Tad's Overdue Update

[tadpole1025]

Thank you. Just thought that I would come and vent/update/journal a little bit.

AJ, I got your message on the alt. I am ok my friend and I really think that I am going to love the new job. I love working from home too. The job is much easier on my knees and my gas tank!

I'm ok for the most part, but still have the downer moments. For example: XW told S17 today that she is going to New York in a couple of weeks to visit her parents. What did I do? I assumed the worst. I assumed that she is taking OM with her to meet her parents. Of course, I don't know if this is fact. I just assume it for some reason. Am I detached? Obviously not enough yet.

A couple of days ago I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 18 months. I've got HER to thank for it. I had to borrow 11 dollars from S19's GF the other day just to pay my rent. I did not ask for this. None of us did and it blows. I also found myself thinking how glad I am that I am not her. I don't want her misery and I could not live with myself after the pain that I caused everyone. I couldn't live with the guilt. I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure. I also can't wait for her to realize that the grass is not greener.

I've also kind of reverted back to the ways when I was younger. I've noticed and my S19 and S17 have commented on it too. When I was married and had my radio career, I was living large...the life of the party. I was Mr. Popular....a celebrity in my hometown. Life was good. I wasn't always like that though. Growing up and into my late teens, I was very shy and liked to keep to myself. I guess I was kind of a loner. It's just the way that I was. When I met W and got into radio, that all changed. That is when I became larger than life. Now, I'm back to being a loner. I look back at the life I had and how happy I was and it seems like such a long time ago.

Sorry for the rant.

Tad