Picking up where we left off . . . I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

25, thanks for the followup. I think you understand all this quite well. That feels like a breath of fresh air ;-)

Funny, when deciding I was ready to move on, I remembered a post of yours on my "Newcomer's" thread where you asked me "What is it you really want?" The answer turned out to be simply, "I want to be somewhere else besides here, regardless of the outcome."

The results where not what was expected, but I've indeed moved on to a differently level. I also, after Retrouvaille, I have a new understanding of much of what you were telling me before. So, thank you.

(I'm VERY glad you realize you REALLY did dump an ultimatum on her and perhaps b/c you were NOT so invested in her choice, it went your way.

But I'd be hard pressed to ever advise someone else to try that...Yikes!)

Let me be clear: I've offered this simply as an interpretation of my experience, not as advise to anyone! I sincerely hope that those reading this will learn on their own as much of what NOT to do, as well as what I did do that worked for ME. The ultimatum thing, while I judged myself as honorable in my decisions AT THAT TIME, it was not thoroughly thought through. That said, one of the most important lessons I have learned from all this is, I can never judge correctly what the other person is feeling at any given time and that I do make mistakes and misjudge quite often. Yet, I keep plugging away and each new day brings another chance to give it a go - while realizing no good can come from dwelling on that which was wrong yesterday.

That is something I must try harder to remind myself. Tiny adjustments.

Oldtimer, thanks for reading my diatribe. Advise well taken. I'm not sure of your interpretation of all my motivations. You could be correct and they could be all true or not. I haven't fully explored my feelings about them, nor do I intend to give them too much credence, as W & I are not yet in a position to be working through all that, and perhaps getting through it and moving past it is more important than dwelling on it. I don't currently have that answer.

As far as #2, I'm clear on where I am on this and what is to happen. What I wanted to convey here in offering this information is not that another woman made me feel good, but that I took something very important away from my experience with the OW: Just exactly how unfulfilled I was in my own M with my W. Until then, I hadn't known. It took this experience to help me realize I what I was missing, that could move on in my life, and that I would be ok no matter what. However I've used the experience as any sort of reference in my M with W is certainly debatable, for sure. The semantics of us being separated and me being "free" to do as I please can be easily judged however anyone sees fit - justified or not. I can see how that missing piece of the marital puzzle certainly had an effect on my M. But it is undeniable the lesson I learned from the experience has helped me move well beyond the past, which was ultimately my goal. My W & I need to be "All the way in," as Starsky pointed out. We admittedly have a ways to go on this front, which becomes an opportunity for us as there's much room for growth.

There's more to my personal story of learning gaining clarity that I have left out, but that will have to be for another post. For now, I just want to work our M program, listen to my W, try to understand who she is and what she's feeling, continue to try to understand myself and how I feel, and see what we can do together to improve. It is a full plate.

And, I got a great hug from W before I left for work this morning . . . which was nice :-D