Got the mother load of data from WAH today

[Underdog]

Kaffe,

You said some things in your post that bear noting... because terminology can often become the impetus for our own behaviors.

Have you ever had a name for someone that was less than flattering and for some reason, it was blurted out? Years ago, I did this by referring to 2 people who acted completely dumb as Dumb and Dumber. It wound up making ME look dumb by saying it in front of a group of people including them. My mom used to tell us that our subconscious thoughts would come back to bite us in the butt. And Mom is usually right.

Which gets me to this:

At one point a week or so ago, ncl made a comment to one of our members how the spouse was using classic "LBS script"... this almost appears verbatim how many of us feel about our (alien) WAS / MLCer...

I think we diminish their pain substantially by calling them a WAH or even worse, alien. In our deepest, darkest pain, would we want someone judging us and then name calling? My XH left because he couldn't stand how we were living, and the only way he knew that things could change was if he did something drastic. He did. Our spouses, for whatever myriad reasons, felt that they would not be able to work on the M while living with us and feel they could gain cooperation from us. And in their mind, there is no working on the M. They simply want to find a tourniquet and stop the bleeding.

Listen, I'm not saying that they should get a free pass for walking out on their responsibilities. But the one thing they DID do right was to change a dance routine to force change. And don't kid yourselves that they don't realize the magnitude of the consequences, because they do. It's just that the degree of their pain outweighs the consequences at the time they make the decision to leave.

I can tell you without any reservation that my XH was the brave one in the family. I couldn't take how we were living anymore either. We had been in MC twice, and I was in IC as well. And unconsciously, I knew that we were going to have to have a lot of pain in the near future... at whose hand was the mystery then. That's why I worked so hard in my own life to make sure that I didn't make him feel guiltier than he was or to manufacture situations that would create emotional distance between he and his daughters. Because he changed our dynamic by making that first step to be a happier person. In my own sitch, that meant he had to divorce. He just didn't want to do all the work necessary to rebuild the bridges he heavily damaged on the way - so it was easier for him to cut bait. There are plenty of others here whose spouses decide that they DO want to put that effort into restoring the love that was once there.

So what I'm saying, is you don't want them to know you call them an alien behind their back... because it will not help your cause in the long run. So don't go there. Fifi got it right when she said that her H was a man in great pain. I don't think that is an alien. It makes him a fellow human. And face it, have we all not lived in that glass house at one time or another? We all have limits... the spouses who leave just have more drastic lines at that time.

I can also tell you from personal experience that my XH has expressed remorse and is still generally a sad person. It's been 9 1/2 years since he left, and he now recognizes that it's not my fault that he was so sad.

And one other thing, Fifi... you mentioned that he commented on family. No matter what happens to the state of your marriage, you ARE a family. You got married and created children. Nobody can take that away from you. My XH still tells people that I'm family. And he's still mine. We're just not married to each other anymore.

So Kaffe got it right by saying those lines of being a WAS or LBS are really blurry. Because they are. Being in pain is not blurry...

Carry on...

Betsey