So...I watched the NFL Draft (well most of it) with H last night. We order pizza & wings - tailgate food. Total 180 for me because I am SO not a football fan, and this is yet another thing on his list of things I do wrong: I don't act interested in anything he's interested in. It was actually fun for me. Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! *In my Gomer Pyle voice*
I've been thinking. Yes, here we go again...LOL As skeptical as I am of anything H does that's nice and caring, he's just as skeptical that my changes are real. I've been so into what I "think" he's trying to do (i.e., get over on me, use me as his nursemaid, etc.), but had not once considered that he could be thinking I'm "acting" just to get him to stay, when I really haven't changed at all. Made me look at things a bit differently.
I look at our interactions, and I can see a clear difference in how I used to respond to him. And I do occasionally see a look of surprise in his eyes when the reaction isn't what he's used to. It's a shame that it took all this to get me to see it. But I also realized I'm no longer doing it for him. I enjoy being a mostly happy person. Which in turn makes me a happy wife (hopefully).
I'd love to get to the point where I'm detached enough that I don't think about him having an A every hour. It used to be every minute, so I guess that's improvement. I also need to get to a place of no expectations. God is going to have to help me with this one, because I'm terrible at that. Especially when his actions don't necessarily coincide with him wanting to leave.
I still feel like I should be DOING something to get some movement in my sitch, but I realize now may not be the right time. I'm a fixer, but I can't fix this. Knowing that s*cks most of the time to be honest. I'm SuperWoman...there's nothing I CAN'T fix! But I promised myself I'd give DBing my all, so that's what I'm going to do.
An observation: I've been giving hello kisses ALL week when I come in from work. Based on his reactions, I'd say H is now looking for this when I come through the door. And for once, I don't feel like its a chore. I want to do it. Maybe that's progress?
