I'm a mess tonight. I can't find peace. We went to our second MC session. W left to go out with a friend the minute we got home. I put our son to bed and then fell apart. I feel hopeless. I don't know if I've ever felt so alone. I haven't cried like this in years.
Last week the MC asked us to do some conversation exercises. We didn't do them. W didn't care to. This week my W told the counselor how uncertain she is about our marriage. The MC seemed to be grilling W with questions. There's a few of things from the session that stand out in my mind:
*W said that if it weren't for our son she'd already be gone. *W said that the last few days all she's thought about is the logistics of being divorced. ie: how holidays be handled, how would custody work, how we could sell our house, etc. *W feels that we're such great friends that after a divorce we could still be friends and raise our son together as much as possible. (Friends?! WTF!) *W said she really didn't feel like working on our marriage. But at the same time she wasn't sure what she wanted. *When asked I acknowledged that I am hurting, but that just of much of me hurts for my wife. I don't want to see her in this turmoil. *She feels like it's impossible to think at our house because we're always "there" (asking for space?) *W said that we just seem to be in a continous cycle. We love eachother and then break up, then back again. She's tired of it and doesn't want to go through it again. (When we were dating we broke up more times than I can remember. But I always thought it was due to my commitment issues.) *W said that I deserve to be with someone that actually WANTS to have sex with me. *I said that I felt like every time we got back together we never did the work to STAY TOGETHER. We would get comfortable and then let our relationship slip away again. Sure, we can communicate without fighting.. but we never learned how to LOVE eachother and how to SHOW that love in a way the other person is open to receiving. W agreed with this, but said it didn't matter.
The MC said that she really can't help us if we both aren't willing to put in the work. She said she could switch to a "decision based" counseling. In this type of counseling my wife and I would each get half of a session. She said the goal is to help come to a decision about marriage/divorce. Does anyone have any experience with this? I shied away and said I had to think about it. I've made my decision. My decision is my marriage. I'm afraid of her helping my W towards a divorce. She did say that her goal is *never* divorce unless there's abuse in a relationship... but I'm still terrified that she'd say the wrong thing. Plus, my W already said she isn't a big fan of this counselor.
I'm lost. I'm down. I'm sitting here alone in a house that is full of dirty dishes, laundry, and lacking food. We shared these tasks and we're both obviously depressed and chores aren't getting done. I'll try to pick myself up and get some stuff done tonight, but I need to sleep. S1 will be up too early again in the morning and it takes me hours to fall asleep with this on my mind.
I have a call with a DB Coach scheduled for tomorrow. I feel like I'm reaching for any string I can. Something to grasp onto as my marriage slips away. I don't understand how just four days ago she thought we might be able to make this work.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
