So I figured it was time for a new subject header. The old one really didn't seem to fit anymore given where (and to a lesser extent who) I was when I started it.
Unlearning - the beginner's mind. I stopped looking at my w for answers and started looking at me. I opened my eyes to the fact that what was modeled for me as a child doesn't work for my R with my w. I rejected what didn't work and continue to do my best to work on what does.
Learning. I listened for a change - not just to what my wife had been saying, but to people here on the boards that have walked this journey before me. In doing so, I realized that what I thought was important wasn't as important....what I thought was right was actually wrong.....that people need to be loved in the way they need to be loved - not the way I thought they needed it.
Doing it differently. Now, I stop and think more before I speak. I try to validate instead of defend, and I try to really think about my first reaction to something emotional - as it tends to be wrong a lot.
All of these things have helped save me quite a bit. I am far from being a vet or a great DB'er - but it has helped me get closer to a center. And, honestly, relative to where I was 7 or 8 months ago it has vastly improved the conditions between my w and me. Sure, the D is still pending - but we are listening to one another. We are trying to communicate more openly, and I am trying to use new skills to set the table for a better future - hopefully with her, but if not - with someone else.
So.....what's been going on the last few weeks?
Not a lot has changed. We continue to talk, text and e-mail. It's all friendly, kind and supportive - never anything negative. Can't remember if I said this is my last post or not - but she texted "I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused you" out of the blue two weeks ago. I know that is not saying "let's get back together" - but at least it is honest communication. She has also told me that I am handsome and a good father. I needed the ego boost - frankly. I am not crowing about it - but it just kinda soothed some of the pain and worthlessness I had been carrying around.
We continue to go to church. Sometimes she isn't there - but I go anyway and take our son. It's a good way to "share" him when the other doesn't have custody that weekend.
She is opening up to me more. Today she shared with me that she is having a hard time hearing about people's second pregnancies, seeing families, seeing people post info about babies/siblings/families. She has two good friends that arrived in town tonight and she said she has a certain amount of angst there because the can't really relate to her life right now. That they have their families/homes/lives in tact. Again, it's no symbol that we are getting back together anytime soon - but it's good that she is opening up to me little by little. I guess that's what happens when you just decided to listen and validate. I wish I would have known earlier.
Our remaining embryo is still an occasional topic of discussion. She still has a desire to use it (she expressed that this week) and said it something she would rather do sooner than later. I still conceptually struggle with this - doing it post-divorce. But I am keeping my mind open and not shutting her opinion out 100% - that is a 180 for me when I have a dissenting opinion.
Last weekend after dinner, she said something rather interesting. "You know, Crimson - all my life I thought I would be able to 'outsmart' the dysfunction I witnessed in my parents relationship - the lack of communication and other things - I guess I didn't". It was a nice, honest exchange about some of our shortcomings that we shared.
She has been texting pictures of the baby from his early days and we have been sharing good memories from that period. I always enjoy that - sometimes I feel as if she doesn't have a single good memory of me left in her head, but she still hold on to pictures and things. In fact, I was at her condo earlier this week dropping of S and she has one of my baby pictures (2-3 years old) hanging in his bedroom in a big frame on the wall. Not gonna lie, I was kinda touched by that.
She has been sharing work stress and other professional insecurities that she has been experiencing. I listen, validate and try to be supportive and build her up as best I can. Not in a "pursuing" way, but in a generally encouraging, reassuring way.
She has also been more forthcoming about some of the things that made her unhappy that I did after she dropped the bomb. Keep in mind that this was in my pre DB days, but I reached out to some of my friends with concerns about her and she let me know that she feels it has impacted some of those friendships and that she never would have done that to me. She said "I don't need reasons, rationalizations or excuses (from you, Crimson) - I'm just trying to work on communicating feelings, even if they are unpleasant".
So even though things aren't "great" they are better. It has required some radical changes in approach and thinking from me - and I am not quite "there" yet - but I have made a pretty big dent in the old Crimson that I think is here for good....at least I hope so. I still don't want the D, and it will be emotionally hard on me - but if it comes, it comes. I will keep working even after the gavel falls.
Tonight my anxiety comes from her friends being in town. I never really felt they liked me in the first place and I fear that it's going to turn into a "you are right to leave him...you need to start over and get a new life" kind of weekend. I KNOW that a lot of that is in my head - but I really don't want them to make matter worse in my situation, and I feel that they are capable. I have not and will not share this fear with my w, and I will "as if" should our paths happen to cross this weekend - but I do fear that I will get trashed kind of badly by them. Meh - no matter.
