls.
He got irritated at me asking him questions last night, asked me how I would like it if the tables were turned, and I told him I would think I was getting off easy if the tables were turned. He looked ashamed and said he was sorry. He is willing to work on things, but in a way just wants to put it behind us.
you're right, I need to db my butt off! I need to be the woman he loves and wants to be with, not a shrew!
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
You just be that adorable, sweet, happy, confident, calm, decisive, wonderfully warm person we all know and love and leave that wary stranger on the doorstep!!
He will see the changes even if he NEVER says a word!
Don't worry too much about what EVER went on while he was absentia....just let him deal with that!
If he wants to ever talk....I guess you can decide if it is important to you any longer at that point....it may end up to be totally irrelevant!!!
ps: got a kick out of the fact that old GF wouldn't even return his call !!Ouch!! hahahahahah
"Touchy Stuff" might just need a posting all it's own....
How to handle the touchy areas.
So many of us struggle with this....
When and HOW seem to take on more importance.(wording, tone, attitude, Gosh right down to the setting we are in!) to say things, when to approach a subject. IF we should even bring it up at all as in "Picking your battles".
I too, use the slight "procrastination method", JJ. Put off talking about things a bit if it seems too hot of an arena..but I think for me that is just plain avoidance....a lack of confidence.
Your comment about: A little talk can go along way.... we underestimate this. Planting seeds.......instead of full frontal assault. They really do hear so much more than we ever give credit to, we really need to stop underestimating our spouses.
They might just need TIME to assimilate all the stuff we are saying, that's why we don't get a thought out response
Why DO WE expect them to come up with immediate answers just because we want them? Do you ever get put on the spot like that?...Having to come up with the "perfect" response for someone else? I bet it left you feeling a bit resentful!
We need to consider them inrealtion to OUR expectations...no one is here on this earth soley to provide for OUR expectations....why do we expect SOOOO much frok our spouses????
Somewhere I read, that when faced with an issue that you want your spouse to be sensitive to YOU on, ask the question in the following way:
"If YOU were ME.........is there anything I should be concerned about?"
It's called "empathetic response." It rather forces them to put themselves in your shoes.
Now they may not answer....in fact they most likely WON'T! Because this causes them to have to ACTUALLY think. Not react, but think, and think from OUR standpopint, not their own.
This is something they in all likelyhood have not done much of if any at all!! But it WILL get them to thinking.
NOW, you MUST be careful to not use this very much at all..otherwise it loses it impact and they end up being resentful that you want them to do your thinking for you.
(Can you imagine if you were always asking, "What do YOU think?" how irritated they would get!!!!)
I also find that I avoid touchy area's. This is a "more of the same" response for me and I absolutely loathe myself for doing it. I feel I must be the queen of avoidance.
Even my spouse has noticed and commented that when there is something I want to avoid....my voice drops to an inaudible level, my words run together and he says I sound almost childlike! He would actually prefer that I come out with a clear tone and more direct tone!!!! Shockers, Huh!!
They don't always want us to be meek and mild. Stand up for yourself in a non threatening kind of way.
We all need to really examine what we do to avoid those touchy area....and more importantly the reasoning behind our avoidance.
If it is fear.........
MUST we overcome the fear?
Are we afraid of the response? Of hearing something we don't want to know? Or not knowing how to respond back? Fear of doing the "wrong" thing? Making our spouse feel something? Their reaction?
What good are we to ourselves or to our loved one if we are not honest with ourselves about what we are truely feeling and then measuring that against what we want...the goal we are trying to acheive?
Instead of looking to measure our responses based on our loved one....let us measure ourselves.
Ask yourself,you, the person who knows inside of you: What do you want?
Clarity? comfort? control? certainty? reassurance? security? an expression of love? guilt? rejection? reprimands? punishment?....What EXACTLT are we looking to elicit by our comments????
Look at THAT first and then ask yourself if trying to discuss a "touchy subject" is what YOU want to do.
You might just find that you really don't want what you thought you did....or you can find another way to get it!
