Drop the arrogance. If you were an all-seeing expert you would not be where you are now.
"perhaps it doesn't deserve much merit as it may all be conjecture on my part"
Yep.
"What can I do to help ease these feelings about her father/men issues,"
Be supportive of her efforts to be a happy whole person by herself rather than one reliant on father/men.
" and distance myself from this past."
Treat her differently consistently for a long time.
" It is clear she is willing to "forgive me" about saying bad things about our M,"
Why quotes around "forgive me"?
" and I do believe the OW is not much of an issue for her as she's said she's no one to judge (although it might be if she needs to use something against me, I guess, but she has said we were separated, so water under the bridge)."
You'd be wrong. She might not blame you, but any infidelity is deeply painful, hurtful, damaging. Moreover, you've pretty much told her your EA is your dream woman who shows you how much W is lacking. There is no way she is over that. There is no way that is "not much of an issue." Do you really think that your pain about OM is that W lied to you??? No, it is her physical and emotional interaction with someone else that she wanted MORE than you, that made you seem lacking to her. There is little difference in THAT part of the emotional pain that your involvement with OP caused to each other.
It is really sad to see you so willing to dismiss her pain there and you are probably not giving her space to feel it and acknowledge it as you feel so damn justified in your EA all you seem able to do is DEFEND it and minimize the effects it continues to have on you, W, and your M.
I suggest you try to minimize the difference in your own mind between your As and W's A. MOST of the stuff that matters from this point forward is the SAME. Own it. Have compassion and love for W's pain, insecurity, etc... that WILL be there as a result of your OWs and the cavalier way you are treating the fallout of your Rs with the OWs.
" But, what I do believe is, she is NOT willing to forgive me for doing to her, what she sees is the same thing all the other important men in her life have done - for letting her down. "
What takes time is rebuilding trust. And it will simply take time.
"I suspect, up until a few months ago, I had continued to prove her right with my actions, but I also feel this is a tremendous responsibility for me to carry, just as it was unfair for her to be sole keeper of our R. I feel that is the one issue that will keep her from reengaging. "
Maybe so. That is really her stuff. Stay out of it. You might express your feelings to her: "I'm scared that unless I am always perfect that I will let you down." Or whatever. But REPORT about yourself, don't diagnose and judge her.
"I hear her talk about how she doesn't really need a man and is accepting of flying solo as a woman for the rest of her life. That is her choice, of course, but I can identify this as one big roadblock for her in accepting our M as a loving possibility."
Why is this a problem at all? Why aren't you reinforcing and supporting her emotional independence and strength? Why do you want her to continue to feel insecure? Why do you view her being a strong healthy woman who doesn't need a man to be happy as a threat? How about, "It is great you have found your strength and happiness within yourself. I hope that our relationship enriches both our lives without making our happiness dependent on it."
You seem to spend a lot of time psychoanalyzing your W and figuring out how her weaknesses make your life hard and your M difficult.
Look to yourself and your own happiness. Quit trying to mindread. Quit predicting the future. Live a good life that works for you in the present. See if W fits into it WITHOUT trying to control or fix her.
