What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Kat thank you for that. I feel like I'm drama hour and I don't want to be. I'm so type-A that they expect me to be a certain way at work and get lots done, but I need to back off to normal levels again.

Big post, as I've been just processing some things...

I would love any feedback/suggestions and thank you all for being here!


Sunday: He looked at apartments.
Sunday night, the only thing he would say to me (repeatedly) was a hateful tone of: "Just sign the [server] paperwork so we can get this over with." I ignored it mostly, and tried to walk away. My only interaction with him on Sunday was him telling me that about 5 times. Finally I snapped and said "Fine! Give me the paperwork now - go print it off right now so I can sign it for you today because I sure as hell don't need this and I don't need to be cheated on anymore, I don't deserve that." From that second on, he was nicer in his tone and made us all dinner.

I haven't seen the serving paperwork (he never gave it to me) nor has he mentioned it, or divorce. He hasn't said anything since... Also his blog has not been updated (so I hear) with these 'break up' posts. All activity has stopped on it since the day I told him I wasn't going to look at it anymore.

Monday: Told him I don't want him to resent me, and so if that meant he was moving then that's okay. He didn't know how much his deposit for apartment would be or when he would move.

Tuesday:
I did sent him an email on Tuesday after I had a major breakthrough because I saw in my S how much I created an environment of stress and kept him in perpetual stress-mode. and the rest of the email said:
"
I walked today and thought about the girl I was and why I'm not. And I saw Something... so clear and it made my vision open up. i'm working on improving 'me', and hopefully you will (or have) see the little changes. If you haven't, it's way too early to believe - but I promise you - they are coming and will be noticeable very soon and i'm looking forward to realizing that vision i had as it will make me proud of me.

you know that often i get stressed. about work, about home. I fail to see the little things you do to alleviate that. Whether it be the dishes done, the floors vacuumed or even breakfast made.

I get too wrapped up in my own self which is selfish and uncaring to you.

and I am sorry about keeping you in perpetual stress and hurting you. it [censored]. I just saw I did that with [S] too - and it's done. no more. he's a kid who needs to be a kid. you are a man who came into this life with your own journey. hopefully ours will be in step but neither you and i have power over that.

You might feel like i don't listen - and i haven't. I heard two things from you about you calling it my [censored] stressful job and how you can't relax at home. I now completely understand why you say that. I led you to that conclusion with my words/actions. it's not right and i've taken some action because you are right (don't worry i still have a job ).

I know you have every right to doubt me, to 'not care' to say 'f [censor] it, too little too late'. I understand.

I hope you will see soon that these are NOT small time fixes to be just good enough. It's not. I don't like the person i became either and i refuse to be that person anymore. ever. Regardless of whatever happens. The girl who is fun, who is great and wonderful is still here. I just refound her and what makes her me, and hopefully you will too.

Keep your paychecks. (like i had a choice right? ). If you feel like you are still getting the raw end of the deal after whatever timeframe you feel, then you've got some money. If you see that life is good maybe you want to use it buy your replacement car, a trip, [your hobby/business], or whatever, at least it will go to something that you will love and need immediately. Or not - it really is up to you.

i don't expect a response - but know i appreciate you, and you reading this. thank you. i don't feel like we need to 'talk' about it unless you bring it up. Actions are louder than words and irregardless of how life turns out, i will be that person that i saw in that vision. and really, that's not a bad thing."

and i never brought this email up again.

today:
When I go up to touch him (when he's sleeping on the couch) he's stopped pulling back and telling no. He also allowed me to ML with him this morning and lay next to him. So it seems like that is a step.

I've avoided saying "I love you" and even kissing him because I thought that might be too much. After he took a shower, he went outside to his vehicle and brought in boxes and put them in his office. I saw them and said "Wow, you guys must go through a lot of paper at your work!" and left it that. So he knows I saw them but I didn't flip out on him like I normally would have.

Did he bring in the boxes because he felt vulnerable? He will never say.

I'm trying to not call him at work to say 'Hi' but I feel like it's going against what I should do. Maybe that's normal. Yesterday the only thing I emailed him about something I was looking at getting - but I knew I wasn't going to get a response.
Today I'm not going to email at all.

One positive thing that I have noticed in the last two days is that I'm not allowing his emotions to run mine. If he ignores something, I just say to myself 'eh, his moodiness, his problem' and go on about my stuff.

I've scheduled a meeting with a counselor, just so I can get my anxiety meds again.

I also have a meeting with my boss coming up next week in which I will be proposing cutting my hours by a few (it will help my anxiety level - I've asked for this for years because of it). My boss expects that I should be divorcing my H, but I'm not at that point. He's very ABC matter of fact, and I feel like this R deserves more than that. Because after all, I have to live it - not him.

So on to the rest of the day! Onward and upward!