My Story/Mixed Messages...

[2012sf]

Oh, and one other thing, we were talking about the kids, specifically our 9 year old daughter and growing up issues, and how she loves talking with us. Every night she will come and sit with whichever parent and she just wants to talk about life, the kids at school, etc. It was kind of the perfect entry for me to bring up how I had read the 5 Love Languages book last night and what they were and how I thought it related to her and our son.

I actually read it last night to pinpoint my husband's Love languages and make sure I am trying to fill the right areas in his needs, but it was just perfect to be able to bring it up with the kids as the focus. He was very interested in it and I got it out and we talked about the 5 different styles, I kind of gave a brief summary of the book and we were talking about the kids and what we thought they were. Then I mentioned I thought he was the words of affirmation and physical touch, which he confirmed was right on, and we talked about mine. Long story short, he asked to take the book to read more closely, to relate it to the kids of course, but I felt like at least it would maybe reach into areas of our marriage at the same time. And I was glad to know that I was targeting the right areas on him as things he likes and associates with love.

I am definitely on the words of affirmation. I try to come up with compliments or words to show I appreciate him and things he does for us all the time. I validate and support whatever he says, and I am very careful to make sure I keep our conversations positive and upbeat. The physical touch is harder with him. Not for me, per say, but he is consciously careful not to encourage too much touch and I know it freaks him out if he feels there is too much, because he knows it is crossing into the past friends zone. We always hug when we see each other and leave each other. I kiss him on the cheek during the leaving hug. I also am trying to be casual about touching him occasionally when we talk, I hold his arm when we walk somewhere sometimes, pick invisible lint off his clothes, smooth his hair, gosh that all sounds so strategic, but I guess in a way it is. He is fine with all of that. I have even gave him a couple of shoulder, back rubs, and those have been fine. It has to be very spur of the moment and not last too long though. Sometimes I can tell it if it is too much, and I am getting better about pulling it back and keeping things normal.

I feel like we are so in this wierd zone where we act like more than friends and sometimes I see glimpses in there that the old feelings are there for him, but he is very successful and disciplined about stuffing them down and just keeping things platonic. That is definitely where I am trying to keep my patience and not push. I know from these boards and everything I've been reading, I have to wait for him to make that decision and decide to come to me and take things further. It is so hard though. I feel like things are so normal between us sometimes until I hit against his wall in some way, then it stops. I hope this is progress, and not just him cake eating and really happy with the situation and things will never change.

I guess I have nothing but time though. 3 and a half months until the baby is here, then it can get scarier for me. He can't pursue a divorce on paper until after it is born, so I know I have that amount of time to work on our marriage, then after that he can start doing whatever path he feels set on. If it is divorce, I know in my heart I won't give up, but it is going to be awful to go through all of that and not be able to stop anything. I really hope there are some big changes between now and then.