Picking up where we left off . . . I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

OnMyWay,

I'd strongly suggest that you and your wife -- as part of your reconcilation -- commit to a MUTUAL transparency plan with each other.

Have you two discussed no-contact and transparency? Preferably, this would be introduce by a good MC/FT, specifically trained in dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, but the two of you could do it on your own, too.

You're either both "all in" on this, or you're not. The FEELINGS will take a long time to return, but the DECISION can me back now. As they taught us as Retrouvaille, "Love is a decision" . . . right?


Starsky

OnMyWay, is there a reason why you didn't answer my questions? Did you see my post?


thanks,

Starsky

Yes. First of all, I didn't have time to answer your question. Second I wanted to think on it, as your topic wasn't sitting well with me at the time I reviewed it. But, in studying your topic further, I do appreciate what you are telling me. We have NOT had such a discussion outside of me originally stating if she were to come back, that OM needs to be gone. Of course, I wasn't in a relationship with anyone else (see above with regards to oldtimer), so I wasn't thinking I had anything I needed to be transparent about AT THAT TIME. She has admitted to me that she did have minimal contact with him since she moved back initially. As part of the Retrouvaille program, you must not have a relationship outside of the marriage as a condition of attending, so I have relied on the honor system up to now.

After our post-meeting last night, I could tell she was agitated, so inquired and was able to get her to open up. She unloaded all kinds of garbage in her life - from school, dealing with her family (her sister is a drug addict and is having problems), stress of graduation, finals, our situation, Retrouvaille (she doesn't like the religious aspects of it - and with reason, albeit off topic), and other "stuff." Interesting was that OM was not much of a factor. That could either be because he is beginning to fade and have less influence on her, or that she holds him in such high regard, he didn't merit discussion as an "issue affecting her life." That I'm not certain. She seems "clean" at this point in time, but then again, she did lie about it in the past, so it may merit further inquiry.

Further discussion at home led into our problems (against the rules of our program - we are not to be "fixing" our problems yet, just understanding each other's feelings). Her issues seemed to have little to do with her feelings for someone else, but more to do with her feelings about us, her independence, and how she feels society has judged her.

So, while she has made the decision to come back and made the decision to "try," I judge the decision to forgive and the decision to love are not a choices she's ready to make. Therefore, I'm admittedly a little nervous right now about forcing an issue of transparency when we are just getting started. Although, your question has me curious.

Perhaps I can offer transparency myself and see if she is comfortable reciprocating. That's seems a little passive-agressive, though. Perhaps simply waiting for the opportune moment would be a better way to approach the topic. I'm nervous to upset the obvious progress we have made in just the past week. Transparency will become a must down the road. Just not sure I'd be putting the cart before the horse at this juncture and that makes me nervous.