What does having learned something from your EA have to do with planned future contact with her?
It seems to me that you are defending your choice to get involved with women while you were separated. But that's not what I was writing about. Maybe it was a good idea to date, maybe not. I have no idea. I don't know your sitch.
What I was saying is that it is not OK to continue contact with the EA in any form if you are making the choice to be open to reconciliation. Future contact with EA, even countenancing it, is toxic to your M. The question isn't whether your previous actions were justified or not. The question is simply this: Is it OK to continue interaction with your EA in the context of your M? The very straightforward answer is this: No.
If you are adamant that you will continue contact with your EA, the only other real choice is to make her a friend of your wife and your marriage. Have her over for dinner. Include W in any email to her. And so on. My guess is that this wouldn't go over very well with W or EA, which alone should convince you that EA should not be in your life in any way.
