What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Well one step forward two steps back maybe??

I did call yesterday. Conversation was light, airy. I hung up when it sounded like he was done. (180 for me - I would normally keep talking and talking and talking especially about R until he grew frustrated.)

He came home last night, I kept the lights low, candles going (it just looks nice and smells good and makes me relaxed) and just said 'oh hey!' and kept on doing my activity. We played with the dog, talked about dog and kid. No R talk. He even asked me questions. Remember last week he filed 'D' and all week he was one word answers so this is a big change. (usually I would be in bed this late, OR in this case I would have been anxiously pacing by the door.


I went down and tried to snuggle up with him = no go. Went back upstairs immediately without a word. Meh. Won't try that for awhile.

This morning I gave him a compliment about his shirt which was well received and then as he left for work, I gave him a side hug which he groaned at. Maybe no physical contact would be good? In the past I didn't initiate physical contact and then he would shell up and then act as if I didn't want him. (Basically boosting his ego when I initiate).

One change that I've been working on is staying at home when he is here. I know he can't 'miss' me - but we spent 5 years not connecting with alternating schedules. I want to do activities that we connect with that I also enjoy (even if he doesn't want to do it right now) that are around the home. For example, I've been spending time learning a drawing program on his computer because it will help me AND he enjoys doing it. From time to time I will request his help which he always 'protests' but he likes to help with it. Enter my compliments to him for how easy he makes it look (which is very true).

I don't want him to think that I don't care about him. I do, despite everything that's gone down. I guess I've been framing it lately to myself that IF he actually moves out then I will not initiate anything but until then I'm trying these 180's and trying to be a friend first. But as he just called, I didn't answer. I can't be *too* available.

I feel all over the board with this - I'm sorry. I'm just trying to see what works and what doesn't - while also keeping in mind that I'm not making him my activity to focus on.

Other goals:
I'm working on getting my exercise into 30 minutes a day.

I have been trying to 'stop light' bad thoughts.

Been reading the other forums here.

I'm getting more comfortable with staying at home (a BIG change for me) and doing low-key activities. Right now I'm training a puppy and that's been a good distraction. I also am spending more time with S listening to him. I've been reading more and taking baths while watching old movies. As I've only worked about 30 hours this week, I'm feeling like I have more time to myself.

I'm working on my proposal to my supervisor re: my job. I've been happier with just the *thought* of reducing my hours.

And a big one: other than this board, I'm not talking about this anymore because I get caught up in the analyzing too much. Our families already know what he was doing because FIL has been living here and he's talked to my parents... I know that H is embarrassed which is why we haven't had a lot of talk about it yet (other than that day I went off on him about he could have endangered not only HIS health, but mine). It seems like he is waiting for me to revert back into the old me - and I don't want to.