looking for hope

[jc180]

I'm still here. Since last time my W had to go through her first long stretch without our son. I was guessing that she would call me or text during that time because she said she was dreading not seeing him for that long. I was wrong. She didn't call once during the five days. In fact she the only time we talked was when we switched visitation. It was about her lost keys. We will not see each other for 10 days because when we switch visitation again she sent her parents. Of course I was hoping this time apart from our son would have an effect on her, but nothing. Every new milestone just drives her further away from me. I saw that she created a new Facebook page. First thing I noticed was that she changed her last name to a hyphenated maiden and married name. This really bothered me because it is something that her BFF did recently. She is the woman I believe my wife is emulating. The BFF said she wanted to regain her old identity while staying connected to her children so she hyphenated her name. I guess my wife is doing the same thing. This woman also recently got a divorce and she never had anything positive to say about me either. I know my wife is using her as an example of the life she wants to have. It blows my mind because my W is totally acting like a new person. Also, her BFF offered to introduce her to cop friend of hers back when we were trying to reconcile. I got angry when W told me ,but she said BFF was only joking. I know that I cannot put blame on anyone else but my W for her actions, but it kills me that she used to criticizes her friend and is now doing everything she looked down on her for. I also saw a pic of my wife at a gym class on the gyms Facebook page. She is smiling and posing with everyone. It made me sad that here I am in misery and she is GAL. I should use that for motivation.

I have been trying to move ahead and it is very hard. Moving in and out of our house is getting tiresome. Lately I have slipped into depression and bad behavior. I know that the bad behavior is directed at my wife. I want to hurt her indirectly so I fooled around. It only made me feel worse. I think it was also a way of feeling in control and trying to relieve the loneliness. Through this D i took pride in having the moral high gound. That i did everything to save my marriage, even now. Yet, i went and did this stupid thing. Maybe its a sign I'm giving up? Or maybe I'm just losing my mind. I guess feeling she is having an OM is taking its toll. Not to mention the nightmares and lack of seep. I want my wife back but I don't see any progress at all. I finished the divorce remedy book and it is helping. I just wish I read it before she moved out and I filed for divorce.

I saw my therapist today. She said I still have hope for my marriage. I do but is it healthy? You see I have this tremendous ability to take abuse. I joke with her that I take a licking and keep on ticking. I can't even stay angry at my W. Not even after all the nasty things she has said. I still am trying to be the nice guy. By the way I did buy the "no more mr. Nice guy" book. I need to start it soon.

I tried to negotiate with my W for the final divorce orders but she refused all of my proposal. Even after I reminded her that during the temp orders I offered her a lot less than she wound up paying. She is either very greedy or really hates me. Both? I am thinking I am going to stop negotiating because it is more of the same mr. Nice guy behavior from me. By offering to take less than my fair share I am trying to prove to her I am not the liar, cheat, and manipulator she accused me of being.

Thanks for the help. I wish I could buy all of you an ice cold beer for lending me your ears.