where the wind blows.. nobody knows...

[2thepoint]

it's been a few days since i last posted and thought it was time for an update. it's amazing how things can change in a week.

the week after RV was really hard. after processing all that had happened.. and then by wednesday.. i was listening to the song gravity by sara bareilles which seems to describe how i felt so perfectly.. and i felt.. done. so done. i didn't want to continue putting effort in RV when H wasn't putting anything in.. and so i withdrew. later in the week, H wondered if i would like to stay at home while he was there with the kids for the weekend. i responded by saying i was ok if he wanted to catch up on RV dialogue or talk but if he just wanted to reiterate how determined he was to still leave.. i would rather not. anyway.. i did end up staying. but i kept myself busy! we had dinner together with the kids for the first time in months. we even went out saturday afternoon w/ the kids.

i had a nice weekend. and then we went to our 1st post session. i felt oddly detached. and when we were there.. we discussed how love is a choice. do not wait for your partner to initiate dialogue and then feel resentful when they do not.. love is choosing to show it when it feels difficult..

yesterday H txted me in the evening saying he was hungover. and i really wasn't angry. i did think.. what?? weird because the 12 years i've known him.. he has never been a big drinker. he wasn't even much of a social drinker. but i wasn't angry. and then i chose not to dialogue because i didn't want to do it when it was being forced. i invited H over for dinner for tonight and said we could catch up on dialogue then.

i half expected him to not show up but he did! and we had a nice dinner. he helped put the kids to bed. and then we sat down and had a cup of tea and did our RV work. we both made a point of staying on topic. and guess what?? score one for me!!! H said aside from being a great mom, he really appreciated the fact that i didn't judge him when he said he was hungover.

our next thing to discuss.. H picked. i assumed he would pick something safe but he picked "in what specific ways am i hopeful for our relationship". we'll see how that goes.

it's a weird space i'm in. i care very much about H. and i'm saddened to see his struggles. but i feel like he can only help himself. i don't know. is this what detachment feels like? D is sad to me. but i don't fear it anymore. i want to stand there and say.. pitch it at me.. and all i'm going to do is take a big swing and hit it out of the park. i don't intend on being taken out of he game.

and what do i have to look forward to? cut and colour my hair next week.. overnight in birch bay w/ my sister and her kids.. trip to vegas (friends better show up!!).. a culinary food fair that my gf has media passes for.. trip to toronto to visit my bff.. camping w/ my little ones.. hmmmmmm... to make things interesting.. i fully intend on being passionately kissed by the end of the summer. will this be possible?? certainly will be fun to see! lol.

i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.

Awesome post, BF! Keep going and growing and learning and thriving!!