We had some documents sitting on the table. There were three things in a pile: 1. results of our personality tests from her therapist. 2. Our "homework" to from our MC to help us start talking better. 3. A list of activities we can easily do together to help reconnect.
She threw them all away.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
stop repeating that you love her and you want your marriage to work...
she knows this
you are pressuring her
back off and find what you are passionate about...
we know her passions are politics so research that a bit and then develop your own more as well
become more interesting to yourself...in doing so you may just become more interesting to her
What else can I say when she wants to have a conversation to tell me she has no feelings? Do I implore and ask what makes her happy? Ask in what ways she likes to be shown love? Or do I shy away from the conversation... It's so hard since I don't want to appear needy. I feel so confused during the conversations.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Do not have the conversation. When she says she has no feelings you could say that you hear that and then leave to do something interesting. For example.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wouldn't walking away give the impression that I don't care? Or is that the idea?
I think I may make the call to schedule a DB Coaching session.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
w: someguy...I don't love you in that way and you deserve so much more than just someone like me who thnks of you as a friend
someguy: you are right w...we all want someone to feel that special love for us
w: see someguy??? I just don't feel that for you!!!
someguy: wow wife...that must be really stressful for you to have to feel like you have to fake those feelings for me all the time. I hate that you have to feel that way.
you want to let your wife know that you care very much ABOUT HER FEELINGS...this isn't all about you
you want her to know that and by constantly reminding her of how you feel, all it does is make her feel guilty
she can't feel safe with you when you are making her feel guilty and feel pressure
what would you say to a friend who said they didn't feel that spark for their spouse anymore???
she can't feel safe with you when you are making her feel guilty and feel pressure
what would you say to a friend who said they didn't feel that spark for their spouse anymore???
Quoting for myself to review. Thank you; this is a good way to look at it.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I'm a mess tonight. I can't find peace. We went to our second MC session. W left to go out with a friend the minute we got home. I put our son to bed and then fell apart. I feel hopeless. I don't know if I've ever felt so alone. I haven't cried like this in years.
Last week the MC asked us to do some conversation exercises. We didn't do them. W didn't care to. This week my W told the counselor how uncertain she is about our marriage. The MC seemed to be grilling W with questions. There's a few of things from the session that stand out in my mind:
*W said that if it weren't for our son she'd already be gone. *W said that the last few days all she's thought about is the logistics of being divorced. ie: how holidays be handled, how would custody work, how we could sell our house, etc. *W feels that we're such great friends that after a divorce we could still be friends and raise our son together as much as possible. (Friends?! WTF!) *W said she really didn't feel like working on our marriage. But at the same time she wasn't sure what she wanted. *When asked I acknowledged that I am hurting, but that just of much of me hurts for my wife. I don't want to see her in this turmoil. *She feels like it's impossible to think at our house because we're always "there" (asking for space?) *W said that we just seem to be in a continous cycle. We love eachother and then break up, then back again. She's tired of it and doesn't want to go through it again. (When we were dating we broke up more times than I can remember. But I always thought it was due to my commitment issues.) *W said that I deserve to be with someone that actually WANTS to have sex with me. *I said that I felt like every time we got back together we never did the work to STAY TOGETHER. We would get comfortable and then let our relationship slip away again. Sure, we can communicate without fighting.. but we never learned how to LOVE eachother and how to SHOW that love in a way the other person is open to receiving. W agreed with this, but said it didn't matter.
The MC said that she really can't help us if we both aren't willing to put in the work. She said she could switch to a "decision based" counseling. In this type of counseling my wife and I would each get half of a session. She said the goal is to help come to a decision about marriage/divorce. Does anyone have any experience with this? I shied away and said I had to think about it. I've made my decision. My decision is my marriage. I'm afraid of her helping my W towards a divorce. She did say that her goal is *never* divorce unless there's abuse in a relationship... but I'm still terrified that she'd say the wrong thing. Plus, my W already said she isn't a big fan of this counselor.
I'm lost. I'm down. I'm sitting here alone in a house that is full of dirty dishes, laundry, and lacking food. We shared these tasks and we're both obviously depressed and chores aren't getting done. I'll try to pick myself up and get some stuff done tonight, but I need to sleep. S1 will be up too early again in the morning and it takes me hours to fall asleep with this on my mind.
I have a call with a DB Coach scheduled for tomorrow. I feel like I'm reaching for any string I can. Something to grasp onto as my marriage slips away. I don't understand how just four days ago she thought we might be able to make this work.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I so badly want to tell my W (who will not work on marriage because she has 'no feelings for me') that love is not a feeling but a decision, a choice, a thought process.
Regarding the moving out: dont do it.
Read my sitch: I have moved out for 3 weeks and regret it because moving back in is so much harder ....its like you have crossed a threshold...for instance, I dont think my W will let me share the bed again.
W wants me to move out because she cant (doesnt want to leave our 2 sons).Also I work away a lot so I cant look about kids if she did move out.
I have moved out for 3 weeks to give her SPACE but its so so hard
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
