Golf Mom, You are grieving and grieving takes time. There were times when I cried until I made myself sick...but I knew that I had to put one foot in front of the other in order to pull myself out of the dark hole. Do not fight the tears, feel the pain and then let it go. Get a pillow and beat the crap out of it. If you have a flower bed, make a point to go out and weed or hoe it to death. You need to do something physical to help you get rid of the pain. Take a drive and pull over somewhere out in the open and just scream. All of this will help you.
As for your h, he's in crisis. He's going to say anything for an excuse and guess what? You are always going to be the one he blames. If the sky is purple, you will be blamed. If the grass turns pink, you will be blamed. He isn't capable of looking within to see that the problems is w/him and his issues. That's why I continue to tell you to stop taking the glass of kool-aid he continues to try to give you. It's bs, plain and simple. You know what your marriage was like and you also know that your marriage wasn't perfect, but you both were doing just fine until the crisis hit. Refuse the glass of kool-aid...it's no good.
I mentioned on someone's thread just recently that if you are having discussions w/a spouse and you are discussing something they do not like to hear and they begin to spew, change the subject and they will change into civil human beings again. As you've noticed, as long as you stay away from relationship talks and talk about other items of interest, he remains civil and it's like old times. They can't deal w/relationship discussions right now and it throws them into a spewing tizzy.
Here's the deal, we all have done it and we all have had to learn to do the exact opposite. We think that running after them and trying to convince them to come home and work on the relationship, i.e., that we can change or do whatever they want...this would probably work in a normal situation, but the crisis is not a normal situation because it's not dealing with a rational individual who is using their brain. These individuals are in crisis, emotions are the key player, therefore we must do the exact opposite and allow them their time and space to work through their crisis. I have found that you can't get an emotional person to see the light until they have completely settled down. Just as a person in crisis becomes the opposite in personality, we, too, have to begin doing the exact opposite...which means let them go and do not pursue them and try to convince them to return home. It will not work! The more you pursue him, the harder he is going to run from you. That's why it is important to not contact him unless it is an absoltue emergency and one you can't handle yourself.
I know you are in pain and miss him terribly, but you do not want the man that he is right now back home and in your life. He is not the man you knew and you would have so many problems w/him. You would be on the emotional rollercoaster each and every day, i.e., walking on eggshells around him. It is better for you that he is not around you 24/7. At least you can begin to get your balance once again and feel "safe" in your own space. It is vital that you begin doing at last one thing each day for you. Pamper yourself for you are a wonderful woman and you will get through this in time. Time is your friend, not your enemy in this situation.
Kimmerz, I don't believe the "PM" feature works. At least it didn't work a while back. Many of the posters continue communicate off the board via th "alt."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
