Ah, my old pal, OT, here too. Well good! How's it going, OT?
It would be really good if you could take OT's advice about seeing your H's empowerment and really, REALLY embracing that this journey really *IS* all about him. You caught on with noting his sadness and commenting that he's a man with some incredible emotional pain. Remember that. It's compassionate AND wise.
OK, Fifi... again, it would really help your overall cause if you could really reframe some of those thoughts. I'm gonna help. Something tells me that your H probably feels as though you have financial control, as well as all the other super powers that you have. Having separate check books is going to help him. Yes, help him and by default, you.
He's undoubtedly going to feel that he can manage himself for awhile. You're not going to have that monkey taking up more free rent in your house either. It's okay to be scared about being on your own. Hell, I wake up scared every doggone day... I own my own business and it's tough taking care of myself and other people. But if you focus on what you are not getting out of life, THAT is going to be the dominant thought in what you get back. And the more you focus on how this is about you, the more you manifest that it will continue to be about you. That is not solution based thinking.
OT and I are not telling you that you can't be sad or feel scared and overwhelmed. What I AM saying is that you and your kids are going to depend on how well YOU bounce back. How well you find the good in things. How well you are able to take a step back and reframe what you categorize as negative and turn it into something that will ultimately work for you. You have to do this anyway, Fifi. If you're going to have your marriage reconciled, you are going to have to face the music that what you used to have will no longer work. You can't pretend that hammering a square peg will fit in a round hole. So you might as well start embracing this change. You can do it by taking small baby steps and literally forcing yourself to start looking for the positives in every single choice he makes. Don't you dare wait around for him to choose you. Choose you first. You absolutely have to choose you if you want your kids to experience a mom who can be resilient and put her and them first. No matter what your H ultimately decides to do, you're going to have to learn how to make a life for yourself - a truly, happy and rewarding life - all by yourself. Put those big girl panties on and a new set of glasses and get to work.
None of us knows what your H is feeling or thinking. Hell, none of us wants to be his C either. Let him figure out what it's going to take to become a happier person. He may be delusional and then again, maybe he won't. That's not up to you.
You are up to you. Right now, you are in the position of being the head of your household, a mother, friend, and commander in chief of you. So focus all your efforts on those roles. All of them, Fifi. They are the only ones you CAN control. Just maybe, if you can stop thinking about how sad you are, you will leave him wondering why he wants to be apart from someone so capable and happy. Hell, maybe you'll realize that you deserve to be happy and feeling capable anyway.
He's in emotional pain, and you witnessed that yourself.
If your best friend lost her mother and needed to retreat from her social circle, would you make that about you? I'm guessing not. So consider him in that camp too. Leave him be with his emotional issues. No matter what, at some point, he will have to address them. They are his business. You get to work on your business.
I'm personally thrilled to read that he gave you so much information. His actions mirror those feelings, so I'd say that what he said was his truth. The fact that he's giving you this information is a gift. Many folks here don't get that. So relish that you've been given a looking glass into his pain. And feel blessed that he shared it with you. As painful it is to hear that someone is so unhappy, it's emotionally honest. You want him to grow into leaving that P/A man behind, right? This is the first step. Relish it.
I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that really resonated with me. Enough to remember it... "Become a millionaire instantly! Count your blessings!"
Now get to work! Your happiness depends on you embracing change.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey
