We've been together for so long its hard to think of it ending like this.
ND, none of us planned for our marriages to end. Each of us was shocked with some aspect of the bomb. Look at my handle.
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After seeing her last night, I'm wondering if I can ever make her happy again.
You cannot make her happy. It is not within your control. Her happiness is her choice based upon her perceptions. The best any of us can do is choosing to be happy ourselves.
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I've got to keep working on myself and hope she will she the changes.
Work upon yourself for you. Make your 180s your 180s for yourself, for your happiness. You are not running away from her, you are running toward yourself.
When I began I was trying to demonstrate change for each of those things W gave as reasons for leaving. None of this was effective for these were surface changes attempted and specifically targeted to win her back.
My happiness did not begin to return until I began to work on me. When I understood how our dynamic evolved, and when our codependency started was when I could begin to target my 180s.
Each situation is different though there are common themes through many of them. This cannot be Band-Aid fixed, this must be understood before corrective and preventive solution can be applied. Keep in mind you can only fix you.
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We'll see after the next two months.
Use care setting timelines in my experience they indicate expectations. This takes as long as it takes. Use the time you have to your best advantage. Engage in activities that move you forward
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
thank you all for the responses. I hadnt heard any for a while.
I dont know how long it's going to take before I quit working on saving the marriage, and start working more on myself. I know that's what I'm doing. Making myself a better person is the only thing that can bring back my wife. The me she saw the other night was not the man she wants. I feel that is why she was uncomfortable with me being there. She didn't want to discuss the R and I did. All she sees is me pushing again. Have to get away and let her be. Why is that so hard for me to do? Must get back to detaching.
Well just about through another Sunday. I got alot done today. It definitely pays to stay busy. Talked to some friends today too. Thats always nice.
My daughter was here this weekend. Last night we had supper and saw American Reunion. Then a little shopping. We had a good time. The kids are trying to spend more time with me. W has been suggesting this and I guess I'm okay with that.
Tonight I grilled myself a couple burgers. That was a first. It also reminded me just how lonely I am. I miss loving my wife and her loving me. I miss her smell, the sound of her heels coming across the room. The sight of her. Why did this have to happen? I want that feeling of being in love, safe and secure. Back to the days of never even having the thought of her being with someone else. I hate where my life is at. I cant even see a.couple on tv without my heart starting to ache. How long will this go on?
Hi sandi, well not so good. Im getting busy with field work so thats good. I just spend too much time wondering where my W is coming from. She is trying to erase our history, the good anyway. You cannot be together 33 years and not have some happiness. She makes me fell that I did all this to us. I think by doing this she can justifiy what she is doing, whatever it is. At times I feel like I dont even know her.What a horrible mess.
I can tell you from my personal crises that I was very messed up. You are probably right about her trying to justify what she's doing. I did like most WAW's and the fog was so thick that I decided I had never really fell in love with my H and that it was just teenage infatuation.
Right now, you don't know her b/c she's not the girl you M. She doesn't even know herself. She may pretend to have found peace and like her life separated, but I bet she struggles with her share of confusion.
You spoke of how her neighbor acted when you went by your W's place, and wondered what she might be telling people. Part of trying to justify her feelings & actions is painting you to look worse than you probably are.
People have different opinions about separation, but a WAW who is thinking of other man or men wants her freedom and privacy to do what she wants to do without a H interfering. You can call it cooling off or giving space, but for some WAW's....getting the H to S is the main step, and after that, then she feels she has the hardest part behind her and the rest will be easier to make happen (whatever that may be). Many WAS's give the LBS the impression that separation is needed and will be only a short period and they'll be back together. However, if there is a third party involved or the WAS wants to have another person involved....then they aren't likely to be thinking of R the M at this point. That's not to say R will never happen, but I'm trying to tell you that she's not ready for it to happen right now.
I'm telling you this so you will start to do something with yourself, and for yourself. Stop snooping the Internet b/c it will drive you crazy! You will never be able to move forward. Please do not decide to go over to her place anymore to see where things stand. You won't like the answer.
You need to get some tapes to listen to while you're working. If you are a Christian, there are millions of studies to be involved in, plus grow spiritually while you're growing the farm. You can find some motivational books on tape or inspiring music (stay away from the country blues... ) But you've got to listen to something that will keep your mind focused instead of thinking about her all the time. When you're in that tractor, turn the tapes on and start taking in some good soul food.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi you hit the nail right on the head. If I didnt know better Id say youve been around her. Yes she is not the girl I married! But she would tell you that she is. She has become someone else.
Your explaination of wanting to separate makes sense. That is why she was so nice before she left. She wanted to make sure she got her house and other things. She told me if we got back together we could always sell her house. Right. She continues to fill it with new furnture, painting and decorating. She also spends huge amounts on the kids. Shes never leaving that house and she certainly isnt preparing it to be our new beginning.
I feel bad for her. I feel that im beginning to find myself, and she is losing herself. Its hard to watch knowing that I still love her and want her to come back. But I am also seeing that that isnt going to happen right now if ever. How will I know when ive had enough?
You probably need to ask a LBH who has come through to the other side of the pain. By those I've observed in my family members, the DB board, friends and co-workers, it seems every person has their own capacity to withstand pain & rejection. IMHO, a person needs to be their own best friend and work at filling up their time with other things to get through the journey. You may never stop completely loving her, but right now, loving her at a distance might be what you have to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If I didnt know better Id say youve been around her. Yes she is not the girl I married! But she would tell you that she is. She has become someone else.
Maybe she always was this person, but only now can BE this person. Before she was the wife, the mother, the employee, etc and somehow she lost her.
As far as when will you know you're done, you'll know.
But the key is working on yourself everyday.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
NDFarmer--how will you know....you just will. I felt a sense of peace wash over me that felt very different from what I had ever felt before. I didn't feel tense anymore, there were no tears, no pounding in the chest. I felt relaxed and happy.
You can find some motivational books on tape or inspiring music (stay away from the country blues... 
) But you've got to listen to something that will keep your mind focused instead of thinking about her all the time. When you're in that tractor, turn the tapes on and start taking in some good soul food.