I feel as though there are some definite challenges we face once a reconcilliation has occured that don't get adressd directly through any forum.
There are issues, challenges and problems that are not faced by those who are just beginning this process or who are on their way through divorce.
I know personally I find it hard to read threads from newcomer's as I get confused and caught up in their pain and regress somewhat in thinking how this might apply to my situation and find myself often times second guessing my self and then regressing into negative thinking....
"Separated now what"...is also not quite as far along as piecing and seems to be more in line with learning Db steps...
"Pieceing" gets you to reconcilliation but then what....
What do you do when you are reconcilled but still feeling some confusion and pain...and uncertainty....and you still need support and ideas, fedback and a place to air your uncertainty....
So in the attempt to bridge a gap...I am starting this post.....
Reconcilliation
It's scary, and thrilling and can be as much of a roller coaster as any other part of the relationship...it's really the part where the true work begins....putting into action what you've learned....starting to blossom and open up abpout yourself to another the person....the person you love and fear the most.
I hope someone else will come here and talk about their fears and concerns and about what is working for them....
A positive , safe place that is still alittle bit of limbo land... A launching pad!!!
Let's step off into the abyss.....the place we have been longing to be.....
I for one know the trials and tribulations of what comes after piecing...(then again does piecing ever end? is that what we hope for? should we hope for piecing to end? aint it about growing together not just growing old together? I obviosly could keep going here...)
the beginging??? well that's a sort of weird honey moon period....fun, scary, exciting, new (again kinda?) etc...
slowly it turns into something more "normal" but of course all our fears of is this ok? is this a sign of things getting bad again? talista has done a great job of comparing then and now as a mesure for that sort of thing (something a lot of us including yours truly should look into though I'll admit it's hard to know what then and what now to use as a gauge)
The hardest part I see in piecing is keeping an open dialogue. Deciding what needs to be talked about and how much.
It's hard to be honest with those closest to us especially when we know that being honest may hurt them (probably why so many was don't feel all that comfortable sharing a whole lot) put's us (the lbs) in a position where we want to share our fears etc with our finnaly no longer was but tend to stuff them and instead look to see how they are trying to reassure ourselves instead.
It's scary, and thrilling and can be as much of a roller coaster as any other part of the relationship...it's really the part where the true work begins....putting into action what you've learned....starting to blossom and open up abpout yourself to another the person....the person you love and fear the most.
Amen to that!!
The tough part to really keep in mind is that reconciliation, and "piecing", is really more of a "process" than it is an "event". I've got a little over 3 years behind my belt to testify to that!
Quote: putting into action what you've learned
Also another important point to keep in mind. The "newcomer" stage seems, at times, to be "practice" for the lifetime of work that lays ahead of you. This is not meant to be taken in a bad light, either.
Change is constant. Or, at least, it should be, otherwise things in the relationship get pretty stagnant. Takes us back to a place that's similar to where things may have went bad in the first place. I think that it's key that we, as the "solution-oriented" one's in the relationship, take the lead in what direction these changes occur.
Gotta run, more later!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: Change is constant. Or, at least, it should be, otherwise things in the relationship get pretty stagnant. Takes as back to a place that's similar to where things may have went bad in the first place. I think that it's key that we, as the "solution-oriented" one's in the relationship, take the lead in what direction these changes occur.
Amen! I DO NOT want to go back "where things went bad" in the first place...ever...I have to keep remembering this, too. Keep focused on moving forward and time to start setting goals.
I am very interested in this topic too. I had the rose colored glasses on when I thought that if he came back, I could be sweet and nice and sexy, and everything else I thought he would want for infinity. I didnt think about the issues that would come up that would confuse me. Last night after I asked him about a matchmaking website on the history of the computer, (probably a pop up I know), he said something to me in such a way that I found myself 'almost' reverting to the previous way of dealing with him. Anger, bitterness, etc. But, I didnt say anything, he continued to comfort and support me and it turned out okay.
Right now he is doing great with my fears and hurts, (which I thought I'd be keeping hidden, while having a PMA 24/7), but he'll get tired of having to reassure me. I have got to get back to loving detachment and PMA. I need the peace back to deal with everyone. I am feeling overwhelmed at work and that just spills over into home.
and it has been suggested that he came back too fast... after leaving abruptly and that is a red flag. Sigh.
I don't know. I always trust what he says, but then I ck up on him in these little ways and have nagging doubts. So I guess the trust isn't there right now, and shouldnt be. It takes time and earning the trust.
Good news- we went to church together sunday, he was welcomed back with lots of hugs and praise to God. I know that returning to church he had left would be stressful, some men wouldnt do it at all.
That's all for now.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Soooo happy to hear from you! And everyone else who put there thought's here!!
Reconcilliation as a processing not an event I understand, the event itself can be rather, well, uneventfull!
But the process of reconcilliation is always on-going...2 months, 3 years or 10 years! Seeing to it that issues don't divide or separate you.
Dragonflie said....there are challenges that we don't think about having to deal with before the reconcilliation and before you know it.....there you are dealing with them!
Trying to be the best you can be all the time.....is one.
Afraid of what to say or not say is another.
The thing is there are no hard and fast rules and each situation seems quite unique.
It would just seem that it might be helpful if those who had experienced some reconcilliation might leave a few suggestions as to what to do and not do... Would that be not learning to do it for oursleves?
By the time we reconcile we need to have a handle on what is good for us and what is not or there won't be a successful reconcilliation?
I don't know...I can't post tonight....very rough night...too many bumps in the road and this is the first night in a very long time that I have actually cried.
When things were going so well it's even harder when they go sour...even for a little while....
My world seems to be teetering and I am getting dizzy trying to keep balance.
Very happy to see everyone's thought's here!!
I guess I was naive to expect no bumps! I cannot believe I actually thought this, but I must have, because I was so bitterly disappointed that this occured!! The fear and loathing that I felt were soo overwhelming...wow! I was taken by surprise.
Communication is key and we needed to clear something's up so I guess I should be happy that he shares feelings, especailly negative ones, because that gives me a chance to respond and also to hear what he feels!
Reconcilliation should not be all hearts and flowers and perfection, it needs to be a challenge so we are forced to grow.....make changes that better us......
Quote: When things were going so well it's even harder when they go sour...even for a little while....
Man, ain't that the truth! It almost seems easier at times when things are consistently in the dumpster, and you're more "prepared" for it. Maybe even "used" to it.
I'm sorry that you're having such a tough night, Trish. Do take heart in the fact that these times can come fewer, and farther between.
You brought up a lot of good things to talk about here. I'll be back tomorrow to post more, but I need to go nuture my relationship a bit for the night!
Take care of yourself tonight, my friend, and I hope you sleep well!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: and it has been suggested that he came back too fast... after leaving abruptly and that is a red flag. Sigh.
I really hope I didn't come across as dumping a whole lot of negativity on you when I posted to your thread about your H returning very suddenly. It was not intended to get you down, I was just thinking out loud and I have to restate, that I am no expert!!
Quote: I don't know. I always trust what he says, but then I ck up on him in these little ways and have nagging doubts. So I guess the trust isn't there right now, and shouldnt be. It takes time and earning the trust.
There's a really good example in either DB or DR about how a couple got around the need for W to hear about OW and why H left, and for H to feel there would be some end to the constant questioning and need for assurances. They were told to set aside an hour twice a week for a sesssion of questions/reassurances to be aired, and nothing to be said on the subject outside this time. After only the first session, which H voluntarily allowed to go over the hour limit, W suddenly found she didn't have a need to question any more! W felt her conerns had been acknowledged and addressed, and H felt that because this process was limited, he could open up more and not be defensive. Of course, all this happened AFTER H acknowledged that there had been OW etc.
Maybe you should give H a 'holiday', but then later on request him to set aside a session - with a councellor? - to discuss what it was that prompted him to up and leave without warning? Everyone, is that a bad idea?
Dragonflie, from your posts I get the feeling that your H 'demands' total honesty from you, but is not so keen to be equally open with you. Just my feeling. Maybe you should call him on that?
Quote: Good news- we went to church together sunday, he was welcomed back with lots of hugs and praise to God. I know that returning to church he had left would be stressful, some men wouldnt do it at all.
Indeed, that is a huge plus, that he was willing to swallow his pride and return.
My H was so cocky, all swagger and bragging after he left, it made me and some of our common friends wince. He went around telling folk that at last he was FREE and there would be MANY CHANGES in his life, oh yes there would! Well, IF he comes back now, that would be quite a climb down...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Communication is key and we needed to clear something's up so I guess I should be happy that he shares feelings, especailly negative ones, because that gives me a chance to respond and also to hear what he feels!
The "open communication" that we long for can often be a double-edged sword. As we strive to get our partners to tell us their thoughts, we often times hear things that we don't really want to hear.
However, the alternative of not talking about the "touchy subjects" is often an old "more of what didn't work" from the past.
What are some of the ways that others here have been able to deal with this?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
No Livnlearn, it was a valid concern/point. He hasn't given me any answers that make sense about the manner in which he left. He said that he called an old gf, but did not date anyone or have sex with anyone, but I just dont know..... there are just little things that cause me to mistrust him, and I feel that I can talk about it, and he reassures me, but I still don't trust the answers. "Dragonflie, from your posts I get the feeling that your H 'demands' total honesty from you, but is not so keen to be equally open with you. Just my feeling. Maybe you should call him on that?" He insists he is totally honest. His answers as to his motivation on things... the "why" questions" .... are not something I could argue with, even though I don't believe it's the whole truth sometimes.
I think perhaps we are both holding back on putting the checking accounts back together and car insurance , etc to see how things work out. I guess maybe we are both testing things out, although he says he is here forever (heard that before) and not ever leaving again.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
